Brooms, quaffles, bludgers, golden snitches, players giving their everything and fans shouting from the bottom of their lungs -amplifying charm included. The number one wizarding sport we all thrill for is here to make you jump on your broom.
Calista Earnshaw and Edward Callbeck will bring you this week’s coverage with the special collaboration of Matthew Sparrowcaw in this edition.
Prepare yourself for the excitement and unexpected comebacks that will ultimately shape the scoreboard for this 2032-2033 season.
Puddlemere United V Chudley Cannons – 510 – 650
Once again, the Chudley Cannons have decided they’re simply done with being a national punchline, because apparently the curse -hold on to your pants and your lucky socks- seems to be still very much broken. However, don’t get too excited and frame your game-winning socks just yet, as this match was a tug of war right up until the bitter end.
Both sides flying around the pitch looked evenly matched, and if you squinted hard enough, you could see my beautiful fac…-trust me, we are trying to replace this co-host…No, seriously, we need a newer model; this one is simply defective.
The Cannons’ chasers absolutely outclassed their counterparts, while Puddlemere’s beaters spent most of the match rearranging faces, some of which were unrecognizable after the match -something that probably gave high hopes to the United fans, mostly when at some point they even seemed to be winning on scores with their Chaser Sora McKellan turning things around, 410-390 for her team.
With that being said, this came down to another game where it boiled down to a snitch -surprise, surprise.
The chase? Dramatic.
The play? Even more dramatic.
So much so, it made a wild fan -Mr Algernon Fletch, who apparently is still alive, against all odds- in the stands stop yelling, and suddenly start gasping like there was no tomorrow.
Nails biting, nails flying, a photo finish, the horror, the tragedy…. The… Oh, wait, the game ended.
And the Golden Snitch rested ominously in Chudley Cannons’ Seeker Callum Thorne’s hands.
Puddlemere United: 510.
Chudley Cannons: 650.
The Chudley Cannons win once again. Feel free to resume yelling.
“To be honest, I don’t know when the Cannons’ curse started… And at this point, I’m too afraid to ask.”
-Callum Thorne, Chudley Cannons Seeker and honest type of guy.
Wigtown Wanderers V Pride of Portree – 780 – 620
It finally happened, folks, the saddest news in history… almost as sad as my new haircut -honestly, I don’t want to talk about it, I’m still recovering from this moment- no one thought this could have happened, -definitely not me.
Pride of Portree is no longer undefeated, the tragedy, the horror. Hopefully, you brought your favorite stuffed animal for that game because that will scar generations. The amazing Valentine Weekes -Veteran Chaser for Portree- was injured when Cade Lindon’s bludger hit him straight on the head. Some said they could see the Wigtown’s beater put on a rare icy smirk, right before Weekes hit the floor. With this being the case, poor Pride of Portree was left without its backbone, causing the rest of the team to scramble. Seeker Marfa Parma was trying to stay focused but seemed quite distracted, continually looking in Valentine’s direction to see if he was okay.
Why did she look like she was about to cry? Could something be blooming there? Are they dating? And did this affect her performance with the Snitch?
Stay tuned next time, on Love On The Pitc- -please ignore my co-host, we think he’s broken.
We did, however, go to check on Valentine to see if it was a permanent injury that would prevent him from playing the game. Upon entering the medical tent, we found him very much alive…. And loudly demanding pudding. Clearly, not even a head injury can keep a man from his one true love -dessert.
Thankfully, he seems as though he will be able to attend the next game. Crisis -mostly- averted. As per the rest of the game, the Wanderer’s Chasers Garry Ivers and Shay Clark made Pride’s Keeper Amrishaya Kol’s life a little bit more complicated. In fact, with the aid of Babs Paternoster, the Wigtown Chasers caught up to Pride’s score and more, leaving the board at 630-620 for their team. This only facilitated things and the momentum for their Seeker Evie Proudfoot, who dived in for the Golden Snitch, smiled for the fans, and won the game for the Wanderers with a final score of 780-620.
“No.”
-Cade Lindon, Wigtown Wanderers Chaser when asked for a comment about the game -please do not hurt us. No, seriously.
If you thought this was all from the match, we have but one more surprise for you. We were able to track Mr Pip Hawtrey himself, the man, the myth, the Quidditch It Lad. Despite his busy schedule, we were able to get some words from him, that maybe -just maybe- will calm down some fans’ hearts.
