Brooms, quaffles, bludgers, golden snitches, players giving their everything and fans shouting from the bottom of their lungs -amplifying charm included. The number one wizarding sport we all thrill for is here to make you jump on your broom. Calista Earnshaw and Edward Callbeck will bring you this week’s coverage.
Without much further ado, let’s jump right into the results!
Chudley Cannons v Montrose Magpies – 910 – 630
The Chudley Cannons reminded everyone why matches involving them are never quiet, rolling past the Montrose Magpies in a thunderous victory that felt less like a game and more like a prolonged scoring exhibition.
From the opening whistle, the Cannons played with one setting: attack. Their Chasers completely dictated the pace, with Consus Król acting as the engine of the offense, controlling possession and forcing the Magpies to defend on the back foot constantly. His ability to slow the game just long enough to draw defenders in, then release the Quaffle at the perfect moment, kept the Magpies lost for words -And points.
Alongside him, Casmimir Utkin was unstoppable. Every time the Magpies thought they had figured out a game play, Utkin was there to rip the momentum straight back out of their hands. Meanwhile, Clarity Terrel tied everything together; floating between lanes, intercepting passes, and turning broken plays into clean scoring opportunities. The trio were certainly THE match.
Despite everything, the Scottish team did their best to stay in the fight, answering with scoring runs of their own and showing flashes of sharp coordination through midfield. For every Cannons’ surge, the Magpies managed a response -but it never quite lasted long enough to make a difference.
Bludgers flew constantly as both Beaters’ pairs battled for control, though the Cannons’ physical approach -mostly from Kathi Cassidy- gave them the edge. Several of the Magpies’ attacks were cut short mid-flight, allowing the team from Chudley to reset and pile on even more points.
As the score climbed past 700, the outcome became inevitable, and the Magpies fans’ tears began to flow. However, the team from Montrose continued to push, refusing to roll over or to lose -once again- against the English. Unfortunately, the gap was simply too wide to close. With the Cannons sitting comfortably on points, their Seeker Callum Thorne finally spotted the Snitch and ended the match with a clean catch, sealing a decisive win, 910-630.
A commanding performance from the Cannons -loud, aggressive, and unapologetically offensive- while Montrose was left chasing a scoreboard that never stopped moving.
“Alrite… Who is it? Which one of yer [expletive] is cursin’ my team again?”
-Anonymous Montrose Magpies fan.
Puddlemere United v Falmouth Falcons – 570 – 580
There was never more than a breath between Puddlemere United and the Falmouth Falcons in a match that stayed balanced from the opening whistle right up until the very end, with the Falcons edging out a razor thin victory. Fascinating, really. Giving they were going against… Puddlemere.
Both sides traded goals almost immediately, answering each other score for score in a relentless back and forth. Every small lead was wiped away within minutes, keeping the crowd locked in and the tension sky high. Neither team could afford a mistake and neither side gave one easily.
Puddlemere looked composed and disciplined, building patient attacks and forcing Falmouth to work for every single point. Chasers Sora McKellan and Ariadne Massey worked hard alongside Jack Jones, catching, stealing and passing the Quaffle to not fall behind.
The Falcons, meanwhile, relied on speed and sharp transitions, capitalizing quickly whenever a gap appeared. Their Beaters Rhys Morgan and Lachlan Stewart -the real Lachlan Stewart- made sure to balance offense and defense in order to remind Puddlemere their place on the leaderboard. The scoreboard ticked upward evenly, refusing to favor either team for the first hour of the game.
As the match stretched on, fatigue began to show, but the intensity never dipped. In fact, perhaps it was fatigue that made the Falcons overconfident and lose their sights.
Just like a smooth spell being cast, United’s Chasers seemed to suddenly swift their mindset and what before was just a simple means to survive, now it was a new dynamic to attempt a win. McKellan and Massey found a weakness in the Falcons’ Chaser Lucius Paddon, allowing them to steal the Quaffle more often, passing it to Jones who scored once. And twice. And a few more times putting Puddlemere on… Yes, you’ve guessed it right. The LEAD.
With the scores tilting the balance towards United 570-430, both teams knew the Snitch could still change and decide everything. Puddlemere pushed desperately to create breathing room, while the Falcons hunted for the one moment that could end it.
That moment finally came when the one and only Dot Townsend entered in action. The Falmouth’s Seeker spotted the golden hue from a mile apart, made the decisive catch, and ended the match in an instant, with a final -and really close- score of 580-570 for her team.
A brutal result for Puddlemere -after such a disciplined showing-, and a narrow hard earned victory for the Falcons in one of the tightest contests of the season.
