An EXCLUSIVE rare chat between Philomena Pest and Minister Alyssa Merriweather
What a simply irresistible era of riveting, transparent, honest journalism this is, and how deliciously proud I am to be at the forefront of it all, flamboyant quill readied and steadied in my freshly manicured hand. It feels like only yesterday I penned my first humble article, delighting on the ravenous revelations of several magical celebrities caught in the midst of unfurling, hideous scandals. And so it should, my darlings, as, since I am so young, it practically was only yesterday!
This interview, exclusive to Witch Weekly, shall be an intimate, invasive and inviting deep delve, with brutal but breakthrough questions, a glimpse into the fashionable and perhaps disastrously unfashionable, a foray into gossiped fables, a class in the classy and the classless, a banquet of answers in bountiful supply.
From scathing politicians brushing shoulders in court, to rough and tough Triwizard champions and their oncoming crisis, and to pocket-bloated, coin-gorging Goblins whose bank accounts hold the answers to all
my our problems, this highly prized, highly exclusive seven page spread will not shy away from asking the questions on everyone’s lips.
It’s the tea you’ve been quenched for, and I am simply springing with ecstasy that I shall be the one to serve it.
You’re in for a surprise, readers. Because sitting before me, dressed in gray winter plaid, a vision of power, of status and of political eminence, is the devastatingly important, devastatingly influential, devastatingly blonde Minister Alyssa Merriweather.
Minister Merriweather, darling! What a delight. How do you take your tea?
Plain. Tea shouldn’t be made fancy with odd flavouring and all the unnecessities. It’s tea, you know where you stand with it. Teabag, Milk, Two Sugars. *smile.*
Are you married?
I’ve never been married. Perhaps some dating here and there.
Peculiar, darling, [I stop to pull a parchment out from under my chair] I have a record here that does in fact state otherwise.
At this moment, the Minister sits silently, seemingly unable to answer my question. Was it nerves? Terror in the plight of truth? She even looks to her assistant, with a look of discomfort, before answering.
A long time ago then, yes I was. Nothing remarkable about the marriage though and it was over before it began. Hardly a blip on my radar, sweetie!
Plenty more time for blips, I’m sure, darling! Nice hat by the way.
None for the moment. Perhaps when my term is over.
Do you live in London?
You became Minister last year. 2026. How IS it going?
It’s going well I’d say. I’ve managed to secure some funding for a brand new Hogsmeade Clinic, we have the Triwizard Tournament and crime is down! Would you imagine that?
During the election process, part of Minister Alyssa Merriweather’s campaign was to introduce St Mungo’s Clinic’s across Great Britain – a promise she has so far delivered on, with one already up and running in Hogsmeade.
Speaking of crime, darling! Tell us about your cabinet of colleagues.
Wonderful as always. Though I’d be a bad Minister for Magic if I commented on someone’s job performance publicly, wouldn’t i? You should know better than to ask.
I will ask darling: starting with Seung Hightower. Sent in your place to a high profile debate regarding the infamous Goblin-Getreat. Rather the proxy, isn’t she?
I used Seung Hightower as my proxy for the simple reason that I shouldn’t and couldn’t make my stance public. You see, politics is a nasty little game, love. You say the wrong thing and either side would find a problem with it. I merely asked Hightower to deliver my vote in confidence while I let the Goblins and Wizengamot duke out the logistics, something I’m already privy to.
Seung Hightower currently serves as Minister Alyssa Merriweather’s Chief Advisor, having previously taken undersecraterial duties under the late Minister Hannah Fischer.
But you are the Minister – are you not, darling?
Yes and as Minister it’s my inalienable right to choose someone to speak on my behalf. Perhaps you should try it.
Go on… tell us…How do you really feel about Goblin independence?
No ill towards them I suppose. They made their decision, I hope it was the correct one – for them.
On the subject of Goblin’s and Goblin independence, and our ongoing economic crisis, what are your thoughts on Gringotts loans to help with our current financial fiasco?
I can assure you that the Ministry has prepared for all outcomes and has enough galleons to support the nation no matter the outcome.
Well, do you have a plan?
A plan for what? I have many plans, love.
To rescue our economy from ruin, darling!
