Brooms, quaffles, bludgers, golden snitches, players giving their everything and fans shouting from the bottom of their lungs -amplifying charm included. The number one wizarding sport we all thrill for is here to make you jump on your broom.
Calista Earnshaw and Edward Callbeck will bring you this week’s coverage with the special collaboration of Pauline Abbott.
Without much further ado, let’s jump right into the results!
Banchory Bangers v Wimbourne Wasps – 270 – 390
The bottom of the league has surprisingly moved!
Moved as in, they went out to the pitch, and played the game, to at least keep their pride.
The Scottish team from Banchory mounted on their brooms with the decision of an unsorted first year student at Hogwarts -filled with doubt. Only Captain and Chaser Ulysses Ellington seemed to have faith in his team, whilst the fans roared with a mix of support and disdain from the stands. Nevertheless, Ellington managed to keep his Chasers chasing, and both Doirend Rayne and Josias Saylor seemed up to the task, making sure the Bangers were slightly ahead from the Wasps.
Unfortunately, time was not on their side, as the Wimbourne Wasps seemed eager to wrap up the match. Beaters Emily Thompson and Aoife Murphy were always a step ahead from the Bangers’ Chasers, almost breathing on their necks every time they scored, so they could send them down with a bludger or two. Forty-three minutes after this constant chase-beat-down-loop on repeat, the Golden Snitch decided to bless everyone with its presence, in an attempt to make things a little more interesting.
Even though both seekers went out to seek, it was the Wasps’ very own Mieke Königsmann who managed to capture glory. Whilst her flight and movements were graceful, it was her team’s Beater Aoife Murphy’s bludger that helped to seal the deal; sent at the right time and at the right moment towards the Bangers’ Seeker Bryson McConnell. In the end, the victory for this match was for the Wimbourne Wasps, 390 to 270.
Even after this defeat, when it comes to points scored, the Banchory Bangers are ahead of the Wimbourne Wasps, however, with the latter having one less loss, could this be a way to get out from the bottom of the barrel?
A question to be answered soon enough, no doubt.
“Eh… Je… Uh… Not many words I can say… At the end, we… How is it? <Mordre la poussière… oui?> We.. Eh… We bit the dust, understand?”
-Merrick Fabienne, Banchory Bangers’ Keeper on his team’s performance.
Tutshill Tornadoes vs Puddlemere United – 850 – 880
If patience is a virtue, this match had plenty of it. Why?
Well… Simply because this was one of the longest games of this matchweek.
And it was long because maybe -just maybe- it dragged a little. At some point, the fans began grabbing out their sleeping bags because it looked like they would be there for a few hours -if not days.
The Tornadoes and United locked out into a battle of the death, blood was flying -not really, just adding dramatic flair and entertainment to save our readers from boredom. Or are we, dun dun dunnnnnnn.-
Early momentum swung toward the Tornadoes, who came in fast and aggressive, stacking quick goals like they were trying to stack big galleons. Chasers Robert Parsnicky and Luna George seemed certainly on point, as they threw the Quaffle through Puddlemere’s hoops repeatedly, with the confidence of a team that was -until then- above the team they were facing on this season’s leaderboard. Even their third Chaser Elliot Nelson benefitted from this momentum, as he passed, scored and even sent charming smiles to his fans at the stands.
United didn’t bite.
Instead, they absorbed the pressure and slowed things down, turning the match into something far more methodical. Their Chasers Sora McKellan, Jack Jones and Ariadne Massey began building plays step by step, forcing the Tornadoes to defend longer sequences and gradually wearing them down. Their strategy was not to win by better plays, but to take a page from the Holyhead Harpies’ latest games and wear down the enemy.
From there, it became a war of endurance.
Every time the Tornadoes went on the offense, United chased them down like a heart broken ex -we do not recommend this strategy, the Ministry of Magic might end up involved… What?
Every time a change in the scores was within anyone’s grasp… Nothing happened. Even the die-hard fans began to accept that the fate of this game was going nowhere -especially after three hours and eleven minutes of game and a current score of 400 to 460 for the Tornadoes.
