Professional Quidditch Matchweeks 21 & 22

Brooms, quaffles, bludgers, golden snitches, players giving their everything and fans shouting from the bottom of their lungs -amplifying charm included. The number one wizarding sport we all thrill for is here to make you jump on your broom.
Calista Earnshaw and Edward Callbeck will bring you this week’s coverage.
Without much further ado, let’s jump right into the results!


Wigtown Wanderers V Montrose Magpies – 810 – 520
The Wigtown Wanderers seem to be firm on their beliefs of keeping themselves at the top of the league -but so did the Falmouth Falcons, and that hasn’t turned out well for them.

Whether they manage to make it to the finals of the British and Irish Quidditch League or not -this summer, stay tuned for the big event with the top teams-, is something that hasn’t been decided yet -although at this point in time, they do stand a very good chance to be there.

With the intimidating air that characterises them, the team from Wigtown in Dumfries and Galloway -on the West Coast- stepped into the pitch of the Ilkley Moor Stadium in Yorkshire, ready to face their opponents, also Scottish, but from the East Coast -sworn enemies, allegedly.

The Wanderers meant business, and having already defeated Pride of Portree, they were ready to assert dominance over the rest of Scottish teams -and the rest of the League, but one must start one country at a time, right?

This dominance was shown early in the game, when Chaser and Captain Garry Ivers scored up to six times in the first three and a half minutes of the match, leaving the Montrose Magpies’ Keeper Myles Burnham potentially thinking of revenge.

As Ivers’ dominance was contagious -his co-chasers Babs Paternoster and Shay Clark benefited from his aggressive strategy, scoring a few points of their own-, the Magpies’ Beaters saw the need for a perfect counterattack, -after all the East Coast shall not surrender to the West Coast. Captain Kane Kurtis swung his bat with precision, and for a moment -around twenty-two minutes of game-, the scoring Wanderers were kept at bay. Simultaneously, Beater Peter Riches took over the defensive side, allowing his Chasers Silver Summerfield, Cass Audley and Lestat Vrykulesti to keep up with the scoreboard, allowing the Magpies to almost catch up with the Wanderers, 510 to 660.

It only took them almost two hours of game.

Alas, the hopes from the Magpies were shattered when the Golden Snitch flew past their Seeker Arethousa Ainsworth; too shiny and too fast for the witch to react in time, just before a very strategic bludger sent by the Wanderers’ Beater Cade Lindon hit her. With Ainsworth down, opponent Seeker Evie Proudfoot saw her path clear: a double loop, a triple zig-zag, the Golden prize in her hand, and a victory for her team with a final score of 810-520.

The Wanderers had done it again.

And after this round, they are the only team on the leaderboard with nine wins under their belts and only two losses.

Now, the question remains: Are the Banchory Bangers afraid the Wanderers are coming for them? After all, they are the last Scottish team left to be beaten by the team from Wigtown.

Or perhaps… Will the Banchory Bangers -truly, almost at the bottom of the board- pull a Ballycastle Bats’ strategy and turn ‘an-almost-sure-loss’ into a ‘sure-victory’?

More to come in the following weeks!

“Really…?”***
-Cade Lindon, Wigtown Wanderers’ Beater.

***: Truly, he did not say ‘Really?’, however the stare given to the press, potentially meant that. The press did not dare to question back. For their own physical safety.


Pride of Portree V Holyhead Harpies – 1040 – 1170
If anyone needed a dose of adrenaline, watching this epic encounter surely did the trick.
With both teams on the higher end of the leaderboard, expectations were set and met.

Just as the game started, both sides of the stadium went into complete silence, as fans -and press all together- wondered whether the Harpies’ strategy would be unorthodox this time as well. As quaffles were sent through hoops and bludgers were beaten, the answer seemed clear: no -or at least ‘no’ for now?

Perhaps the Harpies had finally found a worthy opponent?

Or maybe they just had a lot of fun beating Portree’s Chasers, because after today that’s probably one of the headlines: Leo Bernardi getting hit so often by bludgers, that Pride’s fans are filling paperwork to classify it as a sport within a sport.

