By Jace Hume, with Kayli Byrne
Autumn has come. And with that, Hallowe’en is just around the corner! We love the costumes, the parties, the pumpkins and the sweets! Innit one of the best parts about Hallowe’en? The sweets? I know it’s one of my favourite parts, for sure. This year, what we’re going to do is have a proper sweets whizz on the scene to taste test some of my especially divine selections for you.
I present to you Kayli Byrne, sixth year Hufflepuff Prefect. She has literally years of experience with the sweets industry… at least the tasting side of it! And, she is quite sweet herself. In one year, it’s said that she ate her weight in Fainting Fancies. How she managed to stay conscious long enough to accomplish that is anyone’s guess. I’m not sure if that’s just a rumour or if it really happened. But, by now, that’s all urban legend, innit? She’s been known to have a chocolate wand in her pocket for anyone with any sort of little boo boo. (That is, if you’re nice to her!) Don’t forget this, if you are down and out and need someone to talk to, she’ll be right there with some tea and biscuits. Personally, I’m always quite thankful for her kindness! And, right now, so should you be. She’s about to give you the most honest reviews of some of our favourite and not so favourite sweeties of the season!
First on the list, Sugar Mice, the squeaking, sugar confections. I asked for an honest review of the cute little squeakers. And, with Kayli on the scene, she had to try a few! Good thing that I’m made of galleons… not!
After taste testing one, two, three… she exclaimed, “Woah, Squeaking Cutie patootie Mice. Cannot go wrong!” She continued on to let you all know a fact or two about her personal experience. “These Little Squeakers are very sweet, and melt in your mouth almost like a sugar cube! They’re soft and squishy and very very sweet. So if you’re not a total sugar fiend, these might not be for you!”
I provided her with plenty of water to cleanse her palate before offering her a couple of the Fainting Fancies. These are known to cause the eater to faint. But, you already knew that. Right?
After just one, she fainted. Well, that’s one way to get out of answering my questions!
“Woah.. What happened?” she asked upon coming to. And what a little trooper, she cracked right on with her review, “Fainting Fancies are something you could trick your friends with! But be careful, these things are fast acting, and make sure you Spongify the floor before your friend hits it!”
We had to give Kayli a moment to gather herself back into the now. But, she was willing to move along. I think her words were, “I’ll never say no to free sweets.” So, onward! The next one was a little parky [nippy], so to squeak. I offered her the Ice Mice. This particular fancy is known to make the eater’s teeth chatter and squeak! I watched her very closely as she took the first bite. I’ve never had one. It should be known by now that my favourites are the Roach Crunchers, but we’ve left those for another day!
Kayli’s solid review went something like this. “These are some of the best cold treats around, besides ice cream that is! These little mice make your teeth chatter, your insides cold as ice, and also you might feel a breeze or two inside your mouth! Refreshing on a very hot day!”
I gotta say, I think that I saw her nose do the mousey twitchy twitch and her breath smelled quite refreshing after her snack too! It was like the morning after a light snow has lit upon the ground. However, I did take issue when it started to sound like it was better than ice cream? I mean, really? And, pro tip! If you end up with an ‘ice cream headache’ just touch your tongue to the roof of your mouth to warm it up. Headache all gone with the wind.
Anyway! The next and last are sherbet balls known as the Fizzing Whizzbees! If you haven’t heard of them, they’ve been known to make the eater levitate, slightly. I was fully waiting to see what would happen when Kayli did the taste test. I even offered her my mascot helmet. However, she did decline! Living dangerously. Sort of the Hufflepuff way, innit? Thrill seekers. Absolute menaces, the lot of us.
Another solid review on this one. Soon as she crunched one of the large sherbet treats into her mouth, she started to float! “Oh!” she exclaimed! “These are mighty fun and good. They’re large sherbet sweets with a tangy powder inside. They make you feel oh-so-weightless! Makes you feel extra light and floaty! But, be careful that you don’t hit your head on the ceiling!”
We won’t talk about the dent in the dorm’s ceiling.
I jest!
Of course, no one saw that, that didn’t happen! (It really didn’t happen) Yet, a little Reparo goes a long way, doesn’t it?
Don’t forget to visit Honeydukes Sweet Shop next Hogsmeade weekend. Looks like we’re running out of parchment, so that’s a wrap on this week’s article. Until next time!
*Disclaimer: no animals, nor wixen, were harmed in the making of this review [editor’s note: except the billywigs whose stings were removed for the fizzing whizbees]. Kayli’s dignity, however, remains under investigation.