Broomsticks, bludgers, golden snitches. There’s no sport in the wizarding world as exciting as Quidditch! Little news to bring to you this week, or at least no transfers and unusual hostilities, just the normal sort we see every week. I have Calista Earnshaw and Christian Hastings helping with this week’s coverage, and with that announcement, we’ll be launching straight into a recap of the matches!
Tutshill Tornadoes 190 to 440 Holyhead Harpies
Another week, another victory. And this time, a victory that was certainly pleasant for everyone -except maybe Tutshill and their fans, of course. With five minutes into the game, the Harpies took the lead as Chaser Persephone ‘Silver Wolf’ Vitrac scored the first goal of the game, something that inspired her teammates, Jolene Parris and Franchescka De Luca, to follow her example and in between the three, the scores were soon 100 to 40 for their team. The Tornadoes attempted a comeback, and Chaser Luna George seemed to be on the right track, stealing quaffles as if they were candy from a defenseless kid. Unfortunately all of her effort only left her team at 190 to 290 for the Harpies; after all, Keeper Biddy Ó Ceithearnaigh is a very tough nut to crack when it comes to defending her hoops. Fifty-three minutes after the start of the game, the Golden Snitch made a last appearance and the Seekers from both teams rushed into it. Tough luck for Tutshill’s Lacey Bolton, as she got caught in the middle of two bludgers sent by both Harpies’ Beaters, Bennet and Kendrick. Were they trying to make a Tornado Sandwich? Whatever the reason, this was the perfect opportunity for the fierce Captain Kelsey ‘Kelpie’ Galloway, reaching for the prize as if there was no tomorrow and achieving a sweet result that only makes the Harpies closer to the top.
“I mean.. It was tough.. For Bolton, I mean.. She just got yeeted by both of our bludgers, and I kinda feel bad, for her and the balls.. But hey. We won! And I’m sure the healers will take care of her.. Risks of the profession, right..?”– Lillibeth Bennet, Holyhead Harpies Beater.
Montrose Magpies 260 to 330 Puddlemere United
Whoever said Puddlemere didn’t have it in them anymore, might want to watch out for their words -just as how the Magpies had to watch out for United. With their fans roaring to the words of their beloved anthem “Beat back those Bludgers, boys, and chuck that Quaffle here… No team can ever best the best of Puddlemere”, United must have felt the support on their veins, and managed to turn the tables to a game that seemed to follow a certain path towards defeat and deception. The team from Montrose, on the other hand, didn’t seem eager to let United progress. Chasers Silver Summerfield and Cass Audley kept the score moving, and with an excellent pass from teammate Lestat Vrykulesti, they managed to put their team with a fair advantage of 80 points. Who would have told them then that all of their efforts would be reduced to nothing when their beaters refused to cooperate? Indeed, Magpies’ Captain Kane Curtis seemed to have a bit of a tense moment with his co-beater Peter Riches. Witnesses mention that the substitute of Falcons’ Adam Fletcher was in a serious argument with his Captain, about who might go after Puddlemere’s Seeker, not thinking it was as important as their Chasers. By the time they were done with the discussion, United’s Callum McClarken had already conquered the snitch, providing his team and their fans another victory they very much enjoyed.
“The moral of the story is.. When in doubt, snakes seem to be a cool animal to see in your locker.. Even if it belongs to your teammates too.. Might help them to see around the pitch with more.. Clarity..”– Myles Burnham, Montrose Magpies Keeper.
Wimbourne Wasps 440 to 130 Kenmare Kestrels
The wily Wimbourne Wasps knocked out the Kenmare Kestrels with a decisive victory. Wasps fans are said to be thrilled with the decision of team manager, Catherine Hiddlesborough, to switch things up and bring in recent transfers Tryphena Beetlegleam and Kjersti Nathalie, both of whom played a strong game today. Nathalie kept the hoops well defended, while Beetlegleam was the top scorer for the Wasps, responsible for 18 of their 29 goals. Wasps Beater duo, Onyilgowu and Laufreyn, gave Colin McClarken and the Griffin twins a hard time, and though the Kenmare Chasers are a capable bunch and put on a good show for the crowd, defensive flying scores less points! Kestrels Seeker, Hall Mynatt, raced towards the snitch 37 minutes in, but was cut off by Alec Tollemache who took it for the Wasps. Has Wimbourne found itself stable and solidly on task this season… Finally?
