By Alys Blackwell and Perseus Wright.
Brooms, quaffles, bludgers, golden snitches, players giving their everything and fans shouting from the bottom of their lungs -amplifying charm included. After a little summer break, Quidditch has finally returned! The number one wizarding sport we all thrill for.
Alys Blackwell and Perseus Wright will bring you this week’s coverage, filled with the excitement and unexpected comebacks that will ultimately shape the scoreboard for this 2033-2034 season.
And what a season seems to come ahead! If you own a broom, do grab it, you’re in for a ride!
Puddlemere United V Chudley Cannons – 960 – 770
And it’s the Snitch out, and away we go…
…Into a new season!
With Puddlemere facing the reigning champions from the last season, one would think that the results wouldn’t be so surprising.
After all, it is Puddlemere United.
And yet…
Everyone was up for a twist no one expected -or would have, if they remembered about the new transfers and players joining their roster.
Starting strong, the Chudley Cannons -perhaps intoxicated by the sweet taste of victory from their previous season-, decided it was their pitch to play, and their game to -allegedly- take. With their boys Casimir Utkin and Consus Król in pursuit of the Quaffle, the Cannons positioned themselves in a fair advantage during the first twenty-three minutes of the match.
When Chaser Clarity Terrell added more to their score, their fans didn’t even question a possibility of defeat. After all, their team had won, which meant they were obviously ready to take on another season.
For Puddlemere’s fans, the pace and the game seemed as per usual. They were not surprised by their Keeper Viljo Suvi being attacked from different angles -the overconfidence angles- and not being able to use her arms to keep the Quaffle away -or at least at a certain distance. Some of them might have even used those first minutes of the match to take a nap -or go back to the bookie to change their bets.
When hope seemed to have started to pack its bags, something happened that made everyone to either wake up, stand up or stop themselves from changing their bets. A perfectly aimed Bludger by United’s very own Grier Madden, took not only Utkin, but also Terrell as she was trying to pass the Quaffle towards Król.
It was the perfect opportunity to have Puddlemere’s grand opening of the season: with the Quaffle out from the Cannons’ greedy paws, United’s Chasers Sora McKellan and Ariadne Massey finally found their sync with newly transferred -from Pride of Portree, nonetheless- Noah Hawtrey.
Whilst McKellan and Massey worked on stealing and passing, Hawtrey worked on building up the scores.
After fifty-two minutes of game, the Cannons were barely on the lead, 530 to 490.
Thirteen minutes later, the scores were equalised, 650 to 650.
And eighteen minutes after?
Puddlemere had taken the lead, 810 to 770.
It was then when everybody in the stadium either held their breath, covered their eyes, or yelled up to the skies: LAHLAHLAHLAH, I CAN’T WATCH, I CAN’T WATCH.
Fortunately for the readers of this respectful publication, the writers of this article did watch.
As the Cannons’ ‘Golden Boy’ Seeker Callum Thorne flew towards the glint of gold that appeared on the sky, so did United’s ‘New Boy in Town’ Seeker Dani Ferrer.
With a double loop to avoid a Bludger directed at him, Ferrer took the highway of the winds and positioned himself with the confidence of an experienced Seeker -as if this wasn’t his first professional game- to catch a Snitch that would gift Puddlemere with a well earned victory, 960 to 770.
Must be the power of L’Orxata de Xufa -a typical drink from Valencia, or so we’re told.
“<No t’ho puc creure, tete…!>” -Roughly translated from Valencian: ‘Can’t believe it, bruh!’
-Dani Ferrer, Puddlemere United’s Seeker, definitely here to slay.
Wigtown Wanderers V Pride of Portree – 560 – 650
Pride of Portree secured a victory over the Wigtown Wanderers in a match that had everything: goals, spectacular flying, questionable decision-making, and a particularly unfortunate Wanderers’ player who appeared to have been declared an enemy of the quidditch field by the Portree Beaters.
From the opening whistle, both teams fought fiercely for control of the Quaffle, with the Chasers trading goals at a pace that left spectators questioning whether either side had remembered what defending was. The Wigtown Wanderers proved remarkably persistent, keeping the pressure on throughout the match and refusing to let them win, with Chasers Babs Paternoster and Garry Ivers doing their part when it came to the scores.
Unfortunately for the Wanderers, Portree had brought more than their Chasers to the pitch. Their Beaters, Kyo Fujiwara and Lindiwe Ungaro, had developed a rather specific interest in one unfortunate Wanderers player’s head, the new transfer from the French International team, Chaser Sombre Sunshine. Bludgers were repeatedly sent bouncing off the poor player’s head with the sort of consistency usually reserved for professional practice drills….or your worst enemy.
Every time Sunshine appeared to recover, another Bludger came hurtling in her direction, apparently determined to make her skull the most frequently visited object on the pitch -was this a declaration of war towards France from the other International players?
