Quaffles & Bludgers – MATCHWEEKS 9 & 10

Brooms, quaffles, bludgers, golden snitches, players giving their everything and fans shouting from the bottom of their lungs -amplifying charm included. After a year of hiatus, Quidditch has finally returned! The number one wizarding sport we all thrill for. 

Calista Earnshaw and Edward Callbeck will bring you this week’s coverage, filled with the excitement and unexpected comebacks that will ultimately shape the scoreboard for this 2032-2033 season. 

This round makes up the last games before Christmas, but we’ll be back for the special match on Boxing Day. 
For now, grab a copy and enjoy! 


Caerphilly Catapults V Tutshill Tornadoes – 740 – 520  
And there we have it, folks. 

December is here, and with it, Father Christmas’ long list of naughty or nice. Unfortunately for the Caerphilly Catapults and the Tutshill Tornadoes, Father Christmas has not decided quite yet whether to throw them into the ‘nice’ category or not, so he has left both with two wins and three losses so far -truly, like the majority of the teams in the British & Irish League up to this date. 

One thing is for sure, even if the move is an attempt from Father Christmas to remain neutral as Switzerland during the Muggle World War II, or pure based effort from the Catapults, it has certainly favoured the Welsh team. 

With chasers Gabriella Dudley and Kasandra Bélanger deciding -all of the sudden- that this was their season, the Catapults catapulted themselves into the big points with the ease of a new flying broom. After only forty minutes of game, Caerphilly was on the lead, 430-110 for their team. 

The mindset from the other team was not at its best, as their chasers seemed to not be able to go past the Caerphilly’s Keeper Hestia Withka -really strong performance from the daughter of the legendary Ligeia Withka-, and their beaters couldn’t manage to send bludgers and hit their targets. Time was now of essence, as the Tutshill Tornadoes’ morale began to sink and their Keeper Lexie Cullen failed to… Well, keep. She definitely tried, and on a scale one to ten, she was a ten minus nine and a half. Sometimes quaffles will quaffle, and the keeper won’t have but a choice to… Let it go, let it go, turn away and slam the door. Especially when the fans in the stands begin to chant whilst doing ‘a wave’, after three defeats in a row: 

‘One, two, three, four, 
Another quaffle, here we go.
Five, six, seven, eight.
Here’s the loss, we fail again!’      
Harsh. 

Nevertheless, the Tutshill’s Captain and Seeker Lacey Bolton decided to fight until the end, no matter what. Perhaps for this very reason, -even when the gesture was pointless score wise-, her determination marked her actions, and in a somewhat poetic deep dive into the heights of the pitch, she caught the snitch, leaving her team with a final score of 740 – 520 against them. 

Perhaps 2033 will bring a new outcome for the Tornadoes. 
Or not. 

“Low key I was feeling kinda bad for them, type [expletive]. After their mid performance, and vibe check with my teammates, I knew Bolton needed that snitch more than us, no cap. Nah, I ain’t simping, promise. It’s December, and I’m in my ‘tis the season to give Era. I ain’t delulu, next game I have a new strategy to-.” 
-Toutorix Tracy, Caerphilly Catapults’ Seeker, just before being hit by a Silencing Charm, allegedly sent by one of his teammates. 


Chudley Cannons V Wigtown Wanderers – 800 – 810
For a solid portion of the match, the Cannons looked maddeningly in control. Chasers Consus Król and Clarity Terrell were weaving through the air like they had personally offended the Wanderers’ defense and meant to prove a point about it. With their third chaser Casimir Utkin throwing passes as if they were hot potatoes, the gap on the scoreboard kept creeping upward, -the kind that makes commentators start preparing their “clinical performance” notes and fans relax just a second too early. Momentum was firmly in Cannon’s orange, and for once, it didn’t feel like blind optimism to believe they had this one wrapped.

Then both Seekers decided peace was overrated. What had been a measured search turned into a full-blown aerial brawl, both of them pushing limits, cutting corners, and throwing themselves into dives that made every healer in attendance deeply uncomfortable. The entire stadium held its breath as the Cannons flirted with a lead that would’ve shut the door entirely, only for Evie Proudfoot, the Wanderers’ Seeker, to ruin the script at the last possible moment -and here we thought ‘tis was the season to be jolly. One reckless lunge, one flash of gold, and suddenly the match was over. Victory ripped away, defeat narrowly avoided, and the Wanderers walked off the pitch having committed the greatest crime in sports: winning when they absolutely should not have. 

“Oops, I did it again.” 
-Evie Proudfoot, Wigtown Wanderers’ Seeker when commenting at the end of the match, shrug included.


Banchory Bangers V Appleby Arrows – 790 – 630

Expectations were sky-high for this matchup, and for once, reality decided to cooperate. From the opening whistle, both teams matched pace for pace, hit for hit, trash talk for trash talk, refusing to yield even an inch of sky.