Though a little choosey with his answers, Pip Hawtrey was all smiles, despite the outcome. “We have many teams playing wonderfully this season, but if there was a team that was going to break an opposing team’s winning streak, the Wigtown Wanderers would be among my top choices. Regardless of their own wins or losses, their aggressive play style seems able to unnerve even the best.“
When asked about former star teams not shining as brightly this season… “I know a lot of fans are worried for their teams, especially those who are playing very differently, or not as expected. To that, all I can say is that there’s still the rest of the season to go, and the match between the Wanderers and the Pride is proof that anything can happen. Fans shouldn’t give up hope, nor should players.“
Pip did not answer any more questions, but he departed with a cheeky smile over his shoulder as he called back to us, “How about those Cannons?!“
Caerphilly Catapults V Wimbourne Wasps – 690 – 910
For those of you who weren’t at the match, or couldn’t see if you were, this report is for you! In a match that can only be described as “WET”, the Caerphilly Catapults and the Wimbourne Wasps put up a performance of sheer grit. With a storm that turned out to be far worse than predicted, many were concerned that the game would be washed out! Yet the players were undeterred… for better or worse. Soon after the game began, signs began to show on their faces that they might have regretted that decision.
Nonetheless, they played their hearts out, and put in quite a serious game despite the circumstances! After an hour of playtime, the score had reached 220-250 when the game devolved into one that could only be played by instinct and the flash of lightning. For those in the stands, it was an awe inspiring display; but for those in the match, it was one of frustration and a mild amount of fear. In a post-game interview, one of the Chasers from the Catapults said, “I was nervous that at any point an unseen Bludger would come along and decapitate me. I’m thankful that didn’t happen.”
The game carried on in this manner for another two hours, with the Wasps slowly pulling ahead, until their Seeker Mieke Königsmann, got a lucky break and saw the Snitch passing by her in the air. Trying to keep track of her as she launched after the Snitch, was like watching a stop-motion film. Yet after a few seconds, and much to the relief of all the players, she displayed that she had caught it! Coming out of her locker for an interview, Mieke said, “Sometimes games come down to luck. Today that luck was on my side… but I hope I never have to play a game in those conditions again.”
Appleby Arrows V Kenmare Kestrels – 1000 – 810
Readers and watchers from across the UK: What a match! What a match indeed. If there was ever a game to replay as training for aspirant Chasers, this would be the one! Coming right out of the gate, both the Appleby Arrows & Kenmare Kestrels attacked each other’s uprights with a vengeance. Score after score went in, with the Beaters and Keepers from each team struggling to keep up.
During a foul grounding near the 45 minute mark, Gareth Davies of the Arrows’ seemed to get into a row with the twin Chasers from the Kestrels, Billy & Chloe Griffin; however, it was quickly quashed by the refs before either team lost members to ejection. Despite this, chants rang throughout the stadium of, “FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!” as everyone seemed eager to see blood due to the lack of the Beaters bludgeoning people.
The drama from the ground seemed to get channeled into the game after everyone was once again released to the air. Beaters from both teams began to make some real plays, slowing the pace of the score significantly. It was at this point that the game turned into a real slog-fest. Seekers struggled to keep up with or notice the Snitch, Beaters and Keepers began keeping up with the Chasers, and everyone clearly began to grow tired as the match dragged on and on. By the time the score reached 800 to 780, favouring the Kestrels, people in the stands began to wonder whether they would need to camp out!
However, they would all soon find out that would not be necessary. With a run of spectacular scores by the Arrows’ own Justine McNee, bringing the score to 850 – 810, the Seekers seemed to catch a break against the diabolically difficult Snitch. They dove and blitzed for it, looking like blurs of color, until the Arrows’ own Seeker made a last ditch launch for the Snitch. 1000 to 810! An Appleby Arrows win for the books!
In a postgame interview, Arrows Seeker, Everett Butcher, said, “I’m not going to even think about Seeking for a couple days after today’s. But we fought hard, and I’m proud of our team for pushing through the exhaustion!”
Tutshill Tornadoes V Montrose Magpies – 310 – 470
Well, well, well, if it isn’t another battle for the quaffle between England and Scotland. And this one ended up better for the Northern folks.
With three losses -some of them quite close-, the Montrose Magpies needed to prove themselves. The start of the season had been nefarious, and their team morale was low as an Augurey cry, so they really needed a change in their strategy -one that actually worked.
As they stepped out to the pitch, their formation seemed solemn and stoic, as if they were determined to annihilate the Tornadoes.
Or at least try.
Or at least pretend that they tried.
However, things started to look a little brighter for the Scottish team the moment their chasers performed a little chant, right after they touched grass. Coincidence?
We think not.
As soon as the quaffle was released, the Magpies’ Chaser Silver Summerfield flew down with a mesmerising smile that dumbfounded her opponent Robert Parsnicky, creating the perfect opportunity to seize and score the first ten points of the match. Plays like these might not fool Tutshill’s Chaser Luna George, but probably made her hesitate a couple of times. Whilst both teams did their best at scoring, Montrose’s very own Keeper Myles Burnham was well aware of their hoops at all times. So much it made it possible for their team to keep up with the Tornadoes during the length of the whole game.
With the Magpies’ Captain and Beater Kane Curtis more assertive than usual, the end of the match was basically a fact when one of his bludgers reached its target: Tutshill’s Chaser Elliot Nelson went down, and as the fans screamed in terror from the grades, the perfect distraction had been achieved. It was a mere second of hesitation that cost the Tornadoes the Golden Snitch. With Nelson down, their seeker lost focus, allowing the opposite team to finally see the light at the end of the long tunnel.