Whether this was a carefully calculated strategy or a deeply personal disagreement remains unclear. Portree’s Beaters declined to provide any indication that the distinction mattered, as their frequency of beating wasn’t repeated enough to ensue Green Sparks.
On a game that marked history for Pride -with Valentine Weekes not flying, but strategising from the outside, as his first match managing the team-, the things that could have gone wrong… Simply didn’t. New roster add-ons Argyle Demoray and Troy Mercer seemed to work seamlessly with veteran -for a whole season now- Leo Bernardi. Whilst the first attempted to charm around -despite his baldness, indeed, those golden locks are but a wig, or so the rumours say- to get his way with the Quaffle, the second silently took it and scored effortlessly. As per the third…. Well. The ‘Bernardi antics’ are already known: boisterous, loud… And… Yeah…Skillful and efficient. Newly appointed Captain Amrishaya Kol will certainly have her hands full this season.
Despite the ongoing cranial and emotional assault, the Wanderers fought valiantly. In fact, they were ahead 560 to 500, when the match was reaching the hour and twelve minutes mark; their Keeper Mick Mooney wasn’t playing around.
It was then when Portree’s Seeker Marfa Parma decided she was bored, and it was time to stretch her arms: a simple zig zag flight, a turn of her head, and her hand sealed the score, with a victory for her team 650 to 560.
“It was great to get out there for my first official match in professional quidditch. Already knowing Troy from school made things easy and Leo was great. Hopefully we can push on from a strong start.”
-Argyle Demoray, Pride of Portree’s Chaser. Will he wear wigs? When will he wear wigs?
Caerphilly Catapults V Wimbourne Wasps – 500 – 470
The Caerphilly Catapults came out swinging against the Wimbourne Wasps in a fiercely contested match that saw both sides fight tooth and nail for every goal. The Wasps refused to be swatted aside like an insect -I know, the irony…-, keeping the pressure on the Catapults and ensuring that nobody in the stands could afford to look away for too long.
Caerphilly’s Chasers Gabriella Dudley, Elara Quinn and Shay Clark put on a particularly impressive display of teamwork, executing a neat series of passes that left the Wasps’ Keeper Kjersti Nathalie scrambling between the posts. Quinn even pulled off a sharp feint to slip past Nathalie, before firing the Quaffle through the hoop, much to the delight of the Catapults’ supporters.
The Wimbourne Chasers answered with some clever passing of their own, catching Caerphilly’s Keeper Biddy Ó Ceithearnaigh out of position, and converting their opportunities before the opposition -or as the kids say, their ops- could recover.
The match soon became a back-and-forth battle, with Chasers on both sides darting through gaps, dodging tackles, and occasionally discovering that their teammates were not quite where they had expected them to be. More than one promising attack ended with a desperate pass sailing just beyond reach, providing the crowd with a brief lesson in the dangers of overconfidence.
Despite the Wasps’ best efforts and initial lead, the Catapults proved just a little more accurate when it mattered. Their persistent attacks from their Beaters eventually gave them the edge, allowing their Seeker Toutorix Tracy to capture the Snitch and end the match at 500 to 470 for his team.
The Wasps certainly made them work for it, but unfortunately, determination alone doesn’t put the Quaffle through the hoops -only bribing … I mean, who said that?
“Naaah, that ain’t it, chief. I smell fishy. Caerphilly fishy.”
-Anonymous Wimbourne Wasps’ fan.
Appleby Arrows V Kenmare Kestrels – 410 – 200
Well folks, if you’ve seen today’s game, all we can say is that… it was something. Not only did we get a game, but we also got an awkward moment involving a player who seemed to have suffered a complete mental breakdown on the pitch.
The game started strongly in Kenmare Kestrels’ favour, with the score sitting at 50 – 150. Their Chasers were undoubtedly the highlight of the team, with Chloe Griffin starting the game off confidently with her infamous move ‘look mum, no hands!
’ before continuously scoring on the Appleby Arrows keeper, Hardy Barnes. Honestly, I don’t even think he knew what time of day it was. Some even said that he was so quaffled that they saw him have one eye in the sky and another on the ground.
As the game went on, however, things began to change unexpectedly… no one saw what happened next.
Kestrels’ Chaser Billy Griffin finally got his hands on the Quaffle after dodging a cheeky bludger from one of the feisty Arrows’ Beaters, Gareth Davies. But just as he attempted to make a shot… that’s when it happened. A belligerent fan could be heard shouting from across the pitch.
‘Heard ye and yer missus are having an issue, and now she left ye and took the cat with her.’
Well, let’s just say he heard that.
One moment he was about to make the play of his life, and the next, he was sobbing uncontrollably. He attempted to take his shot, but instead of getting it in the hoop, he accidentally hit his twin Chloe Griffin in the back of the head, knocking her out of the game -is the Griffin Duo in trouble?
