Quaffles & Bludgers – Matchweeks 5 & 6

Brooms, quaffles, bludgers, golden snitches, players giving their everything and fans shouting from the bottom of their lungs -amplifying charm included. The number one wizarding sport we all thrill for is here to make you jump on your broom. 

Calista Earnshaw and Edward Callbeck will bring you this week’s coverage, filled with the excitement and unexpected comebacks that will ultimately shape the scoreboard for this 2032-2033 season. 


Banchory Bangers V Wigtown Wanderers – 810 – 610
What a way to start this third round of Quidditch Games! 

Both Scottish teams came to this encounter with a 2-0… Only in the case of the Banchory Bangers, the score was against them. Before the match even started, bookmakers were busier than ever, receiving final bets on the absolute victory for the team from Wigtown. If only a reliable seer would have been around, countless of galleons would have not been lost that day and fans from either teams would have saved themselves from near bankruptcy.  

Oh, no. Anyway! 
Onto the game now. 

Both teams demonstrated their line-ups were beautifully balanced -despite the previous losses for the Bangers-, as chasers chased and keepers kept, with a special mention to Wanderers’ Mick Mooney, as he saved a very well aimed quaffle from the Bangers’ Chaser Doirend Rayne when his team was losing 600 to 620. Rayne had just been hit by a bludger sent towards him from across the pitch -Wigtown’s Aiden ‘Death Swing’ Parkin was on point with that one- and after recovering, he had dived for the quaffle, stealing it from the opponent team’s Chaser Garry Ivers. With the quaffle in his possession, Rayne dodged a second bludger from Parkin and with the recklessness that characterises him, he flew in zig-zag, did a full loop on his broom and took his chances at the hoops. The whole stadium held their breaths as the quaffle crossed the distance and Mick Mooney -who initially seemed to move towards the left- changed course at the last possible second. In an inspired whim, he flew towards the right hoop and caught the quaffle without even blinking; thus preventing his team from deepening the gap on the scores.  

Despite Mooney’s valiant efforts, the next four goals were not avoided, and even when his team managed to score for the last time in the game -thanks, Shay Clark-, the game ended with a Seeker diff performance.          

Where Wanderers’ Evie Proudfoot tried, Bangers’ Bryson McConnell performed. And what an unexpected -but really expected or at least hoped by the fans- performance it was. He heard, saw, and flew as if he was being pursued by a dementor. By the time Proudfoot could even blink, McConnell had the snitch in his hand, and a smile that went from East to West, giving his team the first victory of the season, 810 – 610.

“Well, last time we lost a game, Anah looked at me and then at her bat and I suddenly had an epiphany and thought: ‘Ha-ha I’m in danger!’ So I came here today and made sure to catch that snitch. Just kidding, Anah would never beat me up… Much.” 
-Bryson McConnell, Banchory Bangers Seeker and potential victim. 


Holyhead Harpies V Appleby Arrows  – 700 – 890
And then… It happened.

It was the finals of the 2028 Eurocup all over again, Appleby Arrows Vs Holyhead Harpies, but four years later and at the start of the season. And despite the fierce effort from the Harpies, the results did not change. It would seem the Ghost of Quidditch Past has returned to haunt them, even when things could have looked bright for either team -it didn’t. For the Harpies. Did we mention this before?

The game started with a good pace for the Welsh team. The Harpies had their chasers Siobhan O’Connor and Fionna Campbell on a mission to constantly try for the best shots and help the Arrows’ Keeper Hardy Barnes to lose his patience. Third chaser Jolene Parris did not fall behind, and even exchanged ‘sarcastic constructive criticism’ with Barnes as she scored and left her team at 260-200. 

Character building at its best.

Unfortunately for the all-girls team, their opponents from Appleby weren’t going to leave them to simply thrive. When things were looking brighter for the Harpies, the Arrows decided that was enough, and it was time to reopen old wounds. 

Beaters Ewan MacLeod and Gareth Davies made it personal to retaliate for every quaffle the Harpies sent through the hoops. Every time the Welsh team scored or attempted to, Davies and MacLeod were there to kindly -and yet very violently- remind them the Arrows were not playing around. 

The defensive strategy from the Harpies was stoic and yet not good enough to earn them the victory. With Beaters Isla MacDonald and Lillibeth Bennet battling bludgers and slight ‘beating tips’ from Opinionated Boy Jenson Barnett whenever he managed to dodge a shot and score instead, things did become intense, and cost the all-girls team the end of the game. 

As the scores pointed 700 – 740 for the Arrows, Seeker and Captain Everett Butcher managed to slide away from the heat from the Harpies’ beaters -focused at that time on Barnett- and dive into a victory catch. The match resulted in 700 – 890 for his team, and a low blow on the Holyhead Harpies’ spirits.

Will they be able to recover in a future encounter?
Only time and the Ghost of Quidditch Yet To Come will tell. 

“Catch me outside, how about that?” 
-Jolene Parris, Holyhead Harpies and Tactical Teaser, on her little exchange of expletives with Hardy Barnes.


Kenmare Kestrels V Ballycastle Bats  – 750 – 910
This was certainly a game that Ballycastle Bats fans were waiting and hoping for. A win, after two sour loses, first against the Tutshill Tornadoes and recently against the Holyhead Harpies. 

It did not start well for them, however, and fans -and even the team- were losing morale at a certain point. 

Chants like: 
‘Just close and go home, 
just close and go home!
Lyon, your hands seem so numb,
You’re tired, please close and go home!’ 
Or: 
‘Ballycastle Bats, 
Ballycastle Bats,
Hey, hey, hey!
We just suck!’

Could be heard from the grades during the first half of the game, as the scores went up for the Kestrels, and didn’t move much for the Bats at 50-430. Marsha Lyon had been always an unconventional Keeper, mostly during her time at Puddlemere United; however, since she had been brought to Ballycastle, she seemed to have found a style that suited her somehow. Unfortunately, during the start of this third round of games, she seemed to have lost it. 

Kenmare Kestrels’ twin Chasers Billy and Chloe Griffin were certainly on point, as they scored back to back with assisted passes from Abigail Grace Bluetooth, who also managed to send some quaffles through the right hoops at the right time. With a strong chaser trio, the beaters certainly had to do their job as well. And they delivered when it mattered. Beater Blossom Fairbairn was on the offense, whilst Isla McCrae was on the defense. It was a formula that worked well, as Blossom prevented Ballycastle from scoring a huge amount of points, whilst McCrae made it possible for the Kestrels to easily score. 

As things were up to that point, it seemed the victory would be taken to Kenmare, and yet… When they least expected it, Isla McCrae was taken down from her broom by a bludger she did not see coming.

Ballycastle’s Beater Blaise Bennett had aimed a perfect bludger that hit McCrae harder than anyone was expecting, breaking the Kestrels’ Beater arm, and taking her out of the match for the time being.

Even with a reserve beater, Kenmare’s chemistry was not the same anymore, and a breach into the land of opportunities was presented to the Bats. It seemed everyone was awake now -included the fans