Brooms, quaffles, bludgers, golden snitches, players giving their everything and fans shouting from the bottom of their lungs -amplifying charm included. The number one wizarding sport we all thrill for is here to make you jump on your broom. Calista Earnshaw and Edward Callbeck will bring you this week’s coverage, filled with the excitement and unexpected comebacks that will ultimately shape the scoreboard for this 2032-2033 season.
Without much further ado, let’s jump into the first weeks of 2033!
Happy New Year!
Ballycastle Bats V Chudley Cannons – 360 – 480
Ah, nothing like some good reset for the Quidditch grid after the Christmas Holidays!
The teams came back to the pitch knowing exactly what to do and how to strategise better so we can all thrive with their matches for the rest of the season!
Unless, of course, the team in question is from Ballycastle and uses Bats as their mascot.
The match started with a new hope for the Northern Irish team, with their Chasers Tobin Townsend and Avonlea Fox scoring twenty points each, something that vividly raised the expectations of each of their fans on the grades. Truth be told, with the help of their third Chaser Deirdre Piper, the Bats carried on scoring, making the Cannons’ Beaters -with Kathi Cassidy almost throwing her bat to the side at one point- job very hard; constantly avoiding bludgers and bamboozling everyone with out-of-this-world Twirls and Zig-Zags that clearly meant they had been practicing during the Festive Season.
As the match progressed, the Cannons decided they needed to do something about the renewed energies from the Bats. Keeper Justyn Riley even went to the lengths of starfishing along his hoops, and Chasers Consus Król and Clarity Terrell did their best trying to score back, and after ninety minutes of playing, they almost leveled the points, with 360 for the Bats and 330 for their team.
With delusional chants of ‘This is our season’, Ballycastle fans saw their dreams crushed as the Chudley Cannons’ one and only Callum Thorne made his personal take of ‘veni, vidi, vici’, and truly, conquered the game. As the Golden Snitch made sight at exactly ninety three minutes and thirteen seconds into the game, ‘The Oracle’ himself dived onto the pitch, flew in three loops and captured the snitch with an ease that even the Bats’ fans had to acknowledge Thorne would look good in black and scarlet. Unfortunately, -or not- bright orange is still his favourite colour.
The final score of the match gave the Cannons a victory of 360-480 for their team.
Ballycastle Bats, are you sure you stepped into 2033 with the right foot?
“Please, sir, can we have some crumbs?”
-Anonymous Ballycastle Bats fan, after yet another loss of their team.
Falmouth Falcons V Banchory Bangers – 970 – 960
In one of the closest and hardest-fought matches of the season, the Falmouth Falcons edged out the Banchory Bangers with a hair-thin 970-960 victory in a game that kept fans on their toes until the very last second.
From the moment the opening whistle, both teams traded goals at a blinding pace, neither side willing to give their Wizflix account… I mean, give an inch – wrong article, ignore the previous words in here-. The Bangers’ chasers pushed relentlessly through the Falmouth’s defense, racking up the points and forcing the Falcons to stay aggressive in response. This forced the Falcons to show them ‘whose ‘hood they are really in’ -Quoted by an anonymous Falmouth player and totally, we mean totally, not made up on the spot. By mid-match, the scoreline remained tight, with only a handful of goals separating the two sides.
What ultimately tipped the balance was Falmouth’s beaters; apparently, they went quite feral near the end. Some even said you could catch -the real- Lachlan Stewart foaming at the mouth when he found out how close the game was. Another even said Rhys Morgan ended up doing a drive-by bite on the Bangers’ Seeker Bryson McConnel’s forehead -Allegedly, of course, even when noticeable markings were spotted on his forehead, so maybe he arrived onto the pitch just like that…
Whatever the case, the Falcons’ Beaters constant pressure was no joke, repeatedly beating chasers, seekers, and foes alike -feral is just a state of mind.
With the score sitting at 960-820, tension rippled through the stadium as both seekers began circling closer and closer to the snitch. But just when the game was going in Bangers’ favor, down goes their seeker -Stewart’s doing- and in goes Falcons’ very own Dot Townsend, catching the snitch with a final 970-960 score for her team.