With the Kestrels with one player down, and the added ‘inexperience’ of their third Chaser Tommy Mac -replacing Abigail Grace Ashworth (Bluetooth) due to her… Well, pregnant state-, everybody could see that the team was now in a pickle.
With no room to spare, the game goes from 50 – 150 to 260 – 200 in the blink of an eye, and then it happened: the Arrows’ Seeker Everett Butcher caught the snitch, ending the game 410 – 200.
A thrilling and easy victory for the Appleby Arrows, a devastating loss for the Kenmare Kestrels, and one very unfortunate reminder that perhaps some players should leave their personal lives off the pitch.
“I mean… He wouldn’t let me touch the Quaffle even after all of that…”
-Tommy Mac, Kenmare Kestrels’ Chaser, still trying to find his path.
Tutshill Tornadoes V Montrose Magpies – 490 – 330
Agile.
Temperamental.
Unexpectedly longer…
…than other matches with teams on this level.
Indeed, this was the general feeling of a match that involved two of the few teams that have decided last season’s strategy was the better strategy -or a simple excuse to justify the facts that their funds weren’t juicy enough to tempt any new players, perhaps?
Whatever the case, the match started with the energy of someone who was remembering how to ride a broom after a few years out of shape -slow, cautious- and just past the thirty minute mark, it turned into the same person with confidence enough to run a race -and the wit needed to throw in a few new tricks.
The first score of the game was offered by the Magpies’ very own starlet Chaser Silver Summerfield, when she grabbed the Quaffle just as the match started, flew past the Tornadoes’ double defense and scored through their hoops with a killing smile. Her pace, although slow at first, would be followed by her teammates, with Chasers Cass Audley and Lestat Vrykulesti making their best to keep the advantage on the scores. This would put the Magpies’ fans in a very good mood that lasted almost until the very end, when their hopes were obliterated without mercy.
The Tornadoes, on their end, took a fair amount of time -and violent awakening- to realise they were actually playing a game and they needed to score in order to win. In fact, it seemed as if their Keeper Lexie Cullen had her mindset still switched on to Holiday Mode -maybe those rumours of her spending a few summer nights in Blackpool with her team’s Beater Kip Heath have some sort of truth to it?- as she kept misreading the Quaffle’s trajectory and defending the wrong hoop, whilst giggling each time she crossed stares with Heath.
Whether the rumours were founded or not, Mr Heath took it to his own hands -and bat- to break the Magpies’ lead -and bones- as he seemed to play more aggressively to compensate Cullen’s errors. This proved a brutal revival on the Tornadoes’ strategy, with their second Beater Cerys Llewellyn even getting sparked for excessively bludgering Vrykulesti.
Of course, the Scottish team from Montrose wouldn’t accept the damage quietly after that, and as a counter, their Captain and Beater Kane Curtis got a warning to not only focus on the Tornadoes’ Chaser Robert Parsnicky -who at the time, a hundred and fifteen minutes into the game, was the highest scorer for his team. By then, the scoreboard was at 340 to 330 for the team from Tutshill, and yet, still could be anyone’s game.
However, unluckily for the Magpies, the Tornadoes Seeker and Captain Lacey Bolton decided it was the right time to ‘get that bread’, as she flew down in an exceptional display of agility, double looped and reached out for the Snitch, capturing the first victory for her team -let’s hope not the only one-, with a final score of 490 to 330.
Perhaps, in this particular case, not changing the roster has borne its fruits.
“I see it, I want it, I catch it.”
-Lacey Bolton, Tutshill Tornadoes’ Captain, Seeker and full-time girliepop.
Ballycastle Bats V Banchory Bangers – 980 – 830
Well, well, well.
Who would have thought that changing a particular Seeker permanently could have worked like a charm? Probably everyone.
The Ballycastle Bats suffered a tough year last season, but definitely seem to have used the long break to ‘turn themselves off and on again’, something that paid off almost from the start of the game.
As the Northern Irish team headed into the pitch to face the Banchory Bangers, the fans could see determination on the face of each player. Things started to get heated as soon as the Snitch got released, when a bludger aimed at the Bangers’ Chaser Jack Jones -recently transferred from Puddlemere to replace Doirend Rayne’s retirement- hit instead one of the Scottish team’s Beaters, Jotham Patton.
Ballycastle’s Beater Blaise Bennett -guilty for that bludger- seemed to try to play it off as part of an advanced -and early- defense strategy, but unfortunately for him, the Bangers didn’t seem to agree with it.
From there, things accelerated quickly.
With the team from Banchory absolutely fired up, their Chasers decided to take the opportunity to put themselves out there. A combined effort between Ulysses Ellington, Josias Saylor and the exceptional passes from new boy Jack Jones, put the Bangers up on the scores 450 to 370, within only thirty-seven minutes of game.
