Brooms, quaffles, bludgers, golden snitches, players giving their everything and fans shouting from the bottom of their lungs -amplifying charm included. The number one wizarding sport we all thrill for is here to make you jump on your broom. Calista Earnshaw and Edward Callbeck will bring you this week’s coverage with the special collaboration of Matthew Sparrowcaw in this edition.
Without much further ado, let’s jump right into the results!
Caerphilly Catapults V Banchory Bangers – 800 – 530
Another loss for the Bangers and another win for the Catapults.
This only reaffirms the Catapults’ place in the midfield, whilst the Bangers… Well, they moved down to the mid-bottom of the league.
It was a lovely day for a match, and as fans took their seats at the grades of the Exmoor Quidditch Stadium, the sun was gracing everyone with its presence.
Indeed, at the start of February. No rain. And not magically altered.
British weather can be impressive sometimes.
With a slow pace ahead, the Banchory Bangers thought their best strategy was to do something unexpected. And that was to try and win the game -no doubt.
Their Chasers flew with decision; Ulysses Ellington looked even regal as he stole quaffles, passing them onto Doirend Rayne, who scored a few good goals to their fans’ delight. As per Josias Saylor… It is said that all the female -and not only female- fans were quite absorbed in each of his movements. Even when he lost the quaffle or didn’t score, things like ‘Oh, he’ll get it right next time’ or ‘Listen, at least he still has his face’, could be heard around the grades.
Despite the Bangers’ efforts, the Catapults were not going to give the game away easily. Or at all. Keeper Hestia Withka fended Bangers with banging resonance as she kept most of the quaffles away from her hoops. Or at least a great portion from them.
And after an hour and twenty-six minutes of game, the scores sat at 650 to 530 for her team.
A glint of gold was seen in the air, and the Bangers’ Seeker Bryson McConnell flew like his life depended on it. A double loop, a triple zig-zag and a bludger to his face. Caerphilly’s Beater Jayme Pearce had given the perfect opportunity to his own team’s Seeker to achieve victory.
And Toutorix Tracy did not hesitate.
He might flinch before Silencing Charms. But in front of the Golden Snitch? He’s the one to be feared. A smooth loop and the end of the match was in his hand; a final score of 800-530 for his team, and a sweet victory that brought the Catapults closer to the top-midfield.
“Aye, Ah ken, a bludger isnae a snitch.”
-Bryson McConnell, Banchory Bangers’ Seeker who knows how to differentiate things.
Appleby Arrows V Puddlemere United – 530 – 580
Puddlemere United once again walks away with another win, but only after turning a controlled match into a near disaster, largely thanks to their own beater.
For most of this game, United looked sharp, ready to rock and roll. Their Chasers kept the pressure on the Arrows, steadily building a lead while their defense held like a steel gate. Much of that control came from Beater Grier Madden, who was everywhere at once, smashing Bludgers -and heads, allegedly- with brutal accuracy; making life miserable for Appleby’s Chasers.
Unfortunately, Madden may have been having a little too much fun.
Midway through the match, a particularly aggressive hit, followed by another and then another and… Yup that’s right. Another -finally earned him a Green Spark that got him out of the pitch for fifteen minutes. The resulting foul-handed the Appleby Arrows a crucial opportunity, and they took full advantage of it, closing the gap and swinging momentum sharply back in their favor.
The tension could be felt shift instantly.
‘That’s not beating’, one fan muttered. ‘That’s a vendetta’.
The Arrows’ Chasers suddenly found space and confidence as Puddlemere scrambled to regain control with one less Beater. What had been a comfortable lead shrank fast with Justine McNee and Jenson Barnett scoring like there was no tomorrow. For a moment, it looked like Madden’s over-excited play might have just cost Puddlemere the game.
Then enters United’s seeker -dramatic sound effects added here.
With the score tightening and the Arrows threatening to overtake them, Callum McClarken spotted the snitch darting low across the pitch. Wasting no time and sparing his beater from a lifetime of shunning, McClarken ended the match with one swift movement, Snitch in hand, and a final score of 530-580 for his team.
Madden gets to live another day.
And so does a certain die-hard Puddlemere United fan too.
Allegedly.
“I feel gobsmacked, knackered and chuffed all at the same time.”
-Callum McClarken, Puddlemere United’ Seeker and Saviour of the Match.