Ballycastle Bats 580 to 280 Caerphilly Catapults
The Bats brought home an impressive win, defeating the Catapults with a strong lead and a surprising snitch catch. Before the match started, the pitch was expeditiously cleared of large piles of flower petals spelling out the name ‘Cary’; a strange display assumed to be some kind of dedication to Bats Beater, Caryxander Mordushku (who has recently been ordered by a judge to serve 100 hours of community service due to a Red Sparking incident). During gameplay, Ballycastle Keeper, Haisley Rothenberg, was kept busy by the Catapults capable offensive, but guarded the hoops with impressive coordination and relentless vigour. Green Sparks were called for cobbing on Catapults Chaser, Kasandra Bélanger, 42 minutes into the game. The ordinarily unaggressive player was grounded for 15 minutes as a result. As Caerphilly began a descent into making blunders, the Bats flew on, racking up points and attacking the opposition with ferocity. Rising star rookie, Toutorix Tracy, raced Bats Seeker, Avery Whittle, for the snitch. Whittle emerged from the midair scuffle victorious, with snitch in hand raised high. Despite salacious rumours that gold is exchanged for Whittle to keep his spot on the Ballycastle team, it seems he is not all arrogant talk and no substance.
Appleby Arrows 310 to 120 Banchory Bangers
The Arrows stole a much needed win from the not-so-banging Bangers in this short, sharp match. The game was a little too close for comfort for the Appleby side, but they scraped through with a 4-goal lead and a fortuitous snitch catch after a final push. The Arrows have disappointingly managed to turn things around for the worse since their unexpected, though arguably deserved, triumph over the Harpies at the EQC. The Cumbrian team’s been periodically lagging, falling back down the league ladder, and morale has clearly been on the lower end of the spectrum. But Appelby has fight left in it yet, as this game proved. At the 30-minute mark, the teams were tied, both sitting on 120 points. It wasn’t long before the Arrows rallied behind a war cry from Turlough Parsons, and Jenson Barnett and Justine McNee managed to break away from The Bangers, notching up a further 20 points each. With confidence bolstered, Everett Butcher swooped in and stole the snitch from under Banchory party boy Bryson McConnell’s nose.
Pride of Portree 220 to 170 Wigtown Wanderers
There are a few things that we can never be sure in life about. One of them is -without any hesitations- the final result of a Quidditch game. In this case, we thought that Wigtown might achieve victory. Garry Ivers and Shay Clark were quite eager to prove so, and whilst Babs Paternoster seemed to be all over the place -literally, her broom was flying as if fueled by some sort of high energy magic-, she still made sure to steal quaffles from Portree, passing them to her teammates and of course, send hand hearts over their fans. This gave the Wanderers a solid points advantage despite Pride’s Hayoon ‘Doll’ Seol best efforts: she actually kept away from her hoops a few very tricky quaffles that otherwise would have been scored goals, proving to everyone once more that she’s not only a pretty face. The team from Portree almost got their fans devastated, as minutes passed and the scores were up to 170 to 70 for the Wanderers. It was then when Pride’s Seeker Marfa Parma seemed to be quite still in one corner of the pitch. People wondered if she had been a victim of some sort of curse, petrified even, and the tension grew for a moment. A moment that made Wigtown’s Beaters wary, as they frantically hurried in pursuit of a Bludger or two: Marfa Parma needed to be taken down. Unluckily for the Wanderers, Parma was quicker than any bludgers and their seeker, as she flew deep, managed to do a double loop and caught her Golden Prize, just as the whole stadium uproared -some in happiness, some in frustration- and the winner was decided. Pride of Portree had conquered yet another victory.
A highlight of the pre-match was when players greeted each other and Pride’s Rookie Chaser Elliott Reid met Wigtown’s Beater Darragh ‘Danger Zone’ Daly’s gaze. The stadium went quiet for a whole second, and it seemed as if some sort of disturbance was noted in the air. Despite the apocalyptic vibes, the World didn’t end, and the game went on as programmed.
