Aries (March 21-April 19)
Your next shower will be interrupted by a venomous tentacula. The bats in your attic are organizing. Your usually dominant manner is replaced by a coy submissiveness today. Go with it. What you see as a talent, others see as a sign of weakness. While others curse the storm, you’re out cruising for mud puddles. Jump in as many as you can, just remember to bring an inflatable duckie to keep yourself afloat in the deep end.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
It’s time to fall into a fetid pond of YOU! Your bones are slowly turning to dust. Won’t be long now. Your next Career: Diagon Greeter. Merlin will tell you the meaning of your existence, but in a thick, unintelligible accent. Life is like Berttie Botts: just when you’re ready for something delicious, all you can taste is earwax. Spit it out and try again. By Friday, you’ll find a very sweet treat.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Tell that person you love them. You know who we’re talking about. Wait! No, not him! Stop you fool! You have found ways to successfully nap in the shower. Venus is making itself felt in your pants today. Stop napping. Or start. Whichever you’re not doing. Lately you’ve been about three knuts short of a sickle. Take some time off to check your money and pick up some new coins before your bank rusts away from disuse.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
It’s been years. Go ahead, punch that dementor in the head. You usually do the wrong thing and don’t discuss it. Good things come in tiny packages. You will get a worthless coupon in the mail. Little jarveys are telling you tall tales; what you think is a dove of peace turns out to be a stool pigeon. Don’t let them ruffle your feathers.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Your friends are planning your birthday party. But they have the wrong date. You are most likely to die by falling out of a window or getting run over by a dementor. Your next career: Master Level Ferris Wheel Operator. Aaaaah! There’s a bowtruckle on your shoulder! Something good is just around the corner, but you’ll need to cross the street, tip a busker and invent a secret handshake before you get there. Wear a fedora and trenchcoat for extra style points.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
You should take that chance you’ve been debating on for weeks! I know you’re being cautious, but time to shake it off and just DO IT! If it pays off, it could make you happy. You could receive love, a new horse, some very clean money or a year with a traveling circus! If it goes badly, all you will have lost is your sanity which wasn’t really there to begin with, some good lasagna, a toenail or your broom. Whatever the case, at least you’ll get to see some entertaining people this week that you won’t have to pay for! That adorable sun freckle on your nose will mark the beginning of a niffler problem!. You’ve always been committed to being yourself. Stop it. Your keys are missing. If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands, especially if you’re standing behind a friend who’s trying to concentrate. They’ll laugh and twitch and scream in delight.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Remember: Two white stripes means it’s a skunk. You eat a lot of food from different cultures You don’t understand. Your next Career: Serial Temp. You will inherit debt this month. Feel free to put on a happy face this week, just make sure you take your own glum, depressed face first. Otherwise the noses will smush together and you’ll sound like a goose with a cold.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Things may be a bit confusing this week. You can only solve one problem at a time. I suggest you keep calm. Maybe take a bubble bath, don’t write any family members, don’t look the mailman in the eye and stop wearing boxer shorts that are too small! Don’t worry; things will get better…hopefully. A stranger may mean you harm this week so greet everyone with a blood-curdling shriek. Your exciting plans for the weekend bore the planets. Your lucky number is pi. Tense? You’re stretched so tight, your butt goes “twang!” when you pass gas. Relax those cheeks before you snap and take someone’s eye out.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
You’ll soon absorb much of the wisdom the world has to offer, thanks to hundreds of encyclopedic volumes and four rather unsteady bookcases. Everywhere you go, laughter and comedy ensue. This would be great if you were trying to be funny. Keep a close eye on your bank balance today, which shouldn’t be hard given that you’re nearly broke. Your lucky number is 11. Life can be beautiful, but you’ll be lucky if it has a great personality and laughs at your jokes. Otherwise, you’ll be escaping Thursday through the bathroom window while it eats your breadsticks.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Someone at school or work may hit on you. Unfortunately, you do not find them attractive (is it that one eye that is bigger than the other?). You should hang out with them anyway because you’ll be surprised how much you learn! You may increase your knowledge about the beginning of the magical education, or learn about the REAL ingredients in brewed glory to different wand motions that all include wheat products or what to do when you get stabbed with a pencil! Jump at this opportunity! You have out-of-body experiences on a daily basis. Your next Career: Pubic Stylist. Your lucky number is .437. You are sugar and spice with hot sauce thrown in for flavour. Next time someone thinks you have no bite, kick ‘em in the Tabasco and make ‘em howl.
Aquarius (January 20 to February 18)
Take the long way home. In fact, just give home a miss today. Seriously? You’re wearing that? Someone who you least expect to be interested…isn’t. Failure is certainly an option. You may not be the brightest lantern in the room, but you’re probably twisted enough to be a handheld one, which just means you’re efficient and pompous at the same time.
Pisces (February 19 to March 20)
You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect niffler. Try a new deodorant. They know about the jarveys. You will develop an attractive skin condition. Just when you’re ready to steal the show, you discover it’s rigged with alarms and guard dogs. Add a few pork chops and wire cutters to your dance routine, and they’ll never know what hit them.
Aries (March 21-April 19)