Gringotts Emptied; Merriweather Resigns

Gringotts Emptied! Merriweather Resigns.

Minister for Magic Alyssa Merriweather announced her resignation late Sunday night as the reality of the financial crisis was just setting in. The Minister issued a statement to the press indicating she will remain as Minister until the conclusion of an election later this year. While the Minister did not elaborate on her decision to step down, she assured the press there would be a smooth transition of power following the election.

After giving her statement the Minister departed her office for her home in Seychelles via floo, along with the Department of Magical Resources and Revenue head, Dermot Trickelbank. While it is unclear how long the Minister will be abroad, Mr. Trickelbank was back in his office Monday morning to speak to the press.

“This is clearly an unimaginable catastrophe and it will take an enormous amount of resources to get our economy back on track.” Trickelbank said. “Even supposing the gold were retrieved, we were left with no records of how much was in each individual vault. Therefore I believe the best course of action is for the Ministry to begin minting its own currency. It will be some time before this new system is in place, but the economy will be back on course much more swiftly this way.” 

Trickelbank also requested that any cursebreakers, metal charmers, and arithmancers, current or former, contact him in the revenue office to aid in restoring the bank to operability. 

Mr. Trickelbank was not able to comment on any humanitarian aid at press time, but did affirm that it was being discussed. 

On Sunday afternoon a riot broke out in front of Gringott’s bank, with many wixen loudly demanding the gold from their vaults. A large brick wall was erected by bank guards who summoned the DMLE, and the scene quickly turned violent. DMLE members were seen casting repair charms on the barrier as rioters cast spells aiming to destroy the wall, all while shouting demands for their money as well as derogatory remarks toward the goblins and the DMLE. 

Over twenty arrests were made though that number continues to grow today, and countless injuries have been reported. We are told the arrests included Holyhead Harpies’ chaser Persephone Vitrac, as well as several members of our own staff.

Press Behind Bars

An inside scoop on the Gringotts Raid

The holding cells in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement are definitely not The Ritz, dripping walls, broken beds, inadequate toileting facilities, and a transformed werewolf in the neighbouring cell all does little to allow for beauty sleep.

Early on Sunday afternoon Le Cirque de Sorcières returned to Diagon Alley after a year travelling through Europe, with promises of a show that would delight and dazzle, unfortunately that was not to be as a group of unhappy citizens made their way through Diagon Alley with demands that the Goblins returned their money to them.

Following reports that the Goblins were taking all of the money from the bank, the group rapidly increased in number only to come across a wall that had been erected by Gringotts Security Guards. As was the legal right of any citizen, the demands to have money returned grew louder and only when the DMLE arrived on the offensive, did the public begin to cast upon the wall, determined to break it down.

Aurors, Alys and Emrys Cadwell, Hit Wixen, Sophia Dephine-Peyroux, with Patrol Officer, Evangeline Ambers joined sides with the Goblins of Gringotts to prevent citizens from rightfully retrieving their money, reinforcing the barriers despite desperate attempts from the helpless citizens to bring it down. If rumour is to be believed, the Aurors present at the doors of Gringotts discovered that the Goblins in the bank had wands and did nothing to relieve them, as Goblin’s possession of wands is illegal, nor did they act on it or deem it suspicious.

A reminder to our readers that Ollivanders was broken into in March of this year, and multiple wands were stolen to arm Goblins, which has been banned since 1631, with minimal apparent investigation and no financial recompense to the owners.

When reporter Saffron (Foxclaw) Macauley, of The Daily Prophet, requested that Auror Alys Cadwell enter the bank to determine the truth of their demands she was met with a refusal. Auror Cadwell stated she would not enter the bank until the group of citizens ceased their casting at the wall. As an agreement could not be made, and the Department of Magical Law Enforcement had blatantly aligned themselves with protecting the Goblins during their theft, the group continued. 

Despite multiple holes being blown into the wall, the Department of Magical Law Enforcement worked tirelessly to thwart the actions of the citizens whose sole goal was to protect the Wizarding Economy, and in turn the Goblins succeeded in escaping with every last knut of our hard earned money leaving the Department of Magical Law Enforcement to admit they were wrong. That they now were complicit in the actions of the Goblins. That the Department of Magical Law Enforcement are now, in effect, wholly responsible for the downfall of the entire United Kingdom’s Wizarding Economy.

