Broomsticks, bludgers, golden snitches. There’s no sport in the wizarding world as exciting as Quidditch! This week, there’s no news really, just the thrilling conclusion to the season! I have Calista Earnshaw and Christian Hastings helping with this week’s coverage, and with that announcement, we’ll be launching straight into a recap of the matches!
Holyhead Harpies 530 to 570 Pride of Portree
Tense game for the Harpies, as the recent events directly affect one of their players. Despite some little confrontations at the beginning, the match started as any other, with the team from Holyhead on the lead. Chasers Jolene Parris and Franchescka De Luca aided Persephone ‘Silver Wolf’ Vitrac scoring the first five goals. With fifty points against, Pride began to fully realise they needed to catch up as soon as possible. Valentine Weekes intercepted the quaffle from Parris and sent it over towards Rookie Chaser Elliott Reid who scored beautifully the first ten goals for Pride. After that, the pace of the game went quicker, even if it was clear that the tension in the air wasn’t resolved. The Golden Snitch appeared after seventy-three minutes of game, when the scores were 530 to 420 for the Harpies. Even though Captain Kelsey ‘Kelpie’ Galloway flew in the right direction, something seemed to distract her mid-pat; an opportunity that Pride’s Seeker Marfa Parma took easily, capturing the Golden Prize and the victory for her team. However, the celebrations were soon halted, as riots broke out on the pitch post-match. Someone seemed to yell something about how Harpies’ Chaser Persephone ‘Silver Wolf’ Vitrac shouldn’t be allowed to play in the league, provoking her teammates -which might explain Galloway’s distraction- to instantly defend her with their fists, bats and occasional quaffles. Despite the situation, no players -or werewolves- were injured -much.
“I mean.. As long as she scores, all good, no? Plus.. She’s a good one, I can tell!”– A Holyhead Harpies supporter as they were led from the stadium.
“Terrorists, all of them! What, next? Trolls as keepers?”– Angry fan.
Falmouth Falcons 330 to 90 Appleby Arrows
Clearly the Arrows have decided to keep falling from the board, as much as they can. Not putting up much of a fight against the Falcons, the team from Appleby seemed to have found other distractions to take care of whilst the minutes ran on the pitch. Captain and Beater Turlough Parsons was seen with what it seemed to be a map in his hands -perhaps with the destination of his next holidays?- whilst sending ‘some’ bludgers here and there. On the Arrows’ Chasers front, Justine McNee and Scotty Moore made an effort the twenty first minutes of the game, scoring three goals each, but gradually seemed to lose interest on what was going on, as the rest of the team remained chaotic. Who didn’t seem to lose interest -on fanservicing, at least- was Loverboy Jenson Barnett, as he displayed himself as an almost shirtless trophy whilst scoring one goal at the start of the game, a second one twenty-three minutes after, and a last one just before the end, perhaps a way to prove that there’s no one else who can do what he does. Taking advantage of the Arrows’ dysfunctional gameplay, the Falcons did their job properly: quaffles were sent through the hoops, Adam Fletcher’s bludgers reached their victims, and Seeker Dot Townsend captured the Golden Snitch just in time to avoid even more dishonour on the Appleby name.
“It’s disappointing, you know? It’s been a rough couple of weeks, like, between what happened with Haisley – who was like a little sis to me, you know – and ah, /somebody/ forgetting what a Snitch looks like. Really, though, I blame myself– Partly, I mean. I could’ve scored more goals today, but I got caught up in the energy of those Appleby fans, you get me? The vibes they were giving me. I just had to give ’em something back. I guess that’s my biggest weakness as a player, you know? I just love my fans too much.”– Jenson Barnett, Appleby Arrows Chaser.
Ballycastle Bats 160 to 140 Chudley Cannons
Fans were eager to see the Ballycastle Bats and Chudley Cannons face off, hoping that Dan Powers would give the Cannons the boost they needed to take the Northern Irish team down. Unfortunately, spectators on both sides were left yawning in the stands as this genuinely disappointing and lacklustre match played out. The Cannons, to their credit, scored 14 goals during the 34 minutes of gameplay, while the Bats scored a ridiculous total of 1 goal. Perhaps Ballycastle assumed the worst of their Chudley opponents and turned up half asleep, but Merlin knows there is no chance the Bats would have won if it had not been for the intervention of Avery Whittle. Rumour has it, some are saying Whittle is owed an apology by his teammates with whom he has found himself at odds more than once over his supposed lack of skill and perceived unjustified arrogance over said skill.