Unrelated topic, did we just spot a certain Mr Algernon Fletch flee the Quidditch Stadium in a rush? Couldn’t be… Right?
“See that very small and quick gold thing that flies around…? You are supposed to catch it…”
-Dot Townsend, Falmouth Falcons’ Seeker, exchanging words with United’s Callum McClarken.
Wigtown Wanderers v Appleby Arrows – 900 – 760
It seems like the Wigtown Wanderers are on a roll, as the three last matches have been an absolute show-off of victories for the Scottish team.
For the Appleby Arrows, however… The story is exactly the opposite, with three losses in the previous three games.
Have the Arrows been hanging out with the Bats lately? One might wonder…
The game started as so many others do: teams go out on the cold pitch, teams threaten each other with stares, referees give their daily reminder to ‘keep it clean’, teams pretend not to hear, teams go on their brooms, the Snitch is released, and everybody is out for themselves.
As soon as the Quaffle got out, Wigtown Wanderers’ Chaser Garry Ivers took possession of it, scoring the first ten points of the game -as he should, leading by example like a good Captain, right? Chasers Babs Paternoster and Shay Clark proved useful, as they followed their Captain’s lead and kept the Wanderers at a good scoring pace.
However, that didn’t mean the Arrows were going to let them fly past freely. Whilst their Keeper Hardy Barnes managed to block a few -and yell obscenities at the ones he couldn’t block-, the Chasers from the English team managed to recollect themselves and… Well, do their jobs.
As the cold froze some fans’ noses, Chasers Scotty Moore and Justine McNee began to keep up with the Wanderers’ pace, and as the match reached the ninety minutes mark, the scores were almost balanced, with 520 to 540 for their team.
Of course, the Arrows’ Chasers didn’t work alone. When Jenson Barnett obtained the lead for his team, 50% of his glory was certainly due to the violent work of Ewan MacLeod and Gareth Davies. Well… Mostly Davies’, really. So much, he was grounded by the referees for five minutes straight for excessive beating -this made the Wanderers fans extremely happy.
With Davies grounded, the Scottish team responded as they should. They took advantage of the six players team, and their own Beaters -Caden Lindon and Aiden ‘Death Swing’ Parkin- made sure to balance the damage.
A hundred and fifty minutes had passed from the start of the game, and despite the good fight from both sides, the scores were still in favour of the Arrows, 750-760 for them.
That is until a glimpse of gold appeared in the middle of the pitch, and both Seekers flew down, scavenging like a Puffskein in search of food.
But just as the previous last three games, the story ended well just for one of the Seekers: Wigtown’s Evie Proudfoot gracefully double looped with her broom, extended her hand and reached glory, with a final score of 900-760 for her team.
“Grounded, pfft… What are we? Five year olds?”
-Gareth Davies, Appleby Arrows’ Beater and a full adult.
Banchory Bangers v Tutshill Tornadoes – 240 – 420
The Tutshill Tornadoes wasted absolutely no time in dismantling the Banchory Bangers, wrapping up a shockingly short match with a victory that left half the crowd still looking for their seats.
From the opening whistle, the Tornadoes played like they had somewhere else to be. Their Chasers, Robert Parsnicky and Luna George, were relentless, cutting out of vision, firing off rapid exchanges, and scoring in ruthless bursts. Every time the Quaffle left their hands, it felt inevitable that it was ending up through the Bangers’ hoops.
The Bangers did manage to scrape together some points, but every small success was immediately answered and then aggressively corrected by the Tornadoes. One fan summed it up best: “Did that start five minutes ago, or did I black out?”
To their credit, Banchory’s Beaters Jotham Patton and Anah Trengove worked overtime trying to slow the Tornadoes down. Bludgers flew, pressure mounted, and there were moments where it looked like they might disrupt Tutshill’s rhythm, but Parsnicky, Nelson and George simply kept moving, slipping past hits and resetting faster than the Bangers could react.
Before anyone could fully process the scoreline, Tornadoes’ Seeker Lacey Bolton spotted the Snitch, grabbed it cleanly, and ended the match just as the announcer was warming up.
Final score: 420–240 for the team from Tutshill.
Efficient. Ruthless. Over before the Butterbeers went flat. The only thing that was maybe longer was the time it took to make an article on this match, specifically.
The Tornadoes were off the pitch almost as fast as they’d arrived, leaving the Bangers to wonder what exactly just happened.
“Not gonna lie… I wasn’t there mentally… Or even physically. Didn’t I just mount my broom?”