Tutshill Tornadoes V Kenmare Kestrels – 790 – 600
The Tornadoes and Kestrels fought a hard fight in their match this week in a real knock-down-drag-out match. Both teams seemed determined to claw their way up from the bottom of this season’s roster, but of course only one would manage it. With the sting of recent defeat at the hands of the Holyhead Harpies, the Tornadoes seemed the most motivated through their game against the Kestrels. They started off strong, taking an early 50 points lead that remained within 20-30 points of advantage throughout the rest of the match.
Despite this consistent performance from the Tornadoes, Abigail Bluetooth of the Kestrels put up yet another career performance to keep her team within range for a Snitch win. Many Quidditch commentators from around the country have often wondered whether this team was holding her back, and the rumblings of that notion only grew louder after this match, leading to rumors of drama amongst the team after the Kestrels’ loss. Yet in the game itself, they remained professional and cohesive; but it alas was not enough. Despite the tooth and nail effort, the Tornadoes came in like a whirlwind and swept up the game by a sound and consistent offensive push.
The most exciting part of the game came when the Seekers took off for their final chase. Tensions were high, apparently, as there seemed to be some jostling in the air when they got close, but with a deft maneuver that looked almost as if the Tornadoes Seeker left their broom… it was snatched from the air by the self-same Seeker.
When asked about that final moment, Lacey Bolton said,
“I knew that if I didn’t do something crazy, the Kestrels would win. I think we could all feel the momentum shifting from us to them near the end of the match, and I had to make sure to end it.”
“This win makes our last game against the Harpies a little bit easier to bear. A little bit…”
-Robert Parsnicky, Chaser for the Tutshill Tornadoes.
Ballycastle Bats V Wigtown Wanderers – 650 – 920
To say that this is not Ballycastle Bats’ season it is an understatement.
With yet another loss, the Irish team sits uncomfortably at the very bottom of the league… And as we are past the mid-season, perhaps only a miracle -hopefully no curses- will get them back on track.
Or at least higher from the bottom.
Despite their low morale, Ballycastle hasn’t given up just yet. Their chasers continue with their efforts, and during this match they showed there is still some fight in them, same as their beaters.
With the Wanderers starting strong, there was no doubt that the Bats would need to level up their strategy, or at least do something about the game.
Wigtown’s Chasers Shay Clark and Babs Paternoster pulled up their weight under the meticulous lead and strategy from their Captain Garry Ivers, and after thirty-three minutes of game, the three chasers had put the scores up to 310-240 for their team. Their Keeper Mick Mooney added to their defense, as he seemed more than ready to break fingers, hands, arms and probably whole bodies from anyone who dared to score ‘too much’.
As the match advanced, and the difference between scores weren’t massive, the Bats probably thought not all hope was lost, as their Beaters Ada Ivers and Blaise Bennett -with two T’s- started to show they were not… Just a pretty face.
With an impressive Dopplebeater Defence, Ivers and Bennett saved their team from an early Golden Snitch catch, as the bludger they both hit, directly flew towards the Wanderers’ Seeker Evie Proudfoot seconds before she could seize the capture.
This, in theory, would have given their own seeker the right amount of advantage to close a game that could end with them as victors.
Only he didn’t.
On the day his team faced the Wigtown Wanderers, Avery Whittle chose violence. Moved -allegedly- by the despair of his team touching rock bottom, Whittle decided to use his wand for his advantage. As Proudfoot was going down after being hit by Ivers and Bennett’s bludger, Whittle moved quickly and sent a silent Full-body bind curse to keep her down longer. For a moment, it looked as though he might have gotten away with it, but the Wanderers’ silent beater Cade Lindon called for a referee as he witnessed the events.
At ninety-two minutes of game, the match was paused with a score of 640-700 for the team from Wigtown. Red sparks were announced then by the referees, and Whittle was taken out of the game.
Unfortunately for the Bats, their reserve Seeker was not available and they were granted to use one of their Beaters to seek. Ada Ivers, with her Captain role, stepped in forward in a situation that was already -probably- lost.
As the game resumed and Evie Proudfoot was ‘un-cursed’, the pace was not the same anymore. It only took twenty more minutes for Proudfoot to finish the match, catching the Golden Snitch and providing victory for her team with a final score of 650-920.
A clean game for the Wanderers that puts them at the second spot in the league, and a regretful one for the Bats that… Means no change for them.