Wigtown Wanderers 290 to 640 Wimbourne Wasps
Though it is fair to say the Wanderers have hardly been playing their finest season, the thrashing dealt to them by Wimbourne – who are still a man down with the absence of Beater, Magnus Laufreyn, conspicuous – was nothing short of astonishing. Tryphena Beetlegleam was top scorer for the Wimbourne side, yet again. And Ayo Onyilgowu hit the pitch like a warrior from the first seconds of the game, keeping up a relentless attack throughout the match and doing the work of two Beaters as he faced off against some of the best fliers in the league. If the man doesn’t take MVP for his team this season, something is seriously amiss! Wigtown did not play poorly, but struggled to keep pace with the swarming Wasps, who rallied together and pooled every resource they had to compensate for being one man down. Babs Paternoster, who has been rather quiet this season, scored an impressive 19 goals for Wigtown and Darragh “Danger Zone” Daly battled on in customary fine form. But the fight ended when Alec Tollemache caught the snitch for Wimbourne and held it aloft as the crowd cheered wildly.
Montrose Magpies 570 to 20 Banchory Bangers
The Montrose side put on their best show of the season, while Banchory went on to hang their heads in shame. If there was a match to go out on a bang with, it was this. Unfortunately the Bangers failed to live up to their name and the Magpies wiped the pitch with them, out-scoring Banchory by a humiliating 42 to 2 goals. Montrose Chasers Silver Summerfield, Cass Audley and Lestat Vrykulesti flew like their lives depended on it, scoring goal after goal while expertly dodging the attack from Bangers Beaters Anah Trengove and Jotham Patton.
Magpies transfer Seeker and former captain of the Wigtown Wanderers, Arethousa Ainsworth, proved her worth in spectacular fashion, dive bombing to catch the snitch in a crowdpleasing feat of death defiance. Meanwhile, Bangers Manager, Oliver McCallister, was seen shaking his head on the bench and looking uncustomarily grim. The Magpies are famously known as the most successful team in League history, having won more accolades than any other. Does this win herald a return to greatness for Montrose? The next game (and season) will tell.
Tutshill Tornadoes 470 to 520 Caerphilly Catapults
This could have been anyone’s game, with the well matched sides keeping pace with each other throughout. Tutshill edged ahead 43 minutes into gameplay, Caerphilly still had energy to burn and impressive tactics up their sleeves. Catapults Seeker, Toutorix Tracy, has been a true star player this season, proving to all in the League that he is not to be underestimated. The taking of the snitch by Tracy at the 67-minute mark, was a match highlight and had the Caerphilly stands threatening to topple over from the raucous standing ovation and foot stomping that the triumph inspired. Despite Caerphilly taking this important win, the Tornadoes left the pitch to enthusiastic cheers from supporters, who were pleased to see a very strong game from their side after what has arguably been an extremely poor season for Tutshill overall.
Puddlemere United 10 to 150 Kenmare Kestrels
‘What game?’ seemed to be the question between the fans, as they left the Stadium disappointed. Exactly thirteen minutes and a half was the time the players were up in the air. With barely time for big displays, United managed to get Chaser Phyllida Barber to score the only goal in the match, as she flew straight into the Kestrels’ territory and aided by Jack Jones, sent a glorious quaffle into Reese Barret’s hoops. It seemed that Golden Boy Hall Mynatt didn’t feel like playing ‘nice’ this match, and thirty seconds after the goal, he flew up and captured the Golden Snitch mid-flight, not even leaving time for United to recover after the first goal’s celebration. It is more than clear that the end of the Season is almost here.
