Article by Eric Hyland
My fellow students, I have some dire news to share. Our beloved school is under attack. You may not have noticed, but outside forces have invaded our castle, and if we don’t stop them, they will threaten the safety and the security of our school… I’m talking, of course, about the gnomes.
The day was January 22nd, and Professor Wilbault was wrapping up another Care of Magical Creatures class, one that saw us students peacefully (mostly) caring for the fairies decorating the Grand Staircase. Nary a soul present could have predicted what would come next, as the professor departed and the students began to do the same.
The gnomes attacked! From out of nowhere, hundreds of the ornery little gits swarmed into the Grand Staircase, and in a whirlwind of foul language, mud-flinging, and shin kicking, the war had begun. This intrepid reporter, who witnessed the entire event, can’t say for certain what brought the gnomes into Hogwarts; the bitter cold? The constant snow? A desire to ruin everyone’s good time? I’d believe all three. But whatever their reasons, this cannot be allowed to stand!
The gnomes, while attacking students indiscriminately, seemed to focus most of their ire on our other invaders from the forest; the fairies, and the fairies, very displeased with being assaulted, certainly fought back. From the combination of fairy dust cascading down from above and the filth throwing, ankle biting gnomes below, students of all houses and ages were forced to scamper for safety, abandoning the battleground.
So what then, can we do? With fairies on one side and the gnomes on the other, how can we reclaim our school? The answer is clear; we must fight! Join forces with the fairies, the gnome’s bitter enemies, and drive them from our castle! Now you may be wondering, aren’t the fairies just as bad? They invaded the castle too, after all, when they should be living out in the forest.
This may be true, but what have the fairies really done? Sure they’re snobby, vain, and don’t cooperate when you try to turn them into earrings, but they’re a rather harmless bunch. But the gnomes? Well don’t just take my word for it; let’s see what the other students think.
I asked Raven Stormborn, a Slytherin first year, whether the gnomes should be allowed to stay.
“No way, they attacked the fairies and they weren’t doing anything but minding their business. I think they should be kicked out of the school.”
Jesma Pearl, a Ravenclaw student, was asked if she thought we should take sides.
“Weel, Ah dunnae ken their side, the gnomes, but e’en if Ah dunnae have anything against the gnomes normally, Ah dunnae think they shoods be in the castle. They dunnae have guid manners ay aw. The fairies jus flit aroond an luik bonnie. They ur nae flingin mud an thins loch tha loch the gnomes ur.”*
Hard to understand accents aside, it’s clear the students agree, these gnomes must be pushed out. So join me fellow students, fight these pests wherever they may be. Curse them, jinx them, kick them, hurl them, but one way or another, we’ve got to join the fairies in throwing them out of our home!
*Scottish to English translation: “Well, I don’t know their side, the gnomes, but even if I don’t have anything against the gnomes normally, I don’t think they should be in the castle. They don’t have good manners at all. The fairies just flit around and look pretty. They are not flinging mud and things like that like the gnomes are.”