-Bryson McConnell, Banchory Bangers’ Seeker. Or something like that.
Kenmare Kestrels v Holyhead Harpies – 840 – 920
After last round’s match, everybody wondered whether the Holyhead Harpies would push their next opponent’s limits again.
Would they perhaps fall for that psychological game of the mouse and the cat?
Or would they… Just play?
As the fans occupied the seats of the Ellis Moor Quidditch Stadium, the Kenmare Kestrels prepared themselves physically and mentally. Although there is no damaging evidence -allegedly-, it wouldn’t be surprising if all of their players looked at themselves in the mirror and repeated after themselves pre-game: ‘The harpies are not real harpies. They cannot hurt me if I do not let them do it.’
The start of the match launched with the Snitch being released and instantly gone; in fact, some of the players were still blinking for the first time when the Golden prize disappeared.
Others, like the Holyhead Harpies’ Chasers, knew it was time to take advantage of the situation. With Jolene Parris on the lead, Siobhan O’Connor and Fiona Capmbell decided this was their moment; taking possession of the Quaffle and becoming the mean girls that wouldn’t let the Kestrels’ Chasers even look at it.
On the Kenmare Kestrel’s side, the Chasers were not so happy with the version of the Harpies they had to deal with, almost calling for a referee to snitch on. Despite everything, the Griffin Duo and Abigail Grace Bluetooth did their best to match the all-girls’ team energy, and after a gargantuan effort, they managed to keep the scores at only a hundred and fifty points away.
Unfortunately, the distance would only grow further.
Adding the Harpies’ Beaters to the equation, can not always result in fun for certain teams. Even with their own Beaters -predominantly Isla MacCrae- on the case, the Harpies’ bludgers seemed to always be one step ahead. Lillibeth Bennet and Isla MacDonald -indeed, the other MacIsla- never play around when it comes to their bats: precision and violence is the name of their own particular game.
Each time any of the Kestrels’ Chaser even attempted to go for a steal or to try and score, they’d get relentlessly punished for even trying. So much, that MacDonald got called out a few times by the referees, and whilst there were no Green Sparks, she still got grounded for five minutes of game
Five minutes that would have changed the results of this game if the Kestrels were not so far behind. With almost two hours into the match and a score of 920-690 for the Harpies, the Golden Snitch finally decided to make an appearance.
Both Seekers flew down, Holyhead’s Kayla Murphy performing an elegant Spiral Dive that was meant more to show-off rather than catch, as history will tell. Because thanks to this move, Kenmare’s Hall Mynatt saw the Golden light.
The light, and the end to the excruciating pain his team’s Keeper Reese Barret was suffering, as the Harpies kept scoring on him -as well as his own teammate Billy Griffin, as he sent once the Quaffle against the Kestrels’ hoops by alleged mistake.
With a powerful semi loop dive, the Kenmare Kestrels’ seeker pursued the Snitch until he secured the catch and the end of the match.
Final result? An 840-920 victory for the opposite team, the Holyhead Harpies.
“Hippity hoppity, this Quaffle is now my property.“
-Jolene Parris, Holyhead Harpies’ Chaser and permanent member of the Mean Girls Club.
Wimborne Wasps v Ballycastle Bats – 590 – 790
A miracle.
A Wizarding Quidditch Miracle has happened.
The Ballycastle Bats have won their third match -out of nine, so far- of the season.
Bookies must be either extremely happy or exceptionally busy finding out that one delusional fan who bet all of their future on their favourite team and… Against all odds, won.
As far as the ‘miracle’ itself, it started when everyone less expected it.
With a good start for the Wasps, almost the whole Quidditch Stadium shared one thought ‘they’ll win easily. It is the Bats, the 2033 Bats, their Seeker probably can’t differentiate a Snitch from a Bludger’.
As the Bats’ Keeper Marsha Lyon did her best, the Wasps’ Chasers did their worst -for the opposite team. Layne Peacock flew with the confidence of a Hungarian Horntail, as he chased after the Quaffle, acquired it, and sent it through the Bats’ hoops, again, and again… And again.
His co-chasers Robyn McKowen and Tryphena Beetlegleam followed up with similar moves and outcomes, and soon enough -or really, after ninety minutes of game-, the scores reached 410-250 for their team.
The fans at the stands were either euphoric -on the yellow and black side- or already crying and remembering ‘the better times’ -on the scarlet and black side. Surely there was no way out from the misery pit.
Exactly an hour and forty-seven minutes from the release of the snitch, something happened that changed the course of the game.