“Was Kenmare late for a meeting or something? Near instant snitch catch!”– Not very pleased United Fan
Banchory Bangers 140 to 380 Ballycastle Bats
Banchory failed to start off with a bang while the Bats swarmed the pitch, scoring within the first minute of gameplay. Beaters on both sides kept up an impressive onslaught, with Ballycastle’s Caryxander Mordushku delivering a near knock-out bludger blow to Banchory’s Ulysses Ellington. In a bizarre turn of events, 24 minutes into the game spectators and players bore witness to the first incident of “reverse streaking” known to the Wixen (and possibly Muggle sports) world. Instead of running the pitch sans clothing, an unidentified person apparated onto the pitch centre, reportedly clad in every item of Bats wearable merchandise currently available in stores, including several Ballycastle scarves. After the bizarre yet brief disruption to the game, the reverse streaker disappeared and the crowd were left scratching their heads. Perhaps bolstered by the intruder’s evident Ballycastle fanaticism, the Bats went on to outscore the Bangers, securing a 9-goal lead before Avery Whittle caught the snitch and brought home another victory for the Northern Irish side.
Caerphilly Catapults 150 to 190 Wimbourne Wasps
Astoundingly the Wasps scraped in with another victory, still a player short, while the Catapults failed to hit their target, ending the season on a disappointing note. This short match was almost in the bag for Caerphilly, who led the game right up until the last second, out-scoring the Wasps 15 goals to 4, with much of that lead being thanks to the efforts of Gabriella Dudley. As match favourites, and with the Wasps short on manpower and lagging under the weight of the extra pressure they have faced for weeks as a result, the Catapults relaxed their efforts, allowing opportunistic Alec Tollemache the chance to dive for the snitch and take it for Wimbourne. Rumour has it, Wimbourne’s Ayo Onyilgowu recently returned from a mysterious trip overseas to an undisclosed location. And there is some hushed speculation he may have had contact with missing fellow Beater, Magnus Laufreyn, whose status is still unknown.
Kenmare Kestrels 480 to 130 Montrose Magpies
Kenmare showed up for this match raring to go, employing creative gameplay as encouraged by Manager, Cheryl Hasting. And it paid dividends. Kestrels Seekers, Colin McClarken and the Griffin twins, played a tight game while still adopting innovative moves and strategies.
This seemed to stump Magpies Beaters, Peter Riches and Kane Curtis, who found it impossible to hit their targets. Leading the game 33 goals to 13, the Kestrels had a more than comfortable lead. And when fan favourite and universally well loved Seeker, Hall Mynatt, caught the snitch for the Kestrels, Kenmare supporters could not have been happier. Though the Kestrels had a hit and miss season, and their lower middling spot on the League ladder is unremarkable, they are in a good position to improve their standing next season. Especially if they continue to play like this. Though Montrose is historically the League’s most successful team, they conversely have a shoddy record in the bad luck department (with players dying, being cursed, or otherwise being forced into early retirement). Let’s hope that a return to better days and an end to the bad luck brings more exciting Magpies matches our way next season.
Puddlemere United 490 to 690 Tutshill Tornadoes
United and the Tornadoes both brought their A-game, keeping fans riveted from start to dramatic finish. Phyllida Barber flew impressively, not only being United’s top scorer for the match, but pulling crowd pleasing flying antics and clearly loving every second of the fast-paced pitch action. After she scored Puddlemere’s 20th goal, United fans stood in the stands and burst into a rousing rendition of ‘Beat Back Those Bludgers, Boys, and Chuck That Quaffle Here’, their team’s beloved anthem and Celestina Warbeck classic. United’s Callum McClarken evidently spotted the snitch at the same time his opposition did, yet despite skilful flying, he was beaten to it. Though at the start of this season no one doubted the importance to her team of Tornadoes Seeker, Lacey Bolton, she would prove to be the last hope of the seriously lagging Tutshill side. While it was evident that United fought the good fight in this closely matched game, Bolton’s snitch catch was the crowning glory on a season that could well have ended on a very bad note. It was, without doubt, an impressive final show from Tutshill. But now we are left wondering where was that for the rest of the season?