A marvelous contest from start to finish, Falcons’ discipline, their bloodhounds, and marvelous seeker, won them this game.
“For my team, I’d do anything. ANYTHING.”
-Rhys Morgan, Falmouth Falcons’ Biter Beater.
Appleby Arrows V Pride of Portree – 910 – 600
The Appleby Arrows delivered a ruthless performance against the Pride of Portree, storming to a dominant 910-600 victory in a match that had fans cracking jokes almost as fast as Appleby scored.
From the first whistle, the Arrows looked unbeatable. Their Chasers -Justine McNee and Jason Barnett- sliced through Portree’s defense with no effort at all, passing and relentless pressure, stacking goals so quickly that even my Nana was confused about what was going on, and I can tell you now, she’s blind.
By the time Appleby crossed the 300-point mark, laughter was already rippling through the stands. – Reporters were not involved in said laughter. Allegedly.
“Is Portree warming up or is this the match?” one fan shouted.
Even a student from Hogwarts by the name of Perseus Wright sent us an Owl after he heard about the results of the game. He definitely had something to say, “Someone tell them the Arrows aren’t meant to be in practice mode!”
Portree tried to respond with a few strong attacks, but Appleby’s Beaters -Ewan MacLeod and Gareth Davies- shut them down every time, launching Bludgers with pinpoint accuracy and clearing the skies for their Chasers to run wild. One heavy hit sent a Portree Chaser -Leo Bernardi- spinning off course, drawing a chorus of groans, tears, and cheers from the crowd.
Despite a brave effort from Portree’s Keeper, who pulled off several spectacular saves, the gap kept growing.
“Give that Keeper a raise,” a fan joked. “A woman’s trying to hold back a flood with a bucket.” Pride of Portree’s Keeper Amrishaya ‘The Chaos’ Kol does probably deserve a raise.
With the score sitting at 910-600, Appleby’s Seeker finally ended the match with a clean Snitch capture, sealing a statement win and leaving Portree well and truly outclassed.
“No, Frankie, no, no. Francis, that was so not right.”
-Marfa Parma, Pride of Portree’s Seeker, after she couldn’t snatch the snitch.
Tutshill Tornadoes V Wimbourne Wasps – 560 – 560
Well, well, well.
If it isn’t the first draw of the season.
Were we prepared?
No. It took everyone as if they had just been swept by a Niffler’s great ambitions of gold and shiny things.
The game started as any other match, with both teams feeling confident they could -potentially- achieve victory with their own methods.
The Wimbourne Wasps thought they had their team, ready for the worst, and the Tutshill Tornadoes… Well. They thought they had their team.
And they did, at least for the half part of this match.
The Tornadoes’ Chasers decided they were all in, like some sort of poker game that was decided by chance. They had their cards in their hands, and the Chasers knew how to play them. Robert Parsnicky went all in, as he dived in a zig-zag -multiple times- and got the quaffle. Whether he passed it to Luna George, Elliot Nelson, or he threw it to the hoops, did not matter. The end result had the Tutshill Tornadoes with a big advantage.
Fifty-six minutes had passed since the start of the game, and the Tutshill’s Chasers were on a mission. Parsnicky passed the quaffle to George. George went on a Zig-Zag dive, caught the pass, and sent it towards Nelson, who finally scored. This move was repeated several times, which was not truly accepted by the Wimbourne Wasps.
At exactly eighty-two minutes after the start of the game, the Wasps called for time out. According to their Captain, the Tornadoes were holding both Bludgers and Quaffle longer than the rules stipulate, meaning fouls -big fouls- were in order. And this was not the end of the story: they had stipulated that the Tutshill Tornadoes were Blatching -flying with the intent to collide- left and right.
However, after the match stopped for exactly twenty-one -pint fine- minutes, the referees decided the alleged fouls were not classified as such. Everything was ruled out as ‘fair play’, and the match returned to the pace it had been set from the start.
With a score of 560 to 410 for the Tornadoes, the Wasps’ Keeper Kjersti Nathalie thought it wasn’t fair, but did her best to defend her hoops. Fans cheered her with different chants, even tho “Qué será, será… Whatever will be, will be… Nathalie will get this win… Qué será, será…” was the most popular.