Falmouth Falcons 480 to 430 Chudley Cannons
Perhaps because of their current standing in the league, the Falcons seemed to underestimate the Cannons. Truth be told, the team from Chudley performed excellently, with a high 75% possession of the Quaffle during the whole match. Always on their best disposition, Chudley’s Chasers scored beautifully, leaving their team with 430 points over Falcon’s 330 score -the last two goals striked by Clarity Terrell, still performing strong, despite the years. Not even a minute after, the Snitch made an appearance on the pitch, and both Seekers flew into it. It was then when Falcon’s Beater Adam Fletcher managed to grab a Bludger and send it perfectly directly towards Cannon’s Seeker Sayaka Satō, putting her down and leaving her definitely unimpressed. With the path certainly half cleared, Dot Townsend managed to dodge every other bludger and went on a mission: the snitch was caught with her arm. Victory was served for the team from Falmouth.
“Could be worse.. It always could be worse.. And considering everything.. I think we did great… We even scored points..!”– Justyn Riley, Chudley Cannons Keeper, on ‘How to always see the half glass full’.
Holyhead Harpies 20 to 500 Montrose Magpies
What a terrible week for the Harpies. Rumours of Keeper Biddy Ó Ceithearnaigh leaving the team soon due to an impending retirement, have intensified after her latest performance. Fans were left with two questions: ‘Was she even trying to defend? Has she actually given up?’ Nothing is confirmed at the moment, so it could be only that the Keeper was having a really bad day. Tutshill Tornadoes bad. It certainly didn’t help when Magpies’ Beater Peter Riches tried to prove himself to be better than his predecessor and sent a very violent bludger towards the Harpies’ Chaser Persephone ‘Silver Wolf’ Vitrac, that knocked her out of her broom. Despite her own protesting -saying that she could still play- Vitrac had to be taken out of the pitch, as the Healer in charge mentioned a head contusion had happened, which meant the Chaser was not to be sent back to her broom. Green sparks were issued to Riches, but even after then, the Harpies didn’t seem to find themselves back into the right mindset. After sixty-three painful minutes, Magpies’ Seeker Arethousa Ainsworth finally caught the snitch and put an almost end to a game really hard to see when it came to awful performances. An almost end we say, because as it seems to be tradition, the rest of the Harpies didn’t forget about Riches injuring Vitrac, and brawling began en route to the lockers. Fortunately no permanent damages were issued, which meant no punishments either.
Wimbourne Wasps 690 to 90 Tutshill Tornadoes
After kicking off the season with inconsistent gameplay, the Wasps are coming good. Tutshill may not have been their stiffest competition, but the Wimbourne side still played impressively, treating the pitch as a battleground rather than assuming it a slaughterhouse. The Wasps stuck fast to their opponents throughout the match, as if the threat of a Tornadoes comeback was imminent. It wasn’t. Infamous team-hopper, Lexie Cullen, has been blamed in recent times for the decline in Tutshill’s performance. And seeing the Wasps racking up 54 goals to the Tornadoes’ paltry 9, it is hardly surprising that Tutshill’s fanbase is less than impressed with their side’s Keeper. Wasps Chasers, McKowen, Peacock and Beetlegleam, all performed strongly, and Tornadoes Beaters, Heath and Baxter, were unable to knock them off course, literally or figuratively. Even the best efforts of Tornadoes Seeker, Lacey Bolton, could not have saved her lagging team. As it turns out, she too was unable to deliver for her side in any case, being beaten to the snitch by Alec Tollemache.