The minutes stretched into hours, hours into days, all while the scoreboard inched forward at a cautious crawl, only to be held in check by two beaters -Jotham Patton on the Bangers’ side, and Gareth Davies from the Arrows-, who at the time seemed determined to turn the once lovely pitch into an unrecognizable war zone. Bludgers cracked through the air so relentlessly, that Seekers Everett Butcher and Bryson McConnell seemed to be hiding behind each other to avoid damaging their beautiful faces. Chasers on both sides were forced into a grind of incremental gains and desperate passes. When Beaters hijack the game, it is not fun -for the rest of the players, clearly.  

With neither team able to break away, tension was as thick as molasses. Every possession felt like fans were one step away from having a stroke. The outcome of the game was determined not on brute force or tactics, but nerves -and possible tears- and the score still remained at 640 to 630 for the Scottish team. 

After what felt like going on for generations, Banchory Bangers Seeker Bryson McConnell committed to the on-think, a death-drop dive. His fingers closed around the snitch -or was it toes?!? Honestly it was so fast I can’t remember!-, sealing a victory that could have easily swung in either direction. With a final score of790 – 630, the victory was Scottish, a proud moment that makes the Banchory Bangers step up onto the ladder gleefully, like a Christmas Cracker joke that is finally understood by the whole family -at once. 

“Nae, Ah wasnae holdin’ the game hostage. Ah just happened tae be there. And with a bat. Was Ah supposed tae accept defeat? Nae, we dinnae do that around here, pal.” 
-Jotham Patton, Banchory Bangers’ Beater and self proclaimed Chief of the Banchory Ragers.


Pride of Portree V Ballycastle Bats – 950 – 670
Pride of Portree didn’t just arrive to play, they arrived to make a statement loud enough to echo through every league table conversation. Last week’s embarrassment had clearly simmered into something volatile, and the moment their broomsticks left the turf, Portree unleashed every bit of pent-up fury with surgical precision.

What unfolded was less a match and more a public reminder of why you never underestimate a wounded team. Beaters Kyo Fujiwara and Lindiwe Ungaro dictated the rhythm from the first bludger swing, bullying the Bats’ Chasers out of any coherent formation before they could blink. Keeper Amrishaya “The Chaos” Kol, meanwhile, played like she had personal beef with the Quaffle itself, repeatedly turning away shots that should’ve found the hoop by all logic and physics -once a beater, always a beater, perhaps?

The Bats, for their part, didn’t just sit there absorbing punishment. They countered, regrouped, and showed flashes of brilliance that kept the crowd buzzing, moments where it seemed like, just maybe, they could spark a turnaround. Chasers Tobin Townsend and Avonlea Fox had their good moments, and managed to pass a few quaffles through Kol’s hoops. And yet… Every promising push was smothered, and every glimmer answered by Portree’s relentless control; like the scent of turkey and cranberries dominating in everyone’s Christmas’ menu. 

By the time the Seeker engagement finally tipped the score into certainty, the tone was set: Portree wasn’t here to entertain; they were here to reassert dominance. With Marfa Parma’s quick spiral dive, the Golden Snitch was easily caught, leaving the final score at 950-670 for Pride. 

After tonight’s display, any team looking at the schedule would be wise to circle their name with something between respect and dread.

“I feel for the Bats, they played a great game, but they had no chance as we needed to remind the fans who plan on dominating this season.” 
-Amrishaya Kol, Pride of Portree’s Keeper. 


Kenmare Kestrels V Falmouth Falcons – 770 – 600
Well, well, well. 

How the turn tables. Or the tables turn?

Last round the Falmouth Falcons were rejoicing in their ‘unbeatable’ title, and now… Now they’ve lost to the Kenmare Kestrels -who are currently in twelfth place in the league, an interesting fact that surely must be added. 

One must be wondering, how, how something like this could happen? Well, it only shows how quickly things can change in a game, and how nothing is determined just yet. And it won’t be until the very last match of the season! 

Or not. 

Unfortunately, our seers are away on time off -Christmas holidays are taken very seriously around here-, so we won’t comment on the probable outcome -one Mr Algeron Fletch is more than enough.

As per the game, it started strong for the Falcons, when Chasers Lucious Paddon and Declan Byrne took the lead by scoring the first seventy points, leaving the Kestrels’ Keeper Reese Barret as confused as if he had been hit by a flock of Wrackspurts. After then, the team became recklessly confident, probably thinking they had the Kenmare Kestrels in the bag. 

They didn’t. 

Instead, they began to lack consistency, teamwork and strategy; probably going from Plan A, to Plan B, C, and D; looking for the team they were a round ago. Even the Beaters Rhys Morgan and Lachlan Stewart -the Real Lachlan Stewart- seemed lost when the Kestrels began to actually win. 