Bludger control shifted constantly, both teams finding moments of disruption but never holding it for long . As the score pushed deep into the 800s, fatigue started creeping in. Passes took a fraction longer. Reactions slowed just enough to matter. That’s where United found their edge.
With the score sitting at 850-730, the Snitch was caught by Puddlemere’s Seeker Callum McClarken, who -finally- ended a five hours and thirteen minutes match that was starting to mess with everyone’s mental health in the stadium. United celebrated with a 880-850 victory.
“Through hardships we find Gold… -En Snitches.”
-Callum McClarken, Puddlemere United’s Seeker and Good Guy In General.
Holyhead Harpies v Chudley Cannons – 480 – 590
When a mistake like this appears, so late in the season, one can’t avoid but to wonder: was it really an error, or perhaps a way to spice things out of boredom?
In all honesty, when it comes to the temperamental Holyhead Harpies, one can never know.
It seems, however, that this game followed the trend of others played during the current matchweeks and it was done in under an hour.
The Chudley Cannons went out into the pitch making a full display of their motto, by crossing their fingers and hoping for the best, as the Harpies had proven to be a mentally unstable -allegedly- team, so far at least.
With their strength focused on their Beaters, the Cannons started a strategic game that aimed to minimise their losses. They knew the Harpies’ Chasers were tough -and so were their Beaters… And their whole team, really-, but perhaps if they planned ahead, they could make a cake out of bread and live to enjoy it.
Beaters Noëlle Ó Ceallaigh and Kathi Cassidy saved their best bludgers for the critical moments, allowing the Harpies to score, but not get ahead further in points.
On the all-girls team side, Chasers Siobhan O’Connor, Fiona Campbell and Jolene Parris were on fire, streaking quaffles through the Cannons’ hoops as if there was no tomorrow. Their own Beaters Bennet and MacDonald seemed to be slightly reserved during this game, and all pointed to defense rather than offense. Despite everything, at forty-seven minutes after the match started, the scores were in their favour, 480 to 440.
It was then when the Golden Snitch appeared and the whole stadium held their breath. The Harpies Seeker and Captain Kayla Murphy dived with haste, only to be taken away by a hesitant but effective bludger sent by the Cannons’ Beater Noëlle Ó Ceallaigh. Although the Harpies’ Beaters seemed to attempt to react, their timing was lacking -which seemed suspicious in a way-, allowing the team from Chudley’s Seeker Callum Thorne reign with confidence, as he double looped, extended his hand and obtained victory for his team, with a final score of 590 to 480.
The Chudley Cannons’ fans exploded in a roar that made the grades vibrate, celebrating the historic victory against the Harpies.
One must wonder, however, what was in the Harpies’ minds letting this victory slip away from their fingers, so late in the season?
A mystery that surely will be solved soon.
Or never.
“He’s blond, he’s tanned, he comes from Cornwall’s coast! Callum Thorne! Callum Thorne! He comes from Cornwall’s coast!”
-Anonymous Chudley Cannons fan.
Falmouth Falcons v Appleby Arrows – 810 – 520
When the league’s most unapologetic teams meet, one doesn’t expect finesse. One expects bruises, broken broom handles, and at least one referee rethinking their career choices. The Falcons and the Arrows delivered magnificently.
The match stretched over two hours. From the moment the whistle blew, the Falcons made their intentions clear. Their motto, ‘Let us win, but if we cannot win, let us break a few heads’, was treated less like a slogan and more like a tactical manual.
The Arrows were hardly innocent. They came in with their own philosophy of ‘Whatever it takes’ and a roster full of players who treat the rulebook as a polite suggestion. In short, it was a perfect storm.
Both teams opened aggressively. The Falcons Chasers pushed ahead with a mix of temper and precision, while the Arrows countered with their usual rule-bending flair. The score racked up fast on both sides, but the Falcons maintained a narrow lead through sheer force. By the 45-minute mark, the score sat at 260-240 for the team from Falmouth.
