As many of you may already know, our very own Minister Merriweather was attacked with the Cutting Curse in the Ministry atrium back on July 16, 2027 where three persons, unknown of name or purpose at the time, infiltrated the Ministry with full intentions of assassination. The Department of Magical Law Enforcement was quick to act, turning an unknown male into a turtle – yes a turtle, and beginning a Ministry wide search for the female suspect. The third suspect lost their life when a very explosive spell hit the statue and crumbled.
Reports and statements tell that she was found attempting to follow Department members on their search, and when confronted and unable to produce a Ministry issued badge, the suspect acted, and following the use of the Confundus Charm on a Department member, attempted to get into the Hall of Prophecies to no avail. Both attackers were locked up and the lengthy investigation began.
That same investigation has carried on for quite some time with very little results achieved. Now, six months and ten days later of excruciatingly slow progress, the woman who led the attack on Merriweather, now known to be Eolus Volatus, will be sent to Trial with the Wizengamot Court and will face whatever decision they arrive at.
It is attacks like these, on the leader of our great community, that reminds us that no one is truly safe. It is still not known why this attack was carried out, who these two may have been working for, or if it was a radical group acting out against the views and beliefs of Alyssa Merriweather. Maybe we’ll never know? Or maybe it will come out after a few years of time is spent in Azkaban. After all, one can only hope that such an extreme attack on a Minister of Magic results in a one way ticket to prison.
- Sterling Raggs
Growing French Fire
Across the channel, French goblins appear to be mobilising at the behest of U.G.I.P. Leader, Bilwhiz. Following the divisive Gretreat negotiation last weekend, the Goblin, who holds several forges across Britain and Ireland, has started on a campaign tour to boost support against the Wizengamot. After his meeting with several French goblin party leaders, it appears Bilwhiz’s crusade has inspired a similar movement, though amongst French circles ‘Goblin War’ means an entirely different thing. When asked for a comment regarding the growing French fire, Bilwhiz told us to “take the comment from between [his] knobbly Goblin buttocks”.
Life On Mars?
“Aliens are among us”, says local resident Pamela Wells. As the recently crashed asteroid in Hogsmeade continues to smolder and bewilder witch and wizards across Britain, Wells knows better, claiming that this spontaneous event is not spontaneous at all, but a carefully executed operation in which ‘Martians’, a term used to describe those born on Mars, will invade the village of Hogsmeade through a highly advanced portkey, found at the crash site. When asked how she knew this information, Wells, wearing a tinfoil headdress, said that she had ‘visited Mars’ before using broom technology given to her in the summer of 1973, by ‘peculiar gray beings’, and that during her visit she learned of their nefarious plans to take over planet Earth. We sent an owl to the department of Mysteries to see if these claims had any legitimacy, but it unfortunately got lost.
January 2028; Monthly Best Sellers
As an antidote to the weight of current politics, the Daily Prophet overviews this month’s top five best selling reads.
- “Beauty Fades, Cloches are Forever” by Magdaline Gonore (biography). The outrageously funny biography of Madame Gonore, the patron of ‘Hats for the Haggard Hag’ and one-time candidate for Minister for Magic. This one must be a real guilty pleasure because it’s flying off the shelves. Most readers are flicking right to the chapter defending her former client, the Hag of Crowscreep.
- “Memories of Hogwarts” by Aisling Colquhoun (Illustration). This is a charming little illustrated volume published just before Christmas and sweeping up the bestseller list. The book is a series of beautiful illustrations of Hogwarts School by the artist, illuminated by lovely stories and descriptions. Definitely one to buy to escape the humdrum of current affairs and return to the romance and innocence of your school days.
- “British Goblinkind – A Political History” by Bailor Estoppel (academic / history). A rigorous historical review of the relationship between goblins and wizards in Great Britain. A highly recommended read for anybody wishing to better understand the historical context of the “Gretreat” negotiations.
- “Scintillating with the Seeker ” by Milicent Savage (romance). The repressed Head of a Ministry Department balances her professional life with her racy obsession for a delicious professional Quidditch player. Readers of Milicent Savage won’t be disappointed by her latest instalment, but we wouldn’t advise reading it in public.
- “Draught of Deceit” by Cutler Eldritch (Crime / Thriller). The second gripping thriller of that sharp-witted wizarding advocate-detective Atticus Dangerfield. It’s been in the top five since last August and its popularity doesn’t seem to be waning. Rumour has it that Eldritch’s next novel is due out by this March.