Will they finally change their Seeker and let Avery Whittle go?
Only time will tell.
“No, seriously. Whittle is delulu, ya feel me? Like why are we even still keeping up with his [expletive]? Does he have powerful parents or something? Money? Like, come on, he’s a [expletive].”
-Anonymous Ballycastle Bats angry fan.
Falmouth Falcons V Chudley Cannons – 890 – 770
It was a match that the whole league had been waiting for: The Underdog and the Accursed. Or so many had taken to calling the two unlikely leads of this season.
So far this season the Cannons have proven that their long suffered curse of being the brown in the toilet bowl of Quidditch has broken, leading many to almost religiously chant that they were destined to be the winners this season! Yet they were to face the Falcons; a team which had proven capable to punch far beyond its weight through sheer tenacity and teamwork.
The match began as many do, with the mere trading back and forth of the score with no real apparent advantage towards either team. The Beaters of both teams showed how far they had come, even during the season, with their training: Remaining behind assigned Chasers and ensuring to target opponents when an opening showed; it was a methodical and textbook start to the game, as if both teams were testing each other on the basics of Quidditch play. Kathi Cassidy, Beater for the Chudley Cannons said,
“It rather started off like a practice match, hesitant and testing and all that, but I could feel that none of us really knew what to expect from the other team.”
But it wasn’t long before someone broke the ice. Clarity Terrell, veteran Chaser for the Chudley Cannons began rapidly chunking up the score for her team; little by little it seemed like she was getting better as the game went on, until even her own Beaters had difficulty keeping up with the storm she was becoming. The match pulled away to a Cannon’s lead of 480 to 320, leading many to believe that the Cannons would be the ones to strike the head of the Falcons and put them in their place. Yet the Falcons once again showed their underdog spirit when, after a Sparks grounded play for a short time, they rallied and began focusing their efforts on a tighter and coordinated defense. The game grinded on for another hour until the Falcons had almost caught up by Quaffle scoring alone.
It was at that moment that the Seekers both seemed to dart from their positions and give chase to a rather squirrely Snitch. It had been eluding these two talented Seekers for a long time, but it didn’t look like it would be lost this time. Much like the rest of the game, the Seeker for the Chudley Cannons seemed to have the edge in this hunt over the Falcons, but as has become characteristic for the underdog team, expert teamwork on the part of the Seeker and Beaters lead to a Bludger striking Callum Thorne at the last moment. The Falmouth Falcons had won!
“It really was a close match. Down to the wire. No smack talk from me, today; our two teams have defied all the odds, and it was glorious to face off.“
-Dot Townsend, Seeker for the Falmouth Falcons.
Montrose Magpies V Pride of Portree – 320 – 780
Well, well, well, what a game to witness, folks. Even a blind man could see that Portree didn’t just beat the Magpies; they turned the pitch into a full-blown crime scene, storming a ridiculous 780-320 victory in a match that was essentially a Chasers’ Masterclass with spectators.
From the opening whistle, Portree’s chasers made it very clear they were not here to do the Hokey Kokey. Leo Benardi, Noah Hawtrey, and Valentine Weekes tore through Montrose’s defense like a child through a late-night dessert. Fast checkings, no-look passes, and goals stacked so quickly, that for some, whiplash was guaranteed.
Montrose tried to answer back, but every response was immediately shut down by another Portree scoring run. At one point, a fan was overheard saying, “I drank some of my firewhiskey and missed three goals, either I’m drunk or the Magpies [expletive]”.
Things only got worse for the team from Montrose when a desperate defensive grab -more like one of their chasers begging Valentine Weekes to let them have the quaffle- resulted in a penalty shot for Portree. Bernardi stepped up, one moment at the center, and in the next moment he was on the right side, already sinking it in before anyone even had a chance to catch their breath. Weekes followed moments later with another clean finish -just to make sure the new blood doesn’t get all the glory. Despite the scoreline, the Magpies’ Keeper Myles Burnham put in a heroic effort, pulling off saves that one would not think possible. Unfortunately, when the enemy are the Portree Chasers, not even Merlin can offer protection.
Meanwhile, Portree’s Seeker Marfa Parma, looked like she was on vacation or thinking about her next luxury cruise. However, as if it were a sixth sense, right when the score finally hit 630-320, Parma spotted the snitch and ended the slaughter, with a sharp, decisive catch.