And what did they do? Did they admit their wrongs? No, they arrested the innocent who had been trying to make a very simple withdrawal from their bank accounts, cast directly upon wandless citizens, and locked them away, in a cage next to a werewolf and denied her access to her Wolfsbane potion leaving her in pain, and her neighbours traumatised.

The Department of Magical Law Enforcement have yet to issue an official apology for their actions leading to this economic crisis.

– Saffron Foxclaw, Current Events

Gringotts Abandoned; Safety Threatened

It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon that saw Le Cirque de Sorcieres return to Diagon Alley after a year traveling Europe with promises of a gold themed show that promised not to be forgotten for years to come. While the show never officially began, citizens in Diagon Alley were still treated to a gold themed circus, complete with redheaded clowns and utter buffoonery. 

In the midst of Le Cirque’s opening act came a crowd, not one drawn by cheap organ music and the promise of thrills but one spurred by rumours of gold missing- it seems, the rioters may have gotten their wires a touch crossed, as word travelled through the crowd like a bad game of Whispers that the esteemed and honourable goblins of Gringotts Bank had drained all gold from the depths of their vaults. And like any game of Whispers, things got out of hand.

As the crowd reached the bank, slinging slurs and threats like they were going out of fashion, Gringotts security responded like any reasonable member of Wizarding Society might- summoning the Department of Magical Law Enforcement who arrived on the scene with haste (and style) and erected a wall to protect the prestigious establishment. This only seemed to enrage the rioters further, inciting them to turn their abuse to the DMLE officers. And then the first spell was cast.

Despite the presence of innocents, bystanders, and children alike, the riled up heathens who made the violent crowd of rioters saw no reason to hesitate in unleashing a volley of bombardas at the wall, sending rocks, bricks, and rubble raining down all who were not quick enough to move out of the way. One Auror, later identified as Alys Cadwell, and several older [presumed] students of Hogwarts were all quick to usher the youngest children out of harm’s way and into nearby stores where they would be protected from the violence sent their way.

Among the rioters, noted Holyhead Chaser and werewolf Persephone Vitrac was seen unleashing a slew of accusations and spells at DMLE and the wall alike, as well as a Daily Prophet reporter of lesser known repute and veela heritage. Blood status is of course only brought up as a question of whether their participation in the riot is only a matter of distraction, an attempt to turn the public eye to goblins instead, as both werewolves and veela have shown up in the Prophet all too often in recent years. Members of the Wizengamot were also noted to be in attendance, on both sides of the event.

Regardless of the reasoning, DMLE were determined to get this matter under control and they did just that, risking life and limb, quite literally in the case of one Emrys Cadwell, an auror who apparated before the wall to try and talk sense into the heads of the gathered rioters. When asked what was going through his head when he made this decision, Cadwell had little more to say on the matter than this,

“When all of this is said and done, I’m more than happy to tell you what was going through my head at that time. Just know that the DMLE is doing everything it can and more to ensure a resolution to this event is reached. For security reasons, that is all I can say at this time.”

While Cadwell and the other aurors attempted to de-escalate the situation, the pressure built on the Goblins, made terrified by the threat of violence. As it became increasingly clear that Wizarding kind would no longer accept the very beings who minted their money- and sponsored the Triwizard Tournament sources tell me- the Goblins, fearing for their health and safety, took it upon themselves to relocate themselves. In the meanwhile, radicalists no doubt moved to clear the vaults, taking advantage of the absence of DMLE and Gringotts employees alike. These same radicalists were likely the very same who stole wands and spellbooks in months past. Still, insults were whirled at Goblinkind and DMLE by self righteous rioters and attention seeking press, accusing the whole of Goblinkind of theft and the DMLE of neglect, as though these actions would not have been prevented by the fine men and women in uniform had they not had to deal with shrieking harpies of the literal and metaphorical kind.

Unfortunately, neither goblin nor Department of Magical Law Enforcement was available for comment at the time of this article.

– Scandella Bliss, Current Events

Goblins with Sass

I always warn my readers that politics is bad for the digestion. Never did I think it to be so dreadful as to leave one with little to digest at all. As a result of the current economic ructions, I have been forced to dine at the only four-wand rated restaurant which does not serve a decent after-dinner cognac. Whatsmore the economic downturn has led them to resort to the hideous abomination that is the paper “serviette”. Truly, I tell you this is a new low for wizarding high society and one which signals a level of impoverishment unwitnessed since the middle ages. “So what are you to do Jasper?”, I ask myself. As I fork through the remains of my rather disappointing Veal Prince Orloff, I am forced like an earnest academic type or perhaps even a serious journalist to consider the causes which have led to such a cataclysmic calamity.