Economic situations are a constant fluctuation of highs and lows, like magic wouldn’t you say? They’re up and down. Sometimes people do notice it and sometimes people don’t. However, as I SAID, Philomena, the Ministry has plans for all outcomes.
Perhaps I can petition you to donate some of your new found wealth to those struggling to match the current climate. It’s always nice when those in a better position help the less fortunate. I dare say the ball is in your court now.
Moving SWIFTLY on! How much do you earn a year?
I think it rather crass to discuss one’s paycheck publicly, don’t you? Oh well I suppose you don’t really. Money and talk of money always attracts a certain type of person doesn’t it? I hope you don’t mind but I won’t discuss it with you.
You have a delectable dress sense. What are some of your staple must-wears when dressing as the Minister for Magic.
I think it’s much better to dress comfortably. Although my role does require me to have a certain je ne sais quoi because I’m a public figure. I think a good pair of tailored pants is a must have and a good blazer.
And your favourite colour right now?
I’d have to go with anything in the pastel range.
Interestingly, Ministers are in a position to sway public opinion when it comes to fashion. Whilst olive green can be out today, it can just as easily be in tomorrow, should the highest political figure in the country choose to wear it.
I’m wearing a jacket lined with frosted Juliet Rose’s, myself, darling! Hand crafted, I’m told, by Californian witch-seamstresses. Perhaps you’d like to borrow it one day?
Heels or flats?
Both. Heels for important events and flats for the office.
When you first set out as Minister, you had a lot of support from the head of the Vampire Society, Lucille Brónach, who was recently declared dead. Gasp! Do you suspect foul play?
A travesty. Lucille was a staunch supporter of the Ministry and the Vampire Society’s deep friendship with one another. I hope the next leader will be just as supportive of such a friendship.
The Minister seems to ignore my comments regarding foul play entirely, which obviously means she does suspect it!
Your relationship with Hogwarts. Can You define It in one word?
Would you use that Same Word to describe the Triwizard Tournament? Hosted and paid for once again by Great Britain?
Wouldn’t you say this is a distraction sorely needed? The Triwizard Tournament always lightens people’s moods. I could say it better keeps you in a job too, hm?
Nothing like a spot of potential death to lighten the mood, darling!
Perhaps you could have entered many, many, many, MANY, many, many MANY years ago Philomena.
Not that many, darling!
Sure. Unfortunately we’ll just have to watch, wait and see.
What would you say to the parents of those competing in this year’s tournament?
Perhaps that question would be better served to Headmistress O’Keefe. I am merely the Minister of Magic. Shall we talk about the potential income that the Triwizard will do to our economy? Yes, let’s! Too much doom and gloom coming from your questions here Philomena, one could say you’re trying to bait me.
The Triwizard Tournament like the International Confederation summons brought in alot of interest into our communities, it generates tourism and spectator sport from all over the world. I would think for someone so interested in our economy such as yourself Philomena this could only be a good thing.
This claim from the Minister isn’t completely correct – whilst it is true that on rare occasions, host countries have managed to wrangle profit out of Triwizard Tournaments, the cost of hiring specialised staff, exporting dangerous creatures, and the construction of new and innovative venues, often means that the money brought in shy’s in comparison with the money taken out. Expensive, darling!
This beautifully segues into my next burning question. Perhaps you would like to take another sip of your plain tea before I get stuck in? It’s getting cold, darling…
You recently hosted an International Confederation Meeting. What an honour! Tell us about that.
We are all very aware of what’s been happening within our community for quite some time now, no more than the students of Hogwarts. You see, our previous Minister.. Hannah Fischer, she was convinced that there is some sort of darkness growing from our roots, that we are in the midst of an international catastrophe of epic proportions. I? Well I don’t have an opinion on the matter, my job was to simply carry out her… dying wishes. To alert the international leaders of such threats in hopes that we could put our petty international squabbles at bay for just a moment and work together. Did it work? I’d have to say yes though some may say no. I suppose we’ll have to wait and see.
But DARLING, you must have some sort of an opinion!?
I think it’s best for the nation that we move on from what someone’s opinion is.
During a chance encounter in Hogsmeade, one I personally witnessed, a young witch, Miss Persephone Vitrac, pressed you about an orb that interrupted a gala later that week, one that carried a warning. Can you tell us what that warning was?
