Goblina Rots is an industry expert when it comes to beauty, but her boundless knowledge and skill comes from an unexpected place. As the resident Embalmer for a funeral parlour in South London, Foul Funerals for your Corpses, Rots has spent most of her life artistically decorating and preventing the decomposition of the dead, by creating the appearance of her clients simply being asleep. Her ability to turn a moth-attacked, months old cadaver into something glamorous and highly envied, has attracted celebrity witches from all across the country. Rots, however, has decided to share her secrets once and for all, and to none other than the readers of our sacred Witch Weekly.
‘Nothing shocks me, dear. A mangled lip, bitten off by an angry grindylow, can easily be reattached and blended into its surrounding dimples. Skin that has sunken into ones skeleton can be plumped up, and fattened beyond belief, if you so desire, and you can never wear too much eyeliner, especially when it comes from the gut of a fish. The dead really are my canvas, but now you can be your own.’
In this weeks article, Rot’s talks about creating ‘Flushed Rosy Cheeks’.
‘In 1989, the corpse of a witch was brought into my embalming room, and she was so pale she may well have been a chalk stick. But by joe she had the most gorgeous cheeks – like that of a little white rabbit, cushioning a large pair of bucked teeth. Now, smearing lipstick onto her cheeks was never going to work – not now that her skin was no longer warm enough to keep it smooth. So I concocted a, if I say so myself dear, brilliant blusher. Here are the ingredients’
1: 1 Aster Flower
2: Juice from the Tongue of a Goat
3: Black Pudding leftovers
4: A Trout, or the Lips of a Trout
‘I start first by crushing the aster flower’s petals together, which gives you a rather fibre like substance, dear. After this, you ought to start squeezing your goats tongue over it – I find it works best with your bare hands. Now, I suppose this is the hardest part, but I suggest that the next time you are having black pudding, you keep some aside. You’ll want to sprinkle just a tiny bit of the stuff onto your mixture, after you’ve juiced the goats tongue. Now, I know you might be tempted to have a bite – but please remember that this is for dressing your cheeks!’
‘Next, you will want to apply mortar across your cheeks, quite laboriously, until it is that you can no longer move them. Once they are completely solid, and here is the part that, well, you simply must not forget to do! With your trout held downwards, dip its lips into the mixture, and then begin to apply your rosy makeup into the upper cheekbones, working your way down, in slow circles, till you have reached your desired shade. Gently slap yourself repeatedly, throughout the day, to keep the colour going. And so, you now have flushed rosy cheeks, and will be the envy of both the living and the dead!’
‘Yours decaying, Goblina Rots’
Well, there you have it. Send in your pictures to Witch Weekly of your new Goblina Rots inspired Flushed Rosy Cheeks, and they might get featured in the next article.