By Violette Twiggs, 4th year Ravenclaw – investigative reporter and reluctant victim of Bertie Bott’s mystery flavours
Episode 3 – Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans: Delicious… or Diabolical?
Witches and wizards, we need to talk.
Everyone knows about Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans—those infamous little beans that can go from sweet treat to gag-worthy nightmare faster than you can say “Toadstool Taffy.” But are these colourful candies simply a quirky way to snack, or are they part of some larger plot to make us question everything we thought we knew about food?
Today, I’m diving into the sticky, slimy, and occasionally delightful world of Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans to find out exactly what’s going on with these perplexing sweets. Are they dangerous? What’s really in a box? And why do people keep risking their taste buds to eat something that could literally taste like a troll’s armpit?
The Basics: What Are Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans?
So, to set the basics clear for everyone, Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans are tiny, jelly bean-shaped candies with, as you may have guessed, every single flavour imaginable. From delicious classics like chocolate, cherry, and buttered popcorn to more experimental options like earwax, bogey, and a suspiciously accurate “damp sock,” these beans are a complete gamble. Bertie Bott, the accidental genius who created them, somehow thought it was a good idea to let the candies be entirely unpredictable. You can’t tell the flavours apart by looks alone. That purple bean might be delicious plum—or mouldy bathtub grout.
When you buy a box, you get a delightful assortment of colours and smells, but you have no idea what flavour awaits you until you pop a bean into your mouth. Some might call it thrilling. Others (i.e. me) call it traumatic. Either way, Every Flavour Beans are wildly popular, and not just among thrill-seeking students. Witches and wizards of all ages can’t resist the challenge of taste-testing a treat that might make them rethink the very concept of sweets.
Personally, I think the only safe thing to do is watch other people eat them and take notes. But hey, if you’re feeling brave enough to risk it, I salute you.
What’s in the Box?
When you open one of the iconic shaped boxes of Bertie Bott’s, you’re greeted with a colourful array of beans that smell appetizing. But it’s all a lie ! Don’t let the pretty colours fool you. Each box contains a random assortment of flavours, both delicious and disastrous. But here’s the catch: they all look the same. This isn’t a box of goodies you can sort into “good” and “bad.” Every single bean has the potential to be a tasty treat or a terrible trick. The beans come in every taste, from buttered popcorn and peppermint to yucky rotten fish and vomit (yes, vomit). And no, I don’t mean “yucky” in a “not to my taste” kind of way. I mean “yucky” in a “why am I eating pond scum in bean form?” way.
And just when you think you’ve seen every flavour combo, Bertie Bott’s invents something new. Rumour has it that some batches are extra “creative” for special occasions. With Halloween around the corner and the rise of sweets consumption in the castle, I cannot ask you all enough to be very careful… A ‘Mouldy garlic marmalade’ flavoured bean can easily be mistaken for a similar harmless orange ‘Sweet pumpkin spice’ looking bean.
Rumour has it there’s even a rumoured Peeves Special Edition bean that supposedly switches flavours in your mouth mid-chew. First, it tastes like pumpkin pie, and then BAM! Mouldy cheese! Peeves himself is rumoured to have helped invent it. (Unconfirmed, but wouldn’t put it past him.)
A friend of mine once had a bean that tasted like fireworks, and not only his taste-buds were numb with a burnt sensation for a week… It also made him hiccup colourful sparks for two days straight. But I digress. Back to the topic !
Magical vs. Muggle Sweets: Why Bertie’s Beans Are a Unique Kind of Torture
Now, you might be thinking, “Aren’t jelly beans just jelly beans?” Wrong ! Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans aren’t just some ordinary candy you can pick up at the corner Muggle shop. While Muggle sweets offer predictable, safe flavours like strawberry, lemon or vanilla, Bertie Bott’s offer flavours you’d normally only get from licking the Slytherin dungeon floor. (Don’t ask how i know).
Plus, these beans are enchanted, so when you taste a “damp dungeon” flavour, it feels real… the cold, the grit, the slightly damp stone. It’s like eating an experience, and sometimes that experience is “why did I do this to myself?” It’s more than just taste; it’s a sensory adventure that Muggle candies can’t come close to.
It’s practically a rite of passage to test your courage (and stomach strength) against their flavours. Why we do it, I’m not sure, but it’s like some kind of unsaid challenge: if you can handle a Bertie Bott’s bean, you can handle just about anything the wizarding world throws at you.
The “Every Flavour” Promise : It’s not just a Slogan – It’s a Warning !