Chudley Cannons 660 to 550 Pride of Portree
Pride were left to swallow their pride somewhat after a strong final showing from the Cannons, who have proven to all that the Chudley team is no longer one to be underestimated. Portree played a good game, but were clearly unprepared for the meteoric improvements Chudley displayed. Valentine Weekes and Elliott Reid were particularly solid on pitch, both showcasing the finest in Pride flying style and scoring impressively. Portree Keeper, Hayoon “Doll” Seol, gave it her all, but despite her best efforts, Chudley continued to match Portree almost goal for goal, with Clarity Terrell, Casimir Utkin and Consus Król all playing a strong game. And the Quidditch powers that be were seemingly smiling down on Chudley the day the Cannons recruited Sayaka Satō, arguably “the best Seeker in the world”. Once again, Satō proved herself to be the crowning glory of assets to her team and this is a season the international transfer is sure to look back on and remember with well deserved self-regard. Both teams left the pitch with gracious appreciation for their supporters and showing excellent sportsperson-ship. And it is rumoured they shared friendly end of season drinks post-game, congratulating each other on a fine ending to a long journey.
Wigtown Wanderers 160 to 500 Appleby Arrows
After a poor season that no one could have predicted at the 2028 EQC, the Arrows finally bounced back. Some might say it was a case of too little too late, but if the momentum sticks throughout the summer, there’s every opportunity for Appleby to claw their way to a top spot again. Arrows Keeper, Hardy Barnes, made short work of the efforts of Wigtown Chasers, Shay Clark, Babs Paternoster and Garry Ivers, blocking all but 16 goals. Meanwhile the Arrows forged ahead, scoring impressively, with Justine McNee, Scotty Moore and Jenson Barnett all doing their part. Turlough Parsons hit the pitch swinging, quite literally, and his volley of well-aimed bludgers kept the opposition flying scared. Everett Butcher sealed the deal for Appleby when he caught the snitch and ended the season on a surprisingly high note for the team that was falling further from grace than any other. Rumour has it, Butcher is in line for a captainship next season.
Falmouth Falcons 560 to 530 Holyhead Harpies
Though it was a long shot that the Harpies should take first place on the table, it was clear the girls in green played this game as though their lives depended on it. From kickoff, the Harpies were in fine form with the quaffle passing fluidly between de Luca, Parris, and Vitrac. The chasers seemed to be of one mind, always aware of where their fellows were and able to pick up the slack as though it were nothing. Parris was the shining star of the first fifteen minutes, scoring an impressive twelve goals with the help of the other chasers. Not to be outdone though, the Falcons were quick to pull themselves together. Though Adam Fletcher kept up his notorious reluctance to target girlfriend, Persephone Vitrac, he showed no mercy to the chasers she worked with, even going so far as to unseat Parris from her broom, sending her crashing to the ground below ((luckily refs were quick to stop the unconscious chaser’s descent.)) Georgeson was quick to take advantage of the opening and with Halloran and Paddon’s help, the Falcons found themselves with 41 goals to the Harpies’ 53. It was the glint of gold that sparked the final battle of the match though with Dot Townsend and Kelsey Galloway flying shoulder to shoulder after the snitch. Though Harpies fans claim to have seen Townsend uncharacteristically claw at Kelsey’s face to keep the blonde from gaining the lead, referees made no call of a foul prior to the Falcon’s capture of the snitch. The cheers of Falmouth supporters filled the pitch, praising the seeker for finally showing just why she belongs on the Falcons.
After the match, teams were instructed to meet in the centre for the usual handshake and no one was surprised when it came to blows between the two. Whether it was the girls in green defending their downed chaser and injured seeker or the Falcons fighting to defend their honour, no one was free of the scuffle. The highlight of the mid-pitch brawl though, was when Harpies Chaser and noted violent werewolf, Persephone Vitrac stormed towards Falmouth Beater Adam Fletcher. The Chaser reared back and sent a punch at the beater’s face before pulling him in close for a passionate, and- judging by Fletcher’s reaction- very welcome kiss! What an ending to the final match of the season, am I right? No one can ever say quidditch isn’t exciting!
Though it’s obvious who won this season, the Department of Magical Games and Sports will be formally announcing the victory and giving away several awards at a ceremony and sports festival in Hogsmeade on May 22nd. We hope to see you there for some very exciting announcements!