According to witnesses -and Leo’s ‘mangled’ face-, the Harpies’ Beater Lillibeth Bennet, -allegedly of course…..don’t need her breaking my legs too- had his name circled, highlighted, and perhaps written in fire. Every time he got the Quaffle and headed towards the Harpies’ hoops, a Bludger mysteriously arrived a second later, like a poorly timed birthday surprise that nobody expected to see -curiously spaced enough to not be classified as excessive beating.

And somehow?

Even with his new found nemesis… He still scored. Repeatedly.
What made the situation even better, was that every time Bernardi was sent spinning, Portree’s veteran Valentine Weekes immediately swooped in, saved the Quaffle, and scored as if to say in spite “And that’s how you actually do it, kid.” -insert extra sass here.

Truth be told, Weekes turned in one of his most polished performances of the season. He read the field beautifully, finished plays cleanly, and seemed to have a sixth sense for when Leo was going to be ‘bludgerly’ assaulted; making out of Bernardi’s disgrace an advantage for his team -and himself.

However, Chasers weren’t the only ones performing well for Pride of Portree.

Pride’s very own Amrishaya ‘The Chaos’ Kol lived up to her nickname with a downright disruptive performance. She shut down attempt after attempt, read the Harpies’ angles perfectly, and punched shots away with flair.

She even outblocked the infamous Biddy Ó Ceithearnaigh by two full saves -which is saying something, because the Harpies’ Keeper is well-known for blocking everything, even guys who approach her.

As both Protree’s and Harpies’ Chasers were busy scoring, Keepers were keeping and Beaters were beating, time flew past, and the match entered their third hour of play, without any major incidents, or any issues at all -sus.

At this point, the Referees probably wanted to go home and relax -pity that their wishes didn’t count.

In fact, when said Referees were about to -allegedly- cast a Major Illusion to pretend they were still there, the match took a twist that no one -hah- expected.
The scores were at 1040 to 1020 for Portree, and whilst the Harpies Chasers Siobhan O’Connor and Fiona Campbell had been doing their work to not let the Scottish team get away with victory, it was Jolene Parris who provoked a questionable winning twist.

As her team was twenty points behind, Parris accused Portree’s Beater Kyo Fujiwara of excessive beating, provoking him with words and gestures that would probably make even some rough sailors blush.

In the heat of the moment, the usually calm, collected and very polite Fujiwara fought Parris back for a second that ended with instant regret; words were said, bludgers were thrown and even a glove flew in between the two players. Why? Reason unknown.

Unfortunately, the exchange between the two resulted in Green Sparks for both, as well as being grounded for five minutes. With one Beater down, Portree was slightly more defenseless than the Harpies with a Chaser down.

It only took three of those five minutes for the match to wrap up. A Golden glint was spotted flying near one of the stands, and as Portree’s Seeker Marfa Parma made a zig-zag movement in pursuit of the Snitch, she was directly hit by a very well timed bludger sent by the Harpies’ Beater Isla MacDonald. With Parma down, Captain and Seeker Kayla Murphy shined bright like a diamond, as she saw, flew, and seized her team’s victory, with a final score of 1170 -1040.

Were Jolene Parris’ actions a mere coincidence?
Or was it an unexpected -and twisted- mind game from the Harpies when they were twenty points lower in order to win an advantage?

A mystery that perhaps will remain unresolved until the end of times.

“Clearly a fan. Bet she wants my autograph and instead of words, uses bludgers. Endearing, truly.”
-Leonardo Bernardi, Pride of Portree’s Chaser, on Lillibeth Bennet’s alleged focused beating.


Ballycastle Bats V Falmouth Falcons – 600 – 580
When thinking about the Falmouth Falcons at the start of the 2032-2033 season, only one thing came to mind: victory after victory.
And it came to the Ballycastle Bats from the start of the same season, the feelings were exactly the opposite: defeat, tears, poor execution and why, oh, why, can’t one never find the pair of a favourite sock when needed?

