Please note, These horoscopes are meant for fun and not meant to be insulting. I hope they make you laugh
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Think twice. You love happy movies where everyone is jolly and having fun, but you fight with waiters and get upset with billboards. Your next Career: Sketch Artist. Sleep on the floor. Lately you’ve been about three nuts short of a toolbox. Take some time off to check your hardware and pick up some new screws before your tool rusts away from disuse.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
The bad news is that you’re actually related. You are progressive, outgoing, and one of the most popular rides at Cedar Point. The police are listening. Don’t sleep, shriners want to eat you. Your attention span is so short, you can’t make it through a five-second YouTube ad without wondering what else is on. Push ‘pause’ on your distractions and re-learn how to read the back of the cereal box once again.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
After months of backbreaking effort, you’ll finally finish your first novel. Now, imagine how difficult it’d be to actually write one. You are pushy and overbearing. Give encouragement to the hopeless dregs that idolize you. Aaaaah! There’s a bug on your shoulder! There’s a gleam in your eye and a spring in your step as you stumble up the stairs this week. Quit rinsing your contacts in the dishwasher, unless you love people signing your casts.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamed communist. It’s probably just a big freckle. No worries. Go ahead and hide from the world. Not that the world will notice. Your keys are missing. Sneaking kisses behind the sleigh with a mall Santa may be fun at first, but if you keep it up, you’ll get a nasty fake beard rash and a reindeer peeing on your shoe. Stick to the elves, they know how to party.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
A fart plays a pivitol role in your relationship. You clean every square inch of everything You own twice daily with a toothbrush. Everything has its place, and yours is on the floor scrubbing with a magnifying glass, checking for germs. Your Next Career: Prison Guard. It will rain tomorrow. Guaranteed. When you shake the Magic 8-Ball, the response is “Put me down!” Quit poking at Karma with sharp sticks, or you’ll wake up with a nasty hangover, five angry penguins and a Cheez Doodle ring around the bathtub.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
You will suddenly realize you’re naked on public transportation. You’re very earthy, which may mean that you don’t shower as often as most people Your usually dominant manner is replaced by a coy submissiveness today. Go with it. You thought everyone forgot about it, but they didn’t. You’ll be a Scrooge on Thursday until you remember that all the holiday cheer isn’t in gifts, it’s in your heart. Because that’s where the cholesterol from all those pies, cookies and ham dinners ended up. Perhaps 2029 should be your year of the rice cake.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Bathing isn’t overrated. You’re not a cannibal, you’re just curious. Your next career: Gangster Florist. Your lucky number is imaginary. You’ll experience the finer things in life this week. It could be art or dining, or the pile of traffic fines waiting in your mailbox. Next time, don’t roar through the farmer’s market on your scooter while wearing only goggles and a smile.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
You will receive a phone call from a Norwegian. You learned how to screw the public over at an early age. You need to spend some time thinking about your future. Your enemies are massing at the borders. From tiny acorns, mighty oaks will grow, but only if you get out of the parking lot. Move your asphalt and dig up some new dirt near the spa; that’s where all the really good gossip can be heard.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Keep all the receipts, even the embarrassing ones. You single-handedly started the cappucino movement. Your next career: Master Level Ferris Wheel Operator. Don’t wear sunscreen this month. There’s light at the end of the tunnel, but you’re worried that it’s a train. Relax, it’s just someone who can’t find wi-fi signal. Team up with them, because they have box tickets for all the quidditch matches.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Time for your musical talent to come through! If you can’t play an instrument, then write lyrics! People say “write what you know,” so now is your chance to bring a tune to: “My mom doesn’t miss me,” or “I love the smell of plastic.” Don’t eat Chinese food this week. If you are forced to go to a Chinese restaurant, pretend to know Mandarin and claim the staff insulted you. Today is what life’s all about. Go get ’em tiger! Your next Career: Roadkill Cleanup Enforcement. Your lucky number is 37. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless your dog has been sneaking over there and peeing on it. You may owe someone some fertilizer, but don’t ask Fido to volunteer. He’s done his duty.
Aquarius (January 20 to February 18)
You may get money this week! It could be from a raise, you could find some on the ground, or that creepy guy will give you some for helping on a “job.” If not, and you need some fast cash, have a garage sale! You really don’t need your old florescent underwear, the pillowcase with the blood stain on it shaped like Jesus, or those Gary Busy trading cards! Also, get rid of that gaud awful Black Sabbath shirt you’ve had for years. I bet if someone licked it, they would instantly turn into a zombie. Believe everything you read. Venus is making itself felt in your pants today. You will opt for plastic surgery this year. Label the right part before you go under or they’ll have no clue where to start. Tuesday is a mixed bag of nuts, but you won’t see any of those delicious chocolate-covered cashews. After your co-workers raid your desk, you’ll be lucky to have some loose skins from peanuts and a few broken Filberts.
Pisces (February 19 to March 20)
You need something new in your life this week! Add something that will increase your health like a pet, kidnap a guy that teaches tai-chi, or buy a sack of blood to keep the mosquitoes away! Or you could buy something that your home needs, like a cactus and/or Tupperware in the shapes of body parts, or a stuffed poodle. It could be a decoration or mop! Improve your love life and get new sheets! No, really. Get new sheets. You still believe that Trump was a visionary. Your next Career: Drunk. Yeah, you’re probably weird. Something good is just around the corner, but you’ll need to cross the street, tip a busker and invent a secret handshake before you get there. Wear a fedora and trenchcoat for extra style points.