It is fair to say that our long-fingered neighbours have not always appreciated the way that they have been required to live under our laws. The Code of Wand Use of 1631 (yes my dears, I do like to keep familiar with the history of our statutes – it comes in most useful when one needs to shut down political bores at society parties) prohibited Goblins from the possession and use of wands. Although this was apparently in response to the Goblin Rebellion of 1612, the fact that it extended to all non-human creatures suggests to my humble mind that it might have been something of an overreaction. As for the Goblins themselves, was there really much mental soundness in fighting a rebellion to gain seats on the Wizengamot? I for one should like to avoid the dreadful tedium of such an appointment, especially since those purple robes can make one look terribly rolly-polly after a late supper.

My own true feelings aside, after having witnessed three centuries of on-again off-again rebellion and conflict, large and small, it seems that we made a rather sensible decision in recent years. Following the Goblin riots in France, the question of Goblin Independence emerged in this country. Aiming to handle this question in a civilised political manner, the Ministry of Magic arranged a Joint Goblin-Wizard Assembly to discuss the issue. This body ensured equal representation of Goblin representations and Wizengamot members with the remit of deciding on whether Goblins should separate from Wizardkind; so called Gretreat. What a ghastly word is this not? Milton, Thou shouldst be living at this hour … my apologies. I am sipping a rather subpar Bordeaux and it is bringing out my poetic instincts.

Returning to the matter at hand, this Assembly met on the 27th and 28th August last year where the decision to “Gretreat” was made. If you think that this was a simple decision, you would be very much mistaken dear readers. Both goblins and wizards were divided into various parties, with quite different visions and motivations for their votes on either side. A combination of goblin jingoism combined with wizard demand for take back control of our galleons appears to have won the day. The decision had serious economic implications almost immediately. I for one noticed that the price of floral cravats skyrocketed to insulting levels, whilst my dear friend Philomena Pest had a rather tough time trying to purchase … well, whatever she requires to keep herself looking so very luscious. I will not reveal a lady’s secrets – certainly not in the company of such an insulting vintage anyway.

With the decision to Gretreat being made, it now fell to the Assembly to discuss terms. The principal issue was the status of Gringotts Wizarding Bank. And so we come to Saturday 23rd January 2028. By a majority of 59%, the very same body which voted for Gretreat voted that Gringotts should legally remain under wizard control. One might think that the goblin might have taken this as controversial, mightn’t one? They were certainly stunned into silence. Nothing more was said on the issue for months. The Wizengamot awaited word of the next negotiating meeting. Nothing occurred. Now, almost one year to the day that Gretreat was decided, the Goblins have taken matters into their own hands. Such crafty devils. To think that whilst I had been spending my summer in the Loire Valley enjoying the wine and soft sun and attention of the dear ladies of the French society scene, they were planning most carefully how to make off with my hard earned galleons. Fortunately far too many restaurateurs owe me their reputation to refuse me the occasional complementary supper, but the feeling still lingers painfully under my well oiled hair (badger grease and rose petal water – you can’t beat the combination.)

Anyway, my croque-en-bouche has arrived, so I must leave the future deliberations to yourselves. Where do we imagine the goblins have taken the gold? Do we think there is any way back from such long historical conflict? Even if there is, do we want to attempt it? Any may wish to drag the goblins keeping and scratching back to the negotiating table, but perhaps this is more trouble than it’s worth? Should we not just push through our temporary tribulations and establish our own fiscal independence? To paraphrase the muggle’s Mr Disraeli on the difference between a misfortune and a calamity: “Well, if the goblins vanished, that would be a misfortune; and if anybody brought them back, that would be a calamity.”

– Jasper Aitken-Maybourne, Food Critic

Duel Britannia

Following reports of students struggling to make ends meet, renowned dueler El Cuchillo has called upon his fellow professional dueling colleagues, and the British Wizarding Dueling Association, to donate to a fund for wandless wixen affected by the grecession.