So, after twenty-two match weeks… What is happening?

Well, Ballycastle seems to somehow have started to turn things around.

Emphasis on ‘started’. They have a long road to go, and not many rounds left; although with the present victory, at least they have solidified their presence on the midfield of the board -unless something really bad happens, like for example someone confirming any Felix Felicis usage.

That would be bad.
Very bad.

And what about the Falcons? They definitely haven’t been cursed -allegedly- by the Wigtown Wanderers. However, one thing is certain: their winning streak is lost, and definitely slowed down. Along with the Chudley Cannons and Pride of Portree, they stand proudly on the top of the board, with seven victories, just under the Holyhead Harpies and the Wanderers.

Curiously enough, this match seemed as if it would favour the Falcons. With the Bats’ performance being an absolute Wild Card, the team from Falmouth thought they’d have this in a bag, pretty much ready to go.

With an impressive offense on the pitch, the Falcons’ Chasers Declan Byrne and Caran Georgeson made it their personal mission to make sure the scoreboard gave them an advantage; and with the help of Lucius Paddon, they certainly achieved their goals -literally.

After exactly seventy-two minutes of game, the Falcons had an advantage of over a hundred points from the Bats: 580 to 450. The Irish team had their Chasers -especially Tobin Townsend- fight for the quaffle as they could, to give their Keeper Marsha Lyon a bit of a breathing rest.

Unluckily for them, the Falcons were not having it, and their Beaters were certainly being the guardian canines -wait, weren’t they birds?- of their hoops. Falmouth’s very own Lachlan Stewart -the real Lachlan Stewart- sent a few strategic Bludgers towards the Bats’ Chasers and Seeker that left the fans in awe, believing their team definitely would get their victory streaks back.

Nothing further from reality.

Unluckily for the Falcons, the Golden Snitch made itself present when they least expected it. Although their Seeker Dot Townsend reacted fast, her actions were not enough to defeat the speed from Ballycastle’s New Boy On The Pitch Cassian Fleetwood. With just a double loop and a clean ‘seeking’ movement, the Bats’ Seeker captured the Snitch and won yet another game for his team, with a final score of 600 – 580.

The joy from the Ballycastle Bats’ fans harshly contrasted with the feelings of pain and betrayal from the Falmouth Falcons ones.
Feelings that probably could be easily summarised with: “And in the end, it doesn’t even matter…”

“Cruel… Cruel, cold and unfair Quidditch World…”
-Anonymous Falmouth Falcons’ fan, probably hiding a tear or two down their face.


Puddlemere United V Caerphilly Catapults – 570 – 750
United held their own for much of the opening stretch, but once the Catapults found their rhythm, the match shifted sharply in their favor, ending in a confident win.

Puddlemere opened with a composed, methodical play, moving the Quaffle with patience and forcing the Catapults to work for every defensive stop. Their early goals kept the pace steady, and for a while the game looked like it might settle into an even back-and-forth.
But then the team from Caerphilly got down to business -and not to defeat the Huns.

The Catapults’ Chasers, led by Elara Quinn, -whose throws carried precision of a marksman- and Gabriella Dudley, -who never misses an opportunity to punish a gap in coverage-, began firing off rapid, coordinated drives. Clean passing sequences, sharp cuts through midfield, and shots curved just out of reach of United’s Keeper Viljo Suvi, that turned a scoring run into two, and then three. Suddenly, the team from Puddlemere began scrambling to slow down the gap they were creating.

United responded with grit, insults and even rocks -allegedly thrown from the grades- just to punch in the goals where they could, refusing to fall completely out of the match. However, the Catapults’ Beaters Radek Mercer and Jayme Pearce, weren’t having it, and tightening the coverage, they made it their personal mission to disrupt long passes and to shut down transition plays. Every United attempt looked harder, tighter, and more forced, as the Catapults’ gap increased.

