Welcome to Weekly Portents, your one and only source for all things prophetic!
In Weekly Portents I, the one and only Riven Redwhisper, will be giving a special reading to let you know what to expect at Hogwarts in the coming days, weeks, months, and beyond! But that’s not all, dear reader! The cards tell me you should expect much much more in the future including personal readings to answer questions you’ve submitted, tips and tricks to improve your own Divinations game, and I even have an interview lined up with a real live seer! Yes, I know it’s been months since I first promised all these things but rest assured, they WILL happen! Eventually!
What are the Sooths saying? What are the Oracles orating? What are the augers articulating? Check in each week to find out!
3/2/2029
“OK campers, rise and shine and don’t forget your booties cause it’s cooooold out there today!” -unknown 20th century manuscript.
Welcome, dear reader, to another delightful Thursday at Hogwarts and another edition of Weekly Portents where a self-proclaimed expert will give you guidance on the seconds, minutes, hours, and so on to come! Join me as we shine a torch on the murky darkness of our future and appeal to the almighty powers of the universe to guide our way!
First thing’s first though. Elephant in the room and all that. Last week’s reading.
I want to apologise for that. Not only was I in a rough spot and not at my happiest but it was an awful job at dream interpreting too. Before we do anything we’re going to revisit that with a fresh and clean and less morose brain.
For those who didn’t catch it I’d dreamt about a rushing river dragging me under every time I’d try to swim up it. Rivers are a pretty common metaphor in Divinations and I’ve heard this one loads of times already. I knew better, even when I wrote it.
So what’s the actual lesson then?
Well the best thing to do if it’s too rough to swim upriver, and this is not proper wilderness survival advice, is to work with the water and instead of against it. Don’t try to fight or swim upriver but rather let the waters either flow around you or let the river carry you to calmer waters. Become one with the water, even.
Hope this helps someone out there and, again, sorry for the awful job I did last week.
Enough of that, let’s get on with the fun and excitement that is the future!
Today is a very special day across the Atlantic: Groundhog Day! Well it is for me right now but by the time you read this it’ll probably be a day or so after. Anyway, what’s Groundhog Day!? It seems to be an ancient American Divination ritual by which they release a groundhog and whether or not it runs back into its hole will tell us how long and harsh winter will be.
Right, so If the groundhog goes back inside right away you’re in for a long and harsh winter but if it stays out then expect spring to be right around the corner. Simple enough but seems a rather imprecise way to determine the length of your seasons. Most of the documentary I saw was about some bloke losing his mind but I think that’s the gist of it.
Next question is what is a groundhog? Looks like one of those big rodents that has tiny little hands it can pick stuff up with. I dunno, kinda looks like a mega-squirrel or something to me. Pretty cute, honestly.
That’s what we’re going to be doing today but one pretty big problem. Don’t think groundhogs live in this part of the world but never fear, dear reader, I’m not one to just give up on you that easily!
I’ve decided to improvise and use the closest equivalent I could find! Except without the little hands and instead of a rodent it’s a bird but no matter, I’m working with the tools available to me. That’s right, I’m using the chickens by the groundskeeper’s hut instead! Call it GroundChicken day here at Hogwarts then.
Right, so how’s this going to work!? Chickens don’t exactly have a den but they do have the little coop. Guess I’ll just watch one wander about and see if it gets cold and goes back inside right away or hangs out. Also, I know I did a whole weather thing a few weeks back and I said winter’s going to be super bad but it never hurts to get a second opinion.
On with the show then!
Here I sit at a not so mysterious location on the little fence across the groundskeepers huts, watching. Peeked in and the chickens are all huddled up in the back corner sleeping the day away but figured they’d wake up eventually. After sitting here a bloody hour or so I’d almost given up but just as I hopped up to leave I saw a little bobbing chicken face pop out of the coop door. I froze and the little grey chicken and I had a staring contest for a moment before it took a few delicate steps down the ramp.
Almost immediately the chicken turned around and zipped back inside to warmth. If I didn’t know better I’d swear I saw it shake its head and heard it whisper a chickeny little “nope” on its way back in. Based on groundhog day rules that means we’re in for a long, chilly, and harsh winter.
So there you have it, dear reader! Bundle up, stay warm, and keep that hot air charm handy because you’re going to need it!
If you’d like a reading by our very exclusive team of expert or if you just have questions about the art of Divinations itself, please send an owl to the one and only Riven Redwhisper and all your questions shall be answered! (( https://forms.gle/ocpV9iu7C3Axp4kE9 )) Please note that your questions will be published in the article but your identity will remain a secret unless you request otherwise. My mailbox is also always open to fan-mail, feedback, admiration, awards, gifts, or anything else you’d like to send!
