I’ve got to hand it to Hogwarts, darling, they’re a goldmine for gossip! Although perhaps I won’t hand it to them, as I’d like to keep mine, thank you very much. I’ve just had it manicured. But less could be said for the student that recently had theirs ripped from their wrist by the craggy mouth of a galvanized security-troll, stationed squarely around the castle’s main gates. Scathing!
In true bedeviling fashion, the Department of Magical Law Enforcement has somehow afforded themselves the luxury of these highly dangerous, and highly stupid beasts, under the pretense of protecting our northern institution. But I know better, darling! Because nothing says power and audacity like a big green giant snagging off a child’s hand. On the political stage, where Goblins are currently reigning supreme, powerful and chilling symbolism is everything. But nothing gets past my powdered nose!
According to our source, this was only one of multiple vicious attacks on darling innocent students, who never could have known of the gargantuan dangers presented; one dares not think of the poor child beaten ‘within an inch of his life’. It’s disastrously devious, darling! Worse than that, it’s demonstrably monstrous! Darling, it’s abhorrently abominable! Oh! That’s a good one. But one wonders what precedent this sets. Why stop at trolls, when there are dementors too. Oh, it’s a terrifying thought, darling, but think of the fashion!
I know I will. Mwah!