I believe it was a simple warning to be prepared, they are coming and to seek the light. What does that mean? I don’t know, I truly couldn’t tell you at this moment. What I can assure you and your readers is that we’re investigating every possible lead.
And is it true that the voice of this ‘orb’ was not dissimilar to the late Hannah Fischers?
I think sometimes we project what we want to hear or see. Hannah Fischer is dead and those that think otherwise are naive. Perhaps those that heard her voice simply miss her or wish she was here continuing to do my job, perhaps they don’t agree with me being Minister and would rather.. Her.
Under your leadership, Fischers alleged murderer, escaped prisoner Lovelace has still not been captured. Why is that?
Capturing criminals is a hard game. Perhaps you’d like to play it?
Then there is Judy Dorchester still at large. Darling you have to admit, it’s a little bit odd! Almost makes you seem complicit!
With all due respect Philomena I think you’re reaching with this question. How can you blame me or say I’m complicit when Judy Dorchester escaped under my predecessors watch. Are you naive as well? Perhaps. Copious amounts of perfume can detract from rational thinking at times.
Judy Dorchester has been an escaped convict, according to sources, since January 2026, meaning that by the time this article releases, it will have almost been two years – very odd, darlings!
Favourite evening drink?
There are many who think that you don’t understand or accept the weight of the dangers currently threatening our way of life – such as the Umbra – and that your priorities are all wrong. How terribly mean of them! What say you?
The matter of the Umbrae is an ongoing dilemma, that I can assure you has been, and shall continue to be, closely monitored, tracked and investigated by the Ministry of Magic.
Take another sip of your tea darling!
Why did you run for Minister? You were a simple mediwitch working at St. Mungo’s, with no political experience. Single, free, youthful. Why did you run?
A new perspective was needed. One of a witch living in the real world, if you will.
Do you miss it?
At the start of this interview, I asked you about marriage, and you lied. Gasp! Why should the British public believe a word you say?
The Minister momentarily pauses here, then cheerfully laughs.
I think even I have the right to a private life and my marriage or my personal life is none of yours or your readers business. Perhaps I simply don’t wish to divulge my personal details to later be slandered.. Yes slandered Philomena by yourself. The media in this country has gone down hill. You all report gossip, slander and irregular activities.
Allow me to rephrase an earlier question!
Perhaps it is you who are complicit in helping those that seek to damage us by furthering their agenda of disruption and chaos. Perhaps the media are the ones distracting people from the real issues. You care more about who I’m wearing or what shoes I’m wearing than the real issues.
Absolutely not, Minister! What you wear on your head is far more interesting than what’s on your feet. One final question! What is one thing we don’t know about you, that you’d like us to know?
I’m excellent at chess. Goodbye Philomena!
And just like that, our EXCLUSIVE interview with Britain’s most powerful witch comes to an end. A few things remain to be seen – will our economy be pulled out of its muddy pit, or will the Minister’s excessive public spending mark the end of all of our prosperity. Are St Mungo’s clinics really worth it? Have witches and wizards forgotten how to use floo powder, and slide into buildings covered in musty coal dust, like we always have done? Or are we entering into an era of hard-left thinking, where convenience becomes the cardinal standard throughout, and there will be no such thing as brooms, fireplaces and trains.
Will her privacy, and lack of opinion signal the end of transparency? Of good old fashioned honesty? Is this her legacy? As you know me more than anyone, my darling readers, you will know that truth above all else is the thing I value most! That everything I say, or do, is legitimate, is genuine and earth shatteringly candid! Or in fact, is Minister Merriweather’s careful stance a symbol of staunch strength, of clever coordinated moves, and does she represent, then, a new age of magic for Great Britain, where community comes before common sense.
But above it all, forget the Goblin independence, and the tribulations of another paid-for-by-our-taxes Triwizard Tournament, the biggest revelation today is that our head of state is a woman of complex binaries. She takes her tea plain, with two sugars, but currently loves anything in a pastel colour. She’s young, but she’s clever. She’s resourceful, and sees the benefits of both heels and flats! And as I’ve always said, DARLINGS! A witch is only as good as what she wears.
An absolutely riveting article, DARLINGS! Pick yours up now! *smoky laugh!*