The words “Every Flavour” on the box aren’t just there for fun. They’re basically a public safety announcement. These beans don’t just come in flavours like strawberry and caramel. Oh, no. Bertie Bott’s takes the “every” part of “Every Flavour” very seriously. You might get a lovely “Cherry” or a comforting “Vanilla smudge”, but just as easily, you could end up with “Frog Breath” or “Goblin Fart”.
Of course, there are beans that taste good… like gingerbread, chocolate mousse, and blueberry tart, to name a few. But Bertie Bott’s makes sure they’re mixed in so sneakily that you never know if that brown bean is Cocoa fondant or Troll Earwax. The only way to find out? Bite down and hope for the best.
Are These Beans Dangerous? Well, It’s Complicated.
So, here’s the question everyone’s too embarrassed to ask out loud: Are Bertie Bott’s Beans actually safe? They may not be dangerous in a “turn you into a toad” kind of way, but the wrong flavour can definitely make you wish you were a toad. Bertie Bott’s actually has a tiny disclaimer on their box, warning you that some flavours may “linger longer than anticipated.” Linger longer? You gotta be kidding ? Well. No.
Here’s where “Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans” gets interesting and a little alarming. While they’re not classified as dangerous, certain flavours can challenge even the sturdiest stomachs and can leave a lasting impact.
Each bean is infused with a unique magical flavour charm, and some of these can linger in your mouth (or nostrils) for hours, if not days. For instance, the infamous “Lava Goblin Breath” flavour includes a mild fire charm, causing unlucky eaters to feel a fiery sensation in their mouths that can bring tears to their eyes and a tingling warmth in their throats. Some say the “heat” of this flavour can last up to a full day!
Another bean known for its endurance is “Swamp Sludge.” Described as a mix of rotting algae and mildew, this bean’s aftertaste can’t simply be wished away. Some students have tried essence of mint, lavender sprays, and even tongue-cleaning charms, but they report a sour, earthy flavour lingering for days.
Tales from the Trenches: The Real Life of Bertie Bott’s Victims
Anyone who’s had a Bertie Bott’s bean has a story. Hogwarts students share horror stories the way others might swap chocolate frog cards.
Priscilla Blimwing, a 3rd year Ravenclaw, who prides herself on her “refined palate,” found a bean that looked like honey and popped it in with a smile. Her smile dropped instantly. Turns out, she’d chomped into “Wart-Crusted Foot,” a repulsive blend of sweaty sock and stale pumpkin juice. Rumour has it she tried to hex the box of beans afterward, calling them “utterly uncivilized.”
Lottie Lumbuckle, a perfectly sane 5th year Hufflepuff, thought she was going in for a marshmallow-flavoured bean. What she got instead was a bean labelled “Rotten Egg Delight.” Half a bite in, she squealed and spat it out across the Charms classroom, earning her a detention and a very stinky textbook. “It tasted like… sadness and disappointment,” she later reported when I interviewed her.
Maisie Moonbeam, 4th year Slytherin, was dared by her housemates to try a bean labelled “Dungbomb”. What followed was a cacophony of coughs, gags, and the phrase, “It’s in my nose!” Afterward, Maisie’s friends dubbed her the “Dungbomb Queen” and gave her a fresh pack of “safe” sweets, though apparently she didn’t eat any and she still eyes the pack with suspicion.
Neville Nottley, a fierce 6th year Gryffindor, who claims he’s “never met a bean he didn’t like,” finally met his match with the “Toe Cheese” flavour. The stench alone made his eyes water, but the taste? “Like if a boggart turned into my smelliest sock,” he claimed, and some classmates say he’s been swearing off Bertie Bott’s for an entire week afterwards.
Final Verdict: Tasty Treat or Diabolical Dare?
So, are Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans a treat you should try, or a prank disguised as a snack? I’d say they’re both. If you’re feeling bold, go ahead and grab a box. After all, there’s nothing quite like the thrill of wondering if your next bean will be fruity or foot-flavoured. Just remember: with Bertie Bott’s, you’re signing up for adventure.
But beware! If you value your taste buds (and your dignity) approach with caution. Because, as we’ve learned, you might be in for more than you bargained for.
In the end, Every Flavour Beans are just another reminder that, in the magical world, nothing is quite as simple as it seems. And if you’re brave enough to try one, just know you’re keeping alive Bertie Bott’s legacy of mad, unpredictable bean magic. One bite at a time.
Next : Pepper Imps, and Fizzing Whizzbees