A ruthless, borderline unfair display from Pride of Portree -powered by relentless chasers or demons as the Montrose Magpies are now calling them.
Honestly, they might have PTSD after this game. Montrose will probably want to forget this one.
Portree fans……absolutely will not.
“Aye, the youngblood might be alrite, but he still has a long way tae put up with me.”
-Valentine Weekes, Pride of Portree’s VETERAN Chaser.
Holyhead Harpies V Wimbourne Wasps – 840 – 420
Whilst Wasps might sting, Harpies… Well, Harpies can do a fair amount of damage, as it was proven by their latest encounter with the team from Wimbourne.
A damage that took so long, that at the end of the match the referees were happy to finally go home.
The game was set to start on Wednesday 9th of February of 2033 at 11:00AM, at the Ilkley Moor Quidditch Stadium, where fans from both teams and locals were excited to see the action. Truth be told, with the Harpies ahead, the expectations were low for the Wasps.
And yet, no one knows until things happen -unless they are a seer.
With both teams on the pitch when the clock struck the eleventh hour, anthems were played, formations were shown -no reserves so far in either team-, and referees made sure all players -specially those belonging to the Harpies- knew they should keep their head in the game and not in unexpected brawls.
At exactly 11:30AM, the Golden Snitch was released and the game was ready to start.
The Wasps seemed to start with the right foot on. Chasers Robyn McKowen and Tryphena Beetlegleam seemed to be on the lead. Both women knew what they were doing, and with tactical passes and impressive steals they managed to score the first thirty points of the match. Their actions seemed so easy and free of retaliation that fans were left wondering if the Harpies were… Letting them have a slight advantage?
Third chaser Layne Peacock put his weight in as well, as he managed to add to the advantage on the score with a couple of goals more.
Things certainly looked strange, and as the clock struck 13:30, the score remained at 100-0 for the Wasps. It seemed as if now not all the goals were going through the Harpies’ hoops, but those that were it seemed as if Keeper Biddy Ó Ceithearnaigh were letting them just happen.
The fans seemed in complete agony. Cries like ‘What are they doing?’ or ‘Come on, my two year old can defend better!’ and ‘That’s it, I want a refund!!’ could be heard amongst the grades. In fact, as the third hour of the game struck, a fair amount of fans were seen leaving the Ilkley Moor Stadium, wondering where did they go wrong in their lives.
Four hours of game had gone now, and the score sat at 200-0 for the Wasps. And yet, every time the Golden Snitch made an appearance and the Wasps’ Seeker Mieke Königsmann made even an attempt to go for it, the Harpies’ Beaters were there first, to crush her hopes and dreams. Whatever the Harpies’ strategy was, it bamboozled even the press. Everyone was wondering what was happening, and if said strategy could be considered as cheating.
It couldn’t.
After all, they were playing the game, defending when necessary, and even sending some quaffles to the Wasps’ hoops here and there that -strangely enough- never went through. Those die hard fans -or the hopeful delusional ones- that still remained in the stadium could see how the Wasps -despite winning- were beginning to show signs of tiredness. Coincidence?
Probably not.
It was 18:32, on the Wednesday 9th of February of 2033 when the Harpies scored their first ten points. A swift Body Blow from Siobhan O’Connor and Jolene Parris forced the Wasps’ chaser Layne Peacock to give up the quaffle. With the quaffle up for grabs, third chaser Fiona Campbell flew up, down, and strategically scored on an almost asleep Wasps’ Keeper Kjersti Nathalie.
From then on, it didn’t stop. The next two to three hours it was a festival of goals being scored. Whether it was O’Connor, Parris or Campbell, the girls seemed to be way more energised than the Wasps’ chasers. With 840 to 270 for the Harpies after almost twelve hours of game, everyone was questioning their own sanity.
Wondering why, how, where and who they were.
A golden glimpse appeared at 23:04. Somehow it took Mieke Königsmann a moment to realise the snitch was there, but she did. She flew for it, did a double loop and caught the Golden prize to save at least the Wimbourne Wasps’ pride, finishing the game with a final score of 840-420 for the Harpies.
This time neither Lillibeth Bennet nor Isla MacDonald stopped her. They were done playing the cat and mouse game.
No more physical or psychological damage.
For now.
“Ha, ha. Sike!”
-Kayla Murphy, Holyhead Harpies’ Captain, Seeker and… Evil Mastermind Strategist?