By the time the score reached 600-570 in favor of the Catapults, the pressure was building rapidly. Both teams’ Seekers swept the pitch in long arcs, shadowing each other with rising urgency. Puddlemere’s Callum McClarken stayed close, keeping the seek honest and giving United hope.
But, of course, that was only until Caerphilly decided to crush their dreams, as their Seeker Toutorix Tracy finally captured the end of the match, with a final score of 750-570.

“Haha, yay! We did it! Very proud of my t-.”
-Toutorix Tracy, Caerphilly Catapults’ Seeker and Permanent Silencio’s victim.


Chudley Cannons V Tutshill Tornadoes – 340 – 660
The Tornadoes wasted absolutely no time showing why they’re one of the fastest teams in the league, tearing through the Cannons in a high-tempo match that never really slowed down -fans’ necks will never be the same after that day.

From the opening whistle, the Tornadoes’ Chasers took control of the pace, with Luna George and Robert Parsnicky running tight formations and punching in early goals before the Cannons could settle into any defensive rhythm. Even Tutshill’s Elliot Nelson quaffle’s movement was sharp, almost annoyingly efficient, and every attack seemed to come from a new angle.

The Cannons did manage to put together a few solid scoring drives, answering with the physical, straightforward style they’re known for, with great plays from Chaser Clarity Terrell. Unfortunately, every time they started to build their fans’ expectations, the Tornadoes came in like a wrecking ball. It was like trying to catch the wind -by the time they reached it, it had already moved.

Bludger control leaned heavily in the Tornadoes’ favor as well. Their Beaters Kip Heath and Cerys Llewellyn spent most of the match disrupting any Cannon counterattack before it could get dangerous, forcing rushed passes and cutting off breakaway chances.

By mid-match, the Tornadoes had built a significant lead, and it only grew as their Chasers continued piling on points. With the score sitting comfortably in their favor, their Seeker and Captain Lacey Bolton finally made the decisive move, spotting the Snitch and locking in a clean catch to end the match at 660–340.

A dominant showing from the Tornadoes -quick, controlled, and impressively…..a step ahead- while the Cannons were left chasing a match that slipped away almost as fast as the Tornadoes flew.

Will the Chudley Cannons position at the top of the leaderboard be threatened after this horror show?

Find out on the following match week!

“It was like seven tornadoes sent seven hard cannons flying away… That ain’t right…”
-Anonymous Chudley Cannons’ fan.


Banchory Bangers V Kenmare Kestrels – 820 – 840
The Kenmare Kestrels and Banchory Bangers delivered one of the closest and most chaotic matches of the season, ending in a razor-thin victory for the Kestrels that had both fanbases clutching their robes until the very last second.

Right from the whistle, both teams made it clear this would be a scoring race rather than a defensive showcase. The Bangers came out swinging, their Chasers Ulysses Ellington and Josias Saylor blitzing the pitch with rapid drives that had the Kestrels’ Keeper Reese Barret question his own sanity. Despite the initial hiccup, the team from Kenmare wasted no time answering back with their signature fluid passing and long-range shots, keeping the scoreboard neck-and-neck.

The match escalated into what can only be described as a goal-trading festival. Every time the Bangers celebrated a score, a grin could be practically seen on the Kestrels’ Chasers as they went right back down the pitch to return the favor: Abigail Grace Bluetooth and the Griffin Duo were simply unstoppable when it came to revenge. The crowd barely had time to process one tally before the next one soared through a hoop.

Bludger battles were fierce but surprisingly clean, with both Beater duos working overtime to buy their Chasers just enough breathing room to keep the scoring frenzy alive -Anah Trengove and Jotham Patton beating on the offensive for the Bangers, whilst Isla MacRae and Blossom Fairbairn went with a more defensive approach for the Kestrels. It felt less like stopping the opposing team and more like trying to outrun them.

By the time the score hit 490–490, the tension was thick enough to slice with a Diffindo. The Bangers pushed ahead, then the Kestrels tied it. Then the Kestrels surged ahead, and the Bangers tied it again, sending fans from both sides into emotional spirals.