Of course, this Falcon-sense-of-loss-and-despair was more than welcomed by the Irish team. Chasers Abigail Grace Bluetooth and the Griffin Twins put in the work, and managed to leave their team with a slight advantage, 620 to 600, hoping their seeker would follow the path. 

And oh, boy, did Seeker Hall Mynatt understand the assignment. With a triple loop, he dived for the Golden Snitch, catching it at the very last possible moment before it flew away. 

A final score of 770-600, and the sweetest victory of the league so far. 

The Kenmare Kestrels would like to see themselves in the race again. 

“I feel robbed. [Expletive] that.”
-Carran Georgeson, Falmouth Falcons’ Chaser and certainly not the happiest bean around. 


Holyhead Harpies V Montrose Magpies – 980 – 530
If there was a game where the meaning of ‘comeback’ was demonstrated up to perfection, this could be it.

The Harpies brought up the good old ‘New Year, New Me’ -albeit a month earlier-, as they surely were eager to Wrap Up 2032 with a good beating. 

Literally. 

What could have ended in yet another disappointing match for the all-girls team, turned into an on/off-pitch violent celebration, just as if they had just won the Daily Prophet Grand Prize Galleon Draw -and not as a team, but each member individually. With the aided passes of Fiona Campbell and Jolene Parris, Chaser Siobhan O’Connor led on the scoreboard, a fierce pursuit after the quaffle that even included the famous Finbourgh Flick -with O’Connor using her broomstick midair to score into a goalpost. If this wasn’t enough for a marvelous display of skill, the whole team was pouring themselves into the task. Keeper Biddy Ó Ceithearnaigh turned into some sort of impenetrable -allegedly- wall that flipped in Double Eight Loops and would not let the Magpies score -at least not that much. An hour had passed since the start, and the score was up to 450 to 290 for the Harpies. 

However, this was not all for the team from Holyhead. Their defense and offense was definitely upgraded from their beaters’ side. Lillibeth Bennet decided it was time to finally shine again -rumour has it, she was seen in Hogsmeade exchanging not very kind words with a certain new chaser from a certain Scottish team with a lot of pride- and beat like there was no tomorrow. Perhaps showcasing a warning of why players from other teams should be afraid of her. The ‘Wild Kat’ even got their second Beater Isla MacDonald enlisted in a Dopplebeater Defence, as both of them struck a bludger at the same team that went right into the Magpies’ Chaser Lestat Vrykulesti, a second before he was about to shoot. 

He was not happy -his screaming and yelling filled with expletives was living proof of it.

The Montrose Magpies fought back, or at least they did try. Probably not wanting to end the year at the bottom of the league -oh, well. Keeper Myles Burnham even attempted a Starfish and Stick move, and whilst it did work once, the Harpies figured soon enough that making him take a quaffle to his knee was the answer to make him lose focus. 

Burnham’s issues did not end there. As if it was not enough that his knee was being legally abused, the all-girls team decided to throw in a Power Play to confuse their opponents -possibly orchestrated by Bennet, as it seems. As Montrose’s Chaser Silver Summerfield got the quaffle stolen by Jolene Parris, the rest of the team flew onto them, forming some sort of mid-air-brawl that got the Magpies’ players curious. Eager to help their teammate, the players from the Scottish team joined into the brawl, not noticing how the Harpies’ Chaser had passed the quaffle -sneakily- to Siobhan O’Connor, who was already on her merry way, with Bennet following from behind, guarding her back with her bat. 

Confusion, distraction, magic, the words ‘you didn’t!’ and the bitter taste of regret. The last goal of the match scored by the Harpies, as a flash of golden crossed the pitch and the Seekers flew out for a win.

Unfortunately for the Montrose Magpies, the Holyhead’s Seeker Kayla Murphy knew what she was doing, taking advantage from the previous confusion. With no hands on her broom, Murphy dived in and closed a three hour match that had been simply divine for her team; with the snitch in her possession, the final score ended in 980-530. 

The Holyhead Harpies celebrated with their bats up, and got slightly rowdy after the game, as the Magpies’ Lestat Vrykulesti demanded for a rematch. Fortunately, the level of escalation in the lockers wasn’t noticeable enough -for Harpies’ standards- to involve the referees.

Better luck in the next year Montrose Magpies, the bottom of the League will -probably?- change. 

“Well, this looked like it was a job for me, aye? So everybody… Well, the girls just followed me…  ‘Cus we needed a wee controversy, ‘cause it feels so empty without bludgers… Rite?” 
-Lillibeth Bennet, Holyhead Harpies’ Beater on the game’s outcome. Does anybody feel like this was said before?


Wimbourne Wasps V Puddlemere United

Looking for the spicy details of the match? Don’t worry! Join us on Boxing Day, return to tradition, and watch these teams, both tied with two wins and three losses each, try to best the other.

See you there!