Unlike her counterpart, Arethousa Ainsworth did not hesitate, she flew as fast as lightning and obtained victory with a catch that left the final score in 310-410 for her team.
“No, it’s just unfair… I’m leading, she wants to chase, she smiles at me, I smile at her back, and after, she catches the quaffle. It’s not fair, eh?”
-Robert Parsnicky, Tutshill Tornadoes’ Dumbfounded Chaser.
Ballycastle Bats V Banchory Bangers – 360 – 580
Someone should ask the Ballycastle Bats if they’re doing well. Not related to their performance, really, -we already know they’re not- but more about their mental wellness.
Dear Ballycastle, are you holding well enough?
Because, based on the latest performance of the team in a match that didn’t even last two hours, the prediction is clear: no.
Oh, no.
Anyway, things are brighter for the Banchory Bangers, or at least that’s what it seems. With this being their second victory, the Scottish team truly is living by their ‘The Past is The Past’ doctrines. One needs to simply look at the speed the quaffle was being passed between their chasers, from Ulysses Ellington to Josias Saylor, and from Saylor to Doirend Rayne. And then? Directly through the hoops of Ballycastle Keeper Marsha Lyon -emotional damage, truly.
Not only did their chasers do their homework, but their Keeper Merrick Fabienne was at the top of his game, defending his hoops as if he were fighting for the revolution against some sort of tyranny in a monarchy. A valiant -and effective- effort from the young Frenchman.
Despite everything, it would be unfair not to mention the work from the Bats’ Beaters, avoiding the scores to go even higher for the Bangers.
Although…
They did fail to protect their own a little; something that was clear as a sunny day, when the Bangers’ Beater Jotham Patton took out -with impeccable precision- their seeker in the most crucial moment, after both teams had been endlessly racing for the snitch on several occasions.
The scores were 360-430 for the Bangers, and the Golden glow of the Snitch had been just noticed once more.
Patton did not hesitate: he charged his bat, aimed, and instantly put the Bats’ Seeker Avery Whittle on the ground -with a little cheer from fans from both teams, one might add-, presenting the perfect opportunity for his own teammate Seeker Bryson McConnell to seal the deal.
The Golden Deal.
In the end, the Bangers went out with a bang and a victory of 360-580 for their team.
“Sometimes you lose, sometimes you win… And you win well. C’est la vie, oui?”
-Merrick Fabienne, Banchory Banger’s Keeper and fervent follower of the ‘it is what it is’ pathway.
Falmouth Falcons V Holyhead Harpies – 1070 – 780
Oh, dear.
Oh, dear, indeed. What is happening to the Harpies this season? One might wonder, is the team having some internal issues? Or their luck has been simply terrible? Ever since the start of the season, they have been able to lose all but one of their games -against Ballycastle. Next we’ll hear they’ve lost against Puddlemere United -Warning: this is not an invitation to bet against the Harpies when/if they face United, Mr Algernon Fletch.
And how did they lose their third battle, one might ask?
Well, they were up against the only undefeated team of 2032 -so far, at least-, the audacious Falmouth Falcons.
Starting with a good pace, the Falcons’ chasers had a formation and a strategy in mind and simply went for it. With an assertive dominance of the quaffle from chaser Carran Georgeson, the team from Falmouth started the party with 60-0. It was when the all-girls team began to recover from the quaffle-shock, that Falmouth’s chasers Lucius Paddon and Declan Byrne threw themselves into the mix, -much to the dismay of the Harpies’ Keeper Biddy Ó Ceithearnaigh-, adding up to the score 430-350 for the English crew. Truly a low score for the likes of the Harpies, especially with chasers like Siobhan O’Connor, Fiona Campbell, or Jolene Parris. They probably did not expect Falmouth’s very own Dale Morris keeping with everything he had.
Literally, everything.
At one point, he even turned his broom and the quaffle that was meant to go through the hoops, bounced out. Referees said it was valid that time, even if the Harpies did not agree with the results. Whatever the case, the Falcons’ Keeper kept as if his life depended on it, and even went back to the crowd, loud as ever: ‘No quaffle through, no mistake!’.
Although… Technically… A few quaffles did get through. Still, an impressive game for him.
As per the rest of the match, there were some altercations between the beaters from both sides, and for a moment it seemed as if they were passing the bludgers, rather than aiming at other players. A weird flex that only demonstrated that both teams can and will defend, but also will fail at times.
Still, the Harpies fought with all their might and managed to keep the scores at 920-780 against themselves. They tried so hard, and went so far, and in the end, it didn’t even matter, as the Falmouth Falcons’ Seeker Dot Townsend did it again and caught the snitch, leaving the final score at 1070-780 for her team.
“Do or do not, there is no try… Ish?”
-Lachlan Stewart, -the Real Lachlan Stewart as he often calls himself for no reason-, Falmouth Falcons’ Beater and firm believer of his… Strength?