Written by a Macauley Branded Quicker Quoting Quill
forced me to suggested I write this, because the Owl Post used to be her ‘thing’. I never got the appeal. What sort of newspaper doesn’t have a crossword, or the betting pages in the back? The rumours were funny, I’ll give her that. And, as I flip through this ‘new’ version, they were clearly much better back then. Nowadays, you can’t even name the person you’re spreading lies about – where’s the fun in that?
“George, for Merlin’s sake, I might as well write it myself if I’m goin’ tae have tae edit all o’ it!”
Oh, right, right. So what is this about then?
The Beatles one?
“No, love, yer actual job.”
I’m a partner and the overall boss-man in the Anti-Cheating Quills company, which my father co-funded in his youth. The very same quills you get in all of your NEWTS and OWLS started off somewhere in my office.
I graduated with Outstanding grades-
“Pfft! Outstandin’ly bad, maybe.”
Don’t interrupt the quill, pet.
In the most important subjects for my career of choice, which were the following:
– Getting away with murder (Handy when being sued by the Wizengamot)
– How to get through the third detention of the day without losing your mind with boredom (Incredibly handy when working in an office, a chap must know how to entertain himself)
– Having clever friends do my homework (A solid start in learning how to delegate as the boss of my company)
– Sort of fixing Astronomy telescopes (You fiddle with them a bit too much and the fiddly bit comes off in your hand. I learned how to jinx the bit back on there so that it wouldn’t fall until two days later, in somebody else’s hand. (You can work out for yourselves how this serves me)
– Cheating in exams without getting caught (Found the flaws in my old man’s original design and have now fixed them. If one of you finds a way to get past them, write me, and I’ll send you 1,000 galleons. That’s the Macauley guarantee.)
– Confundo’d Wizarding Chess (A blast of a game, and honestly, how you feel like 99% of the time trying to navigate past the pesky tax laws, just significantly less fun)
– Wooing and nabbing a splendid bit of red-headed totty. (Work is more bearable when you have that to come home to)
I think that about sums it up.
“Ye havnae mentioned owt you actually do.”
Haven’t I? Hang on…
Working in a big, fancy office, with lots of underlings has its perks. You get to boss people around all day, and they can’t tell you off. Professors may tell you that Hogwarts prepares you for the working world, but it bloody doesn’t. I get away with miles more now than I did then. That besides, I was rubbish in all those Magical Theory, Mythology, History, Art, and all that hoohah, but a wicked duellist. Once, I strung up Saffron’s ex-boyfriend from his ankles, and-
“Is this really necessary?”
-and another time, I turned Persephone Vitrac into a dog.
“You were a’ready graduated then!”
Right, right.. which is why I didn’t end up in detention for it, which is the point I’m trying to make.
“I cannae see a point anywhere.”
Look, I’m not a Ravenclaw, alright? I’m doing my best.
Point is, school is a great time for laughing with friends, snogging in the secret corners, and being a Gryffindor, but life is much better out here, in the real world. No more detention. No more “tuck in your shirt, Macauley!” No more, “Respect your elders.” It’s all about money, and who’s best at making it. And I’m jolly good.
Don’t worry, snogging in secret corners still happens, only much better, and-
“Och, hen! Gie me tha’ quill!”