Mid-match developed into a War of the Beaters. Falcons’ Duo Rhys Morgan and Lachlan Stewart -the real Lachlan Stewart- dominated with elegant manoeuvring and raw power. While the Arrows’ Ewan MacLeod and Gareth Davies fought for their lives with calculated strikes and high velocity. Bludgers flew rapidly, slowing the game’s progress as the healers scrambled to keep players airborne. At the hour mark, the score had climbed to 430-380 for the Falcons.
The Falcons’ Keeper Dale Morris spent most of the match shouting about his ability to ‘never make mistakes’ despite the five goals he let pass his hoops. While his counterpart from the Arrows, Hardy Barnes became an emotional disaster, attempting to fight the Falmouth’s Chaser Carran Georgeson across the pitch after a smug goal celebration. Both Keepers received a warning, neither cared.
By the final stretch, the Falcons had built a comfortable lead, but with the Arrows’ Seeker Everett Butcher on the pitch, nothing was guaranteed. The snitch appeared near the Falcon’s goalposts, and both seekers dove. Dot Townsend went in like an actual falcon, swift, precise, and utterly unbothered. She snatched the snitch cleanly, pulling up with a triumphant grin as Butcher took a bludger to the face, mid dive, leaving a final score of 810-520 for her team.
The Falcons celebrated with enthusiasm. The Arrows left bruised, furious, and plotting revenge. A record number of incident reports were filed by the referees. And the fans? They got exactly what they came for: a bloodbath. A match that only the Falcons and the Arrows could produce.
“You have been weighed, you have been measured and you have been found… Wanting.”
-Dot Townsend, Falmouth Falcons’ Seeker on the Appleby Arrows’ performance.
Montrose Magpies v Ballycastle Bats – 290 – 190
This game… Well… ‘Game’…
Whatever this was, lasted under 30 minutes… And honestly, no one is entirely sure what happened.
The Magpies came out, scored a bunch, and before The Bats could properly blink, they were already behind and trying to figure out which direction they were flying. There were a few goals, some vague attempts at defending, and at least one moment where a fan asked if this was still warm-ups.
At one point, the Quaffle had barely been tossed back into play before it was already sailing through another hoop. The pace wasn’t fast – it was borderline disrespectful. The Bats looked like they were still introducing themselves while the Magpies were already halfway through the job.
To their credit, the Northern Irish team did try to respond, just taking 10-15 business days. There were flashes- quick drive, a couple decent setups- but nothing stuck long enough to actually matter. Every time they looked like they might settle in, the Scottish team had already scored again and moved on.
Then suddenly -at exactly twenty-nine minutes after the start, when the scores were 290 to 40 for the Magpies- Snitch caught. And honestly? By absolutely chance. The Ballycastle Bats’ new Seeker Cassian Fleetwood was turning around to avoid a Bludger, but instead ended up catching a Golden Snitch -unfortunately for his team, really.
Final score: 290–190.
Short. Confusing. Efficient.
The only thing longer than the match was people asking, ‘Did we miss something?’
“Wait… What? The match was today, right…? [Expletive]…! Am I late?”
-Anonymous Ballycastle Bats’ fan.
Kenmare Kestrels v Pride of Portree – 780 – 660
Some matches are fast -no comment. This one… Was not.
The Kestrels and Pride settled into a drawn-out contest where neither side rushed anything, turning the game into a slow burn of pressure, patience, headaches and who would blink first. Early on, Portree looked sharp, moving the Quaffle confidently and keeping things level with steady scoring, much of it coming from Valentine Weekes and Leo Bernardi, whose ‘Fianchetto’ angels continued to make absolutely no sense to the defenders.
The Kenmare Kestrels didn’t panic.
They played the long game, literally. Short passes, controlled buildup, and carefully chosen shots started to add up. Leading that effort was Abigail Grace Ashworth, who dictated the pace with calm precision -too calm, maybe, as if she was guarding something-, picking her moments and converting them cleanly. Instead of explosive runs, it was a steady drip of goals that gradually pushed them enough to almost catch up with Pride.