Towards the end, it was the Scottish team from Banchory that came ahead 820 to 690, leaving the Irish opposite team with a bitter taste in their mouth.
But just as it happens in many Quidditch games, the entire outcome came down to the Seekers, who had been circling each other like stressed-out hawks for most of the match. When the Snitch finally darted into open air, both launched after it, but it was the Kestrels’ Seeker Hall Mynatt who managed a clean, desperate grab just moments before the Bangers’ fingertips could close around it.

As Mynatt achieved a fantastic victory 840–820 for the Kenmare Kestrels, their fans around the stadium -and outside- howled with joy. After all, that meant moving up towards the lower midfield positions in the leaderboard, whilst the Bangers descended towards the bottom.

“It was a tough game, but we ‘spongified’ it with our team effort.”
-Hall Mynatt, Kenmare Kestrels’ Seeker and fully committed Team Player.


Wimbourne Wasps V Appleby Arrows – 600 – 920
What to say to the Wimbourne Wasps when their luck has changed in such a drastic way?

‘Sorry?’
No, that might sound way too condescending.
‘Please, keep trying, things might look brighter in the future?’

With only a few rounds left, that might be sort of an impossible task. But then again, ‘miracles’ -certainly not involving any usage of forbidden potions or curses and other illegal things- can happen.

Even if it is to take a team back to the midfield; after all, that can feel like a victory itself, once the bitterness from the bottom of the barrel has been tasted -ask the Ballycastle Bats, if not.

Then again, luck was not in the favour of the yellow and black team. Another set of players, with a much more pre-disposition for tricks and violence -and with that shared desperation to climb up- decided they had enough losses in the current season, and therefore, it was time to change.

The Appleby Arrows suddenly remembered they had been Eurocup Champions not so long ago, and if they had to sacrifice a few sparks in order to win, so be it.

Chasers Justine McNee, Jenson Barnett and Scotty Moore gave their all in a match that had… Truly, everything.

With fans from both sides chanting away to support their teams, the match started promising for the Wasps. Chaser Layne Peacock scored the first ten points of the game, followed close by Tryphena Beetlegleam, who managed to put the next twenty points up for her team.
Unfortunately for the team from Wimbourne, the Appleby Arrows had settled for ‘victory no matter what’ -certainly a hard level almost impossible to solve.

As the match advanced, the Arrows took the lead on the scores; and as the Wasps tried to counter -and almost achieve their target-, the team from Appleby dived into a violent strategy that cost them not one, but two Green Sparks.

The first one was handed towards Ewan MacLeod, for excessive beating: scoring Wasps? Bludger. The Wasps’ Seeker Mieke Königsmann attempting to capture the Snitch? Bludger. Anyone from the Wasps even breathing? Bludger.

Excessive beating, indeed.

Despite everything, the five minutes MacLeod was grounded didn’t change the results much; the Arrows were still in the lead, 650 to 520.

The second Green Sparks came in the shape of the Arrows’ Keeper Hardy Barnes, after the Wasps’ Chaser Robyn McKowen scored against his hoops in a way he definitely did not like. With McKowen flying at him in her most acrobatic style, Barnes did not expect the corner trick-shot that would score the last ten points for the Wasps. In a very Barnes’ way, the Keeper accused McKowen of cheating, and threatened her with his wand… No, that was a typo. His hand, he threatened her with his hands, as violence was his weapon of choice that day.

The referees were not having it, and subsequently Barnes got Green Sparked and grounded for the last ten minutes of the game.

Luckily for him, his Beaters kept the Wasps’ Chasers at bay, and his Captain and Seeker Everett Butcher found the way to capture the Snitch without a third Green Sparks.

Final result? Victory for the Appleby Arrows, 600-920, and a sad Portkey return home for the Wimbourne Wasps.

Perhaps -only perhaps- their luck is about to change.

Or not.

“A, B, C, D, E, F… U.”
-Hardy Barnes, Appleby Arrows’ Keeper, still unsure of the order of his letters.