And in a way, the most accurate, as Kjersti stood her ground greatly, giving her Seeker Mieke Königsmann the greatest opportunity of them all: with a beautiful dive, her broom went down, as her hand extended to touch -and catch- the unattainable. The Seeker obtained the precious Golden Snitch, and a final score of 560-560, which left everyone bamboozled, as it was the first -and hopefully the only- draw of the season.
What will the future bring to either the Tutshill Tornadoes or the Wimbourne Wasps?
Only time will tell.
“I came in like a wrecking ball… I never hit a Snitch so hard. All I wanted was to win the game… All you ever did was draw me… What are you doin’ Tornadoes’ team? Just let me win… ”
-Mieke Königsmann, Wimbourne Wasp’ Seeker and part time poet. Allegedly.
Wigtown Wanderers V Puddlemere United – 460 – 640
Puddlemere United turned a tight contest into a convincing victory, defeating the Wigtown Wanderers after a strong second-half surge.
The Wanderers started brightly, matching Puddlemere goal for goal in the opening stages and keeping the scoreboard close with quick counterattacks and sharp finishing. Their chasers found gaps early and forced Puddlemere’s Keeper Viljo Suvi into a series of really strange saves. Some said she had to re-invent the Starfish and Stick move, using not only her extremities and broomstick… But also her… Chin. Interesting outcome, to say the least.
But Puddlemere gradually tightened its hold on the match. Their beaters, Nickolas Avery and Grier Madden, began controlling the Bludgers with ruthless efficiency, breaking up the Wanderers’ rhythm and opening space for their chasers to take over. Sora McKellan’s chasing skills showed her true passion, as she scored a fair amount of points during the match -was this her Honeymoon phase kicking after getting married?
Once the pressure was applied, Puddlemere’s passing game started to shine, and the goals followed in quick succession: not only McKellan’s, but also Jones and Massey shone brightly during this game -in quaffle terms.
By the time the score pushed past 450, the gap had begun to stretch. The Wanderers fought hard to stay in the game, with Chasers Garry Ivers and Babs Paternoster doing their best, but at last, fatigue got the best of them. Their keeper Mick Mooney lasted longer than others, but eventually fell into the unexpected Puddlemere victory.
With the score ending 640 – 460, Puddlemere seeker Callum McClark closed the match with a sharp snitch catch, a deserved win after a composed and disciplined performance.
“I knew it. I knew it from the start. I knew this would happen. And it WILL happen again.“
-Algernon Fletch Anonymous Puddlemere United fan, and firm Puddle Believer, to say the least.
Montrose Magpies V Kenmare Kestrels – 430 – 310
If you were wondering if the chants of ‘Here we, here we, here we [expletive] go’ and ‘No one likes you, hey, hey, hey, you’re a [expletive]’ had something in common, the answer -without any doubts- is this match.
Or at least the emotional rollercoaster the die-hard fans had to suffer during this game: one moment their team was doing great, a second after a foul was committed, or the quaffle was lost by some sort of silly mistake. Ultimately, the fans didn’t know whether to cheer for their team, boo them or.. Both? And at the same time?
With two victories and three losses up to this game, the Kenmare Kestrels felt pretty confident about the possible positive outcome over a team that… Well, had only one win and four losses.
Eager for a quick match, the Kestrels’ Chasers decided for an offensive approach, with Abigail Grace Bluetooth on the lead, whilst the Griffin Duo -Twins Billy and Chloe- followed suit. For a moment -around twenty-three minutes of game-, things seemed to look alright for the Irish team. Their movements were on point, their passes were on point, and the fans roared with the first chant mentioned at the beginning of this article.
And then…
Disaster.
What seemed a small disagreement between the Griffin Duo, brought a series of catastrophic consequences for their team. After exactly twenty-four minutes of game, a pass from Chloe towards Billy was miscalculated, ending up in loss of the quaffle, in favour of the Montrose Magpies.
A simple error in the match, anyone could have it…
…if only it hadn’t brought an epidemic of hesitation and double self-guessing.