Portree kept it competitive, though. Every time the gap stretched, they reeled it back in, just enough to stay out of reach. Part of that came from Beater Kyo Fujiwara, who worked relentlessly to disrupt Kenmare’s flow, breaking up plays and buying Portree just enough space to keep fighting and keep the lead.
As the match dragged on, you could see the difference; the Kestrels still looked composed, and Portree started forcing plays. Passes got tighter, shots got rushed, and those small cracks turned into just enough space for the Kestrels to almost catch up with Portree.
Meanwhile, Kenmare’s Seeker Hall Mynatt remained patient throughout, tracking quietly in the background while the rest of the match unfolded.
By the time the score reached 630–660 -with Portree still in the lead-, it wasn’t a blowout, it was a slow, inevitable separation. The Snitch capture came soon after, clean and decisive, as if Hall Mynatt had suddenly decided to wake up and put an end to a match that had been building towards that outcome for a while.
Not flashy. Not chaotic. Just controlled, patient Quidditch from the Kestrels, that paid it off with a victory and a final score of 780-660.
“In the end, the Tortoise won the race…”
-Hall Mynatt, Kenmare Kestrels’ Seeker and part-time philosopher.
Caerphilly Catapults v Wigtown Wanderers – 830 – 710
First, the Holyhead Harpies.
And now… The Wigtown Wanderers?
The top two teams of the league seem to have crashed and burned down as the season approaches to the end.
Alright, maybe that was an overreaction. However, for the Wigtown Wanderers, this match was not what they were hoping for.
With Caerphilly sitting just on the higher end of the midfield, the Wanderers probably thought they had not much to worry about, as long as their Chasers did their jobs.
And for a while, they did.
Chasers Babs Paternoster and Garry Ivers started the scores for the Wanderers, putting their team ahead for the first half an hour of the game. Quaffles were up, down, to the left, to the right, and into the hoops of Caerphilly’s Keeper Hestia Withka, who wasn’t probably liking the way the match was going.
To make it worse -for Withka-, Shay Clark scored an impressive midfield shot that left the Wanderers’ fans with their throats hoarse, as they all celebrated whilst clashing their wands into their meat cleavers -children are not to try this at home without supervision.
Things were looking bright and nice for the Wanderers, as their Chasers kept chasing, Beaters kept the Catapults at bay -mostly Cade Lindon, who probably didn’t even need to throw a Bludger to make his opponents get out of his way, but still did, hitting everyone he needed to- and their Keeper Mick Mooney was saving most of the Caerphilly’s shots with confidence.
And perhaps, just perhaps, overconfidence was their fall down.
A hundred and thirteen minutes after the match started, the scores were in favour of the Scottish team, with 710 for the Wanderers and 680 for the Catapults.
What they didn’t expect, is that their Beater Aiden ‘Death Swing’ Parkin would be grounded for five minutes for excessive bludgering Caerphilly’s Chaser Gabriella Dudley -the judges decided to Green Spark him rather than Cade Lindon, for… Reasons, of course.
With one of their Beaters down, the Wigtown Wanderers lost their momentum, and as the Golden Snitch appeared, chaos ensued. Their Seeker Evie Proudfoot went for the snitch, but got confused as Parkin was about to be released from his ‘Referee Prison’. At the same time, Cade Lindon went to send a Bludger towards the Caerphilly’s Seeker but got intercepted by both their Beaters -Radek Mercer and Jayme Pearce. And in the middle of all of that confusion, the Catapults Seeker Toutorix Tracy saw, reached, grabbed and conquered the Snitch, obtaining victory and a final score of 830 to 710 for his team.
“Haha… Sure, it definitely was Parkin who was sending those bludgers… Hahahahah…”
-Gabriella Dudley, Caerphilly Catapults’ Captain, Chaser and smart girl in general.