Please note, These horoscopes are meant for fun and not meant to be insulting. I hope they make you laugh
Aries (March 21-April 19)
The spider that bit you in your sleep was magical and you now have super powers. Go try them out! You love to laugh at the funny moon-people who suck their thumbs at age 35. Tomorrow brings more soup. A sneeze will nearly cripple you tomorrow. Your chances of being Head Student will be greatly improved when you stop yourself from saying that your Head of House looks like someone from The Monster Book of Monsters. Keep biting that tongue, and you could chew your way to a silent partnership.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Chewing gum will save your life this week. Whether You know it or not, You are born with an exceptional talent for cross-stitch. Your next Career: Creature Healer. Adopt a chicken. Turn that frown upside down, and you’ll get dizzy from standing on your head, fall over, and accidentally kick a frenemy into a water fountain. Now that will make you smile for real.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
It’s Time to dive into a steaming pile of YOU! If it’s automated, You can hack it. Your next career: Sad Clown Painter. No one makes eating noises quite like you. If you have to kiss frogs to find a prince, imagine what you’ll need to do for someone really powerful, like become the next big bad sorcerer or amazing at brewing love potions!
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Your next shower will be interrupted by a large mildly poisonous insect. You wield power through the fact that you know what everyone is thinking at any given time. This is why You are never invited to parties. The transit of the sun into Cancer is cryptic. You have a great singing voice, stop hoarding it! Life is passing you by only because it’s in better shape than you are. You could do some cardio to catch up or just wait by the jogging path with a beater’s bat. Life moves a lot slower when it has to ice its knee every hour.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Tighten the caps on all your potions. Humility frightens you. Your next Career: Square Dance Caller. Don’t sleep, shriners want to eat you. So your idea for the Ham-n-Cheese Snuggie didn’t work. Don’t give up! The world may beat down your door for your next big project, the Pizza Roll Pillow. Never underestimate the laziness of a culture too winded to make it to the kitchen.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Be amazed that something exciting will happen at school this week! Friday could be Hawaiian shirt day. If not, you should suggest it, and others will be impressed by your enthusiasm! Someone may give you a present for working so hard, such as fresh lemons, a purple blender or a life-sized poster of You Know Who wearing a smiley face button! At school you name may be announced for Always being on time and always having that nice smell of bananas. P.S. A carrot may try to choke you this week, so watch out! You are the reason butterfly hairpins and parachute pants have made a comeback.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
You can accomplish anything, as long as it’s painfully easy. You’re not a cannibal, you’re just curious. You were visited by aliens last night and, based on you, they found our species not worth investigating further. Just go sleep on the couch tonight. You don’t want to know why. All your big talk has backed you into a corner. At least you’ve found two knuts, five dust bunnies and you now know where the cat has peed when you’re not in the dorms.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
You may want to hang a loved one this week. Don’t do it because she is just having a little, mental breakdown! It could be just the lunar phase…so don’t break up! It WILL pass as fast as that case of Dragon Pox she gave you last year. If it’s driving you too horribly insane,write a friend and have a butterbeer…better yet, live at your friend’s dorm and drink their butterbeer. Still upset? Tell her you have rabies. P.S. Try to hang out with turtles this week. You have out-of-body experiences on a daily basis. Work out. Then again, why bother? Your lucky number is 37. The future doesn’t have anything in store for you; it’s all kept in the warehouse, and comes to you via two-day shipping.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
You have no imagination and you always think the DMLE is following you. You have influence over them and friends think you’re a weasel. You lack perseverance and are generally a chicken. You like to beat the ugly cats and sniff your nose a lot. You cannot even fathom, much less describe, philosophical concepts because it doesn’t involve equations. Your next Career: Serial Temp. Your favourite cousin wants to kiss you. One is the loneliest number, but two can be annoying if you can’t read in peace. Try hiding in the closet with your book to avoid “what page are you on!?” from your sweetie.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Be amazed that something exciting will happen at work or school this week! Friday could be Hawaiian shirt day. If not, you should suggest it, and others will be impressed by your enthusiasm! Someone may give you a present for working so hard, such as fresh lemons, a purple blender or a life-sized poster of You Know Who wearing a smiley face button! At school you name may be announced for Always being on time and always having that nice smell of bananas. P.S. A carrot may try to choke you this week, so watch out! You are the reason butterfly hairpins and parachute pants have made a comeback.
Aquarius (January 20 to February 18)
After months of backbreaking effort, you’ll finally finish your first novel. Now, imagine how difficult it’d be to actually write one. You wield power through the fact that you know what everyone is thinking at any given time. This is why You are never invited to parties. An orphaned hillbilly boy will begin living in your fireplace. Sneaking kisses behind the sleigh with a someone dressed up as Santa may be fun at first, but if you keep it up, you’ll get a nasty fake beard rash and a reindeer peeing on your shoe. Stick to the elves, they know how to party.
Pisces (February 19 to March 20)
You may want to hang a loved one this week. Don’t do it because she is just having a little, mental breakdown! It could be just the lunar phase…so don’t break up! It WILL pass as fast as that case of Dragon Pox she gave you last year. If it’s driving you too horribly insane, call a friend and have a butterbeer…better yet, live at your friend’s dorm and drink their butterbeer. Still upset? Tell her you have rabies. P.S. Try to hang out with turtles this week. You have out-of-body experiences on a daily basis. Work out. Then again, why bother? Your lucky number is 37. The future doesn’t have anything in store for you; it’s all kept in the warehouse, and comes to you via two-day shipping.