All students who find themselves wandless may reach out to El Cuchillo to meet with a dueling professional in Diagon Alley (or Hogsmeade if they are unable to prior to term starting) who will provide them the funds for their wand.

((Please tag RPD on discord stating “wandless wixen” to organise this, alternatively you may NC Nicasio Ansar))


-Ed. Our regular writer for this column declined to come into work until his note for payment clears. In the meantime here are the scores

Club	Points	Wins
Manchester Mandrakes	39	13
Sandford Slashers	39	13
Godric’s Glorious	27	9
Angus Begbie’s	27	9
Bristol Boggarts	27	9
Cairndow Celts	27	9
Bedford Rangers	27	9
Leighlinbridge Lords	21	7
Aviemore Chieftains	21	7
Caernarfon Krakens	21	7
Cornish Cavaliers	21	7
Bridgend Bulls	21	7
Holyhead Banshees	21	7
Orkney Warlords	18	6
Kinvara Kelpies	18	6
Daliburgh Dragons	15	5
Pennyghael Picts	15	5
Southend Sea-Serpents	12	4

Tiny at Large

As the noon hour approached the Ministry on July 24th it was to the sounds of frantic work and searches being planned by one department in particular. The Department of Magical Law Enforcement is hard at work, hastily attempting to discover how a prisoner in their custody could escape their grasp, seemingly without assistance.

Tiny Arbuckle is a larger set man, with a grey-black plaid brimmed flat cap. He is bald, has a pasty complexion, and is said to own a shape that closely resembles Father Christmas. Make no joke about it, this is a wizard known primarily for petty crimes, yes, but also for reacting quite viciously when confronted. Arbuckle went missing during his transport to Azkaban prison, where he was meant to stay while awaiting trial. Presently there is no explanation as to why he went missing, or ideas of his whereabouts. Law officials and reporters alike are baffled at the sudden disappearance. Interestingly enough, any sign that the man had once been in law enforcement custody has vanished along with the man. 

Arbuckle’s crimes consist of trespassing on various properties including loitering around the Ministry of Magic and Gringotts Bank, theft from a handful of stores in Knockturn Alley, attempted wand theft, with at least one failed kidnapping attempt.

Though no community wide alert has been issued, The Department of Magical Law Enforcement encourages everyone to keep their eyes open, and if a man matching his description is spotted, to contact them immediately and not to engage Tiny Arbuckle.

– Sterling Raggs, Magical Crimes Reporter

A letter to the Editor

Good afternoon,

I woke up disappointed to find that the UK Ministry has made a mess of the financial security of some of my funds that I kept in Gringotts for my extended stays in England. This is not acceptable, and does little to put confidence in the ability of the UK Ministry to handle such grand responsibility. As such, my Fall Collection shall be made unavailable for purchase by any form of UK Currency, be it Galleon, Sickle, or Knut. Anyone found to be trying to purchase my fall collection for a member of the UK will be black listed from future launches.

Until the Ministry can show that I, as a business woman, can feel confident conducting my business in their country, I will keep my launches unavailable to that part of the wixen world in order to protect my and my brand’s best interests.

Henceforth, until this matter is satisfactorily resolved, C A L L I D O R A will be pulling out of the UK markets.

Callidora

Diagon’s Diminishment, Knockturn’s Rise?

Terror-stricken shop owners are faced with the damning possibility that their beloved Diagon Alley could now perish, in the aftermath of the Gringotts protests that happened on the twenty-second of the month. Whether annihilated, dissipated, or just shamefully stolen, it is the merchants and shoppers who will suffer at the hands of this most heinous of events. But with a fall, there is often a rise; can Knockturn Alley’s liverish black-market take hold of the economic instability set to plague our darling country, and will business owners and consumers do the unthinkable and invest what little galleons they have left there instead. Can we trade goods, instead of coins, to acquire those things we love most? Hats, bags, festoons? Or will Knockturn actually Knock-out it’s sister, in this most unprecedented and spine-chilling of situations. The Ministry of Magic’s Head of Magical Resources and Revenue, Dermot Trickelbank, believes a new currency is on its way to replace that of the Goblins, and since he is the expert, the inclination would be to believe it! But would it weather the same storms and maintain its gleaming figure, or balloon itself into inflation-oblivion, causing more harm than good. But until then, we’ll be knocking on Knock-turn Alley!

– Philomena Pest