A younger Wasps’ fan was about to eat one of the infamous Chocolate Frogs, wondering what Card would he get. As soon as he opened the box, the Chocolate Frog did as they usually do: jumped off for freedom, leaving the younger wizard behind, completely bamboozled, but not because of the card he had gotten, but because of what was just about to happen…
Wimbourne Wasps’ Beater Aoife Murphy was on the lookout for bludgers when something chocolatey and jumpy got right into her face. With her vision impaired, her broom went down, and her with it, touching grass in exactly fifteen seconds and a half. Healers were called to the scene, and whilst her life was not at risk, her time at the game was halted.
Of course, the match wasn’t going to stop for a mere Chocolate Frog, so as Murphy was getting patched up -with promises of being back on her broom as soon as possible-, her team was one player down.
This gave the Bats an advantage. An advantage they didn’t deserve, but an advantage they needed. And oh, how much they needed it.
As if it was some sort of mechanical response, their Chasers Tobin Townsend and Avonlea Fox went for the Quaffle as if their life depended on it. Meanwhile, Deirdre Piper performed quadruple loops in order to steal, pass and score.
Beaters Ada Ivers and Blaise Bennett -with two T’s- swung their bats and kept the -one- Wasps’ Beater at bay, whilst defending a team that everyone thought was about to crumble.
Fifteen minutes it was all it took.
Fifteen minutes to fix Murphy, and to turn the scores upside down. Or at least keep it at sort of the same level. When the Wasps’ Beater went back into the game, her team was only winning 560-550.
Even when both teams were fully up and playing, the Bats kept that fire that a simple Chocolate Frog had brought up in them. Soon enough, the scores flipped, and the Northern Irish team was on the lead, 640-590.
The fans on the grades wondered: are we dreaming?
However, what was hard to believe, was that their Seeker Avery Whittle was still able to play this game -with a pending Hearing and a meeting with the DMGS-, and even harder that the same player that got a Red Sparks on their previous game, finally caught the snitch.
No tricks.
No magic.
Perhaps pure luck, or a miracle?
Whatever the case, Ballycastle Bats won their third game of the season, with a final score of 790-590.
“I swear… I can still feel the croakoa in my… CROAK… face…”
-Aoife Murphy, Wimbourne Wasps’ Beater and unwilling croak-bearer.
Pride of Portree v Caerphilly Catapults – 880 – 910
Caerphilly reminded everyone why they should never miss one of their games, ending the match with Pride of Portree with a nail-biting victory.
Portree’s Chasers came out fearless. Leo Bernardi, living up to his “Fianchetto” nickname, peppered the hoops from impossible angles, forcing Caerphilly’s Keeper Hestia Withka to defend shots that barely seemed legal by geometry alone. Noah Hawtrey kept the tempo high, cutting through midfield and stealing the Quaffle every chance he got. Valentine Weekes, on the other hand, did exactly what he always does: he held the entire offense together like structural support disguised as a person -talk about experience.
But Caerphily just looked at them like ‘new Owl, who diz?’
Leading the charge was Gabriella Dudley, who clearly treated Portree like a personal rival, rather than an opponent. Every goal came from intent. Every drive felt like a deliberate attempt against Portree’s Keeper Amrishaya Kol’s life hoops.
Alongside Dudley, Elara Quinn was terrifyingly precise; her throws packed so much power that a fan swears that a shot of hers that hit the rim, left a quaffle-shaped dent on the side. Last, -but not least-, Kasandra Bélanger rounded out the game with relentless unforgiving pressure, cleaning up the rebounds and keeping Portree under pressure.
The scoreboard climbed at a ridiculous pace. Whenever Portree surged ahead, Caerphilly said, ‘Sit down, little bro bro’. No lead lasted long enough to feel safe, and by the time both teams crossed 700 points, the pitch felt one mistake away from chaos.
Portree’s chasers kept firing, refusing to slow down, and for a moment, it looked like momentum might carry the game to victory for them. They had finally moved ahead, 880 to 760, and everybody was almost sure that victory would be theirs. That was until the Catapults’ Seeker, Toutorix Tracy finally woke up and spotted the snitch, flying towards it with the speed of lightning and ending the conflict with a score of 910-880 for his team.
If anyone ever wondered how to break a heart with a Snitch, Portree’s fans can talk about this experience first hand.
“I’m not saying he cheated, but I’d like to see the B.A.R. [Broom Assistant Referee] go and check if Tracy’s broom was legal… That thing was… Fast.”
-Marfa Parma, Pride of Portree’s Seeker and Part-Time Private Investigator.