It wasn’t only their Chasers, but the whole team pushing into the right direction; Keeper Merrick Fabienne seemed to almost apparate on each hoop every time a Quaffle appeared near him, Seeker Bryson McConnell flew around alert and ready, and newly transferred Beater Lachlan Stewart -the Real Lachlan Stewart- honoured his new team by completely destroying not one but four attempts to catch the Snitch from the Bats.
However, the Ballycastle Bats weren’t doing bad themselves either. Perhaps less ‘fired up’ than the Scottish team, but their Chasers Deidre Piper, Avonlea Fox and Tobin Townsend were starting to catch up -slowly but surely- in terms of stealing the Quaffle, passing the Quaffle, and scoring the Quaffle through the Bangers’ hoops.
So much, that at the two hours and fourteen minutes mark, the scores were at 830 to 830, when Townsend managed to get their last goal.
And just as other matches during the start of the season, it really was anyone’s game at that point.
The whole stadium appeared to succumb to a deafening silence, when a golden glint spawned right on the middle of the pitch, next to a rogue bludger that spiraled without any given direction.
It was the Bangers’ Seeker Bryson McConnell who reacted first, and yet, it was the Bats’ newest titular -finally- Seeker Cassian Fleetwood who caught the Snitch -smug smile included- as he managed to obtain his first official victory for his team, with a final score of 980 to 830.
A really close match that seems to promise interesting outcomes for both teams this season, but then again, what if this is as good as it gets?
Time will tell.
“Listen, you either have it or don’t have it… And I definitely have it… Ha! Imagine if I didn’t have it… Actually, for years they thought I didn’t have it… But I do. I do have it.”
-Cassian Fleetwood, Ballycastle Bats’ Seeker, who definitely has it.
Falmouth Falcons V Holyhead Harpies – 430 – 650
If there was a list of people hoping this match would end up in the Harpies’ favour, newly appointed Captain Lillibeth Bennet was probably on top of it.
Facing the Falmouth Falcons at the Exmoor Quidditch Stadium, the all-girl team had the mission to reassert the dominance they showed on the previous season -and that left them flying at the finals’ doors.
Starting with a strong defense, the Harpies managed to ruin any attempts from the Falcons to score during the first fifteen minutes. Their strategy included a perfectly synchronised effort from Beaters Isla MacDonald and Lillibeth Bennet, sending the right bludgers in the exact moment. Whilst the first focused on aiding their Keeper Hestia Withka -recently transferred from the Catapults-, the second escorted their own Chasers into secure shots towards the Falcons’ hoops.
As Jolene Parris scored her fourth Quaffle -putting the Harpies in an obvious advantage 70 to 0-, the Falcons decided enough was enough.
A sentiment that was widely followed by their fans, as they threw shoes and paper cups into the pitch towards the Falcons’ Keeper Dale Morris side, with chants of ‘booh-hoo, boo-hooh, Morris doesn’t stand a chance, boo-hooh, boo-hooh, someone go and take his place’.
Ignoring and avoiding to look at the stands, Morris certainly did not take responsibility for the points scored against him, and instead blamed it on their new Beater Anah Trengove, alleging that perhaps her time at the Banchory Bangers had made her softer and forgetful of what real Beating was -a move that probably will not sit well within the team, as the season advances.
Whilst the drama with Morris progressed, so did the Falcons’ chances to perhaps turn the scores around. A valiant effort was made by their Chasers, with Declan Byrne taking the lead on trying to steal the Quaffle from the Harpies and sending it through their hoops. In fact, as the match reached just past the hour, the score was 430 to 500 for the all-girls Welsh team, meaning there was still hope for the Falcons.
Or there would have been if one of them hadn’t fallen for desperation.
As time was of essence, Falmouth’s newest transfer from the Ballycastle Basts and all-time infamous Seeker Avery Whittle, presumably thought he was entitled to do whatever it took to win the game for his current team and wouldn’t get caught.
With the Snitch appearing once more after an hour and four minutes of game, Whittle flew down as fast as he could, whilst subtly taking out his wand and aiming at the Harpies’ Seeker Kayla Murphy. The hex was meant to be silent, but thanks to his arrogance, he was seen moving his hand at the right moment. A moment that truly wasn’t missed by a Bludger re-directed from the Harpies’ Captain herself, who took him down, making him lose control of the spell and his broom, just as Murphy flew past and captured all the glory.
Final score: 430 to 650 for the Harpies, a well earned Green Spark for Whittle -who will need to be careful for the rest of the season-, and an appeal for the Falcons’ fans to retrieve their shoes thrown into the pitch as soon as possible.
“Bruv, I should have saved some of me shoes to throw ‘em at Whittle… Should go back to the Bats, innit?”
-Anonymous shoeless Falmouth Falcons’ fan.