“Just when it seems the Tornadoes can’t perform any worse, they somehow manage to lower the bar.” r– Anonymous disgruntled Tutshill supporte
Puddlemere United 480 to 50 Ballycastle Bats
Quidditch can be a capricious sport, and the events during this unusual match between United and the Bats are best summed up by the reflections of Puddlemere’s manager, Colby Redridge:
“Wixen are inscrutable and infinitely unpredictable. Give them brooms, bats and opposition, and you have a sport that is dangerous, uncertain and thrilling.”– Colby Redridge, Puddlemere United Manager
Puddlemere were raring to go, and kicked off strongly with a 6-goal lead on Ballycastle. The Bats’ points drought was ended by Tobin Townsend at the 18-minute mark, and a second goal scored shortly afterwards by Avonlea Fox had Bats fans hopeful of a turnaround. All hopes were dashed minutes later when a brutal midair head-on collision took out Ballycastle’s Fox and her fellow Chaser, Deirdre Piper, known also to be a key Bats strategist. This was the point of no return for the Northern Irish team. To their credit, the Bats fought on, two players down, while United continued to score. In a shocking turn of events, the alleged love interest of Caryxander Mordushku (at first believed to be a crazed fan) stormed the pitch, demanding to see that the star Bats Beater was unharmed in the earlier collision. After the distraction caused by the woman’s removal from the pitch, the snitch was caught by United’s Callum McClarken, who narrowly missed a last-second Bludger Backbeat courtesy of Mordushku.
Appleby Arrows 240 to 380 Kenmare Kestrels
This game was close and tight from start to finish. A 10-point lead was all that Appleby had on Kenmare during this relatively short game, but as is often the case, it all came down to the snitch in the end. Arrows Chaser, Scotty Moore, scored poorly in comparison to his fellow Chasers, McNee and Barnett. Moore has lost some favour with the fanbase and it is starting to reflect in both his off-pitch attitude and in-game performance. Turlough Parsons and Daphne Quinn were focused as they furiously whacked bludgers at the opposition. It was enough to keep Kenmere creeping ahead, though Colin McClarken and the Griffin twins managed to match the Arrows goal for goal. 29 minutes in, it was all done and dusted when quiet achiever and fan favourite, Hall Mynatt, caught the snitch in an impressively cavalier nosedive.
“Feels as good as a kick in the teeth.”– Everett Butcher, Appleby Arrows Seeker
Caerphilly Catapults 130 to 170 Pride of Portree
A truly unbelievably dull and low scoring match was played by Pride of Portree, who can only be unironically proud of stellar Seeker, Marfa Parma. With just 20 points on the scoreboard 24 minutes into the game, the Portree side were failing to impress. Not that the Catapults’ 13 goals were particularly celebration worthy. Parma – once again – saved the day for Portree, and it seems that the team knew they had grossly underperformed overall as Pride Beater, Kyo Fujiwara, was overheard commiserating with teammate Keeper, Hayoon “Doll” Seol, over the near loss, post-match.
Banchory Bangers 600 to 100 Falmouth Falcons
Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. At the beginning of the week it was the Harpies’, and this time, it is the Falcons’ turn. A certainly disappointing match for the team and their fans, as they seemed to fail to find the pace against the Bangers. Indeed, the Bangers. Perhaps the pressure is starting to be noticed as they keep their spot on the top of the League, or perhaps it was just a really bad day for Keeper Mack Clifford, as his underperformance was highly noted in protecting the hoops. 450 to 100 seemed quite the disgrace for a team like the Falcons. The agony finally ceased when Bangers’ Seeker Bryson McConnell reached for the Snitch and captured it, giving his team the victory they deserved. Surely the after-match party will be big for this Seeker in particular.
“Catch me ootside, hen..!”-Bryson McConnell, Banchory Bangers Seeker
Wigtown Wanderers 510 to 560 Chudley Cannons
What was not possible last week for the Cannons, it turned into a reality this time. It wasn’t because their gameplay was as excellent as last week’s. It was good, but the Wanderers seemed to have a deal with the Quaffle, as their possession went up to a whole 62%. Wigtwon’s Chasers seemed to be on a league of their own, and made sure their score went up with an advantage of a hundred points over the Cannons. If anything, this game was won thanks to Seeker Sayaka Satō. After the result of last week’s match, the Japanese Seeker seemed determined to be born back from the ashes, just like a Phoenix. Her broom flew quickly, and her hand certainly caught the beloved prize: 560 to 510 for her team.
“Dan Power… Dan Power is back…!”-Overexcited Chudley Cannons Fan.