From then on, quaffles going into hoops and bludgers actually hitting, were truly a miracle. The Montrose Magpies couldn’t believe their luck. Their Chasers, Silver Summerfield and Lestat Vrykulesti sincerely peaked here, -although only for exactly sixteen minutes of game, one must add-, bringing the score up to 190 against the 280 from the Kestrels. However, it still wasn’t enough, and as epidemics go, they also seemed to be infected with the fear of insecurity. The fans really couldn’t believe this.
The next forty minutes of games could be summarised in: Abigail Grace Bluetooth managed to pass two quaffles against the Magpies’ Keeper Myles Burham. Burham also missed another quaffle sent by Chloe Griffin. On the Kestrels’ hoops, Reese Barret managed to keep some and miss a few more; two of them sent by Chaser Cass Audley and three by Silver Summerfield. Was Barret with his head in the clouds? As if this was not enough -for those die-hard fans, of course-, the Golden Snitch appeared and was caught by pure chance.
The Magpies’ Seeker Arethousa Ainsworth was not seeking. In fact, she was flying in a random direction when the Snitch appeared, and she collided against it.
At least she was fast enough to react and catch it, at the very last second possible, finishing the game with a score of 430-310. Well deserved?
Only time will tell.
“No, no… I definitely meant that. Trust.”
-Arethousa Ainsworth, Montrose Magpies’ Seeker?
Caerphilly Catapults V Holyhead Harpies – 390 – 630
Bludgers flying with the speed of light, quaffle passes that made the fans stand up from their seats, and a couple of heated brawls on the pitch: the Caerphilly Catapults were certainly not prepared for what this match had in store for them.
Starting the game with precision, Chaser Gabriella Dudley had only one target in mind: to win over the Harpies and by far. With both of the teams having two wins and three losses, it was a pressing matter to show who would take the lead over the other. Aided by Chasers Elara Quinn and Kasandra Bélanger, Dudley managed to score a few points during the first fifteen minutes of the game, earning an advantage that the Harpies’ Keeper Biddy Ó Ceithearnaigh was not happy to give.
A single stare from Ó Ceithearnaigh to Captain Kayla Murphy, and the Harpies knew what to do next. Just as if some sort of magical restraint had been lifted from Beaters Isla MacDonald and Lillibeth Bennet, the girls went on a rampage. Every time the Catapults’ Chasers got moderately close to any of the Harpies’ Hoops, MacDonald and Bennet were there, bats in hands, bludgers ready to be thrown. Bennet seemed specially invested in these feral acts, with the referees giving the Wild Kat a warning for knocking down the Caerphilly Chasers’ Quinn and Dudley too often. Luckily for Bennet, it was just a warning, and no sparks were needed -this time.
With Bennet toning it down -enough- to not be called out anymore, the Catapults managed to score a few more times, and pressured their own Beaters to go on the offense. Radek Mercer and Jayme Pearce did their best to slow the Harpies’ Chasers, but to stop Jolene Parris, Siobhan O’Connor and Fiona Campbell when in pursuit of a quaffle, more actions were definitely needed -as Keeper Hestia Withka probably can confirm.
After a hundred-eighty minutes of game, -and much sweat from the Catapults-, the scores were at 390 to 480 for the team from Holyhead. The Harpies had been relentless, and with a start of the season as they had, their reasons were strong and firm to win this game. A golden glint appeared in the stadium, and both Seekers flew with determination. It seemed as if Caerphilly’s very own Toutorix Tracy was on the lead, but just when his fingers were -allegedly- close enough to the Snitch, a very well aimed bludger by Bennet threw him away from his trajectory.
The rest was history, as Captain and Seeker Kayla Murphy flew in a zig-zag and captured the precious Golden victory, with a final score of 390-630 for her team, whilst the fans roared on the grades.
Celebrations that ended up in a bit more heated argument between players, as the referees were off, and both Catapults Beaters demanded explanations from the Holyhead ones -nothing that MacDonald or Bennet couldn’t handle with their own bats and words. Ultimately, it was the Harpies’ Captain Kayla Murphy who terminated the fight, not wanting to risk her team’s latest conquest. No sanctions were handled as it was officially out of the pitch.
“Nuh-uh, sister.”
-Kayla Murphy, Holyhead Harpies’ Captain-Seeker, and Feral Arts Disciple.