Aries (March 21-April 19)
Your best friend just called you a loser. Today is what life’s all about. Go get ’em tiger! Your next Career: Mortician. You will get a worthless coupon in the post. If someone tells you to get back on the horse, quit taking their dating advice immediately. Mr. Ed may be lovely company, but neigh means neigh.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Truth may be perception, but you’re just a freaking liar. You are incapable of being unhip. Breathe less. Repent! You’re used to taking a bow, but now you need to sit this matinee out. Give your understudy to chance to step up. They’re pale and spindly from being in your shadow for so long, they could use some limelight.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Time heals all rug burns. Your tools of debate are non-sequiturs, quotes from Elizabeth Barrett Browning, and, of course, crying. Venus is making itself felt in your gut today. You will fall asleep in a meeting and snore like a leaf blower. Quit looking on the bright side so much; all that squinting will give you wrinkles. Sometimes staring down the gloom makes it nervous enough to slink away. Just give it the same look you gave the kids after the indoor toothpaste fight.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You will surrender to mediocrity. You hang posters of rock stars on your walls Your next Career: Ministry Greeter. There’s no one else like you, thank God. If your camera breaks on Thursday, thank it for saving your butt and not letting you take those awful photos of mint.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
It’s Time to dive into a steaming pile of YOU! You usually have nicknames like Thunderpooper or Vomitus Maximus. Your next Career: Unknown Graphic Novelist. Shave your head. You think you’re a DaVinci Code Sudoku: deep, complex and meaningful. Get over yourself. You’re more like the puzzles on a fast food restaurant place mat. All you’re missing are the crayons.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
The only thing to fear is fear itself. Someone will spit in your taco. You were visited by aliens last night and, based on you, they found our species not worth investigating further. Nothing tastes as sweet as winning. Except for winning at the expense of others. Remember that. Step away from stress and spend some time in your happy place. You don’t have to stay long, but you should change out the chocolate fountain and vacuum up the candy sprinkles. That’s how you get ants.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Big success and crushing failure this week! You love to be seen talking on your two way mirror. The Mirror is not actually two-way because you don’t have any friends to talk to. Your smile scares children. Your gas problem is not going unnoticed. That month-long potion brewing binge has left you groggy and your house a spiderweb-covered mess. On the bright side, all you need is a few sheets thrown over your furniture and you can make some cash by opening it as a haunted house.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Your father is not an astronaut. You claim to love the stars, but the only constellation You can find is the Big Dipper. If You cannot find it, You cry. Your next Career: Pet Therapist. Stop being late all the time. Just because you have an endless supply of love doesn’t mean you should be handing out free samples to everyone. Keep the list short, so you have fewer people to notify in case of a recall.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
You have the athleticism of a mollusc. Your paranoia is justified. Your next Career: Veterinarian. Your lucky number is 37. Normally you shine like a star, but a situation has dimmed your glow. Don’t worry; your problems will resolve themselves and you’ll be back to your sunscreen-inducing wattage in no time.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. You will be mistaken for a celebrity you detest. Work out. Then again, why bother? Don’t wear sunscreen this month. You’ve been banged up, so the Universe is taking extra care with you this week. Don’t fight it; the bubble wrap is warm and cozy after a while, and it gives you something to pop.
Aquarius (January 20 to February 18)
Tell that person you love them. You know who we’re talking about. Wait! No, not him! Stop you fool! Face facts, you have a dreadful singing voice. Your next career: Sad Clown Painter. The goat will become increasingly important. It’s time for a good, long look into your soul. Bring a flashlight and some snacks, because this could take awhile. Remember to pick up all your litter afterward, otherwise an empty chip bag could cause an existential crisis.
Pisces (February 19 to March 20)
Your broom will begin pulling slightly to the centre. You snack on cockroach clusters while watching Quidditch. Your next Career: Jarvy Stylist. Defrost your attitude before it’s too late. Sometimes you need to realize a fight is useless, so quit trying to make that angry ferret into an emotional support animal. Also, get more bandages and Burn Cream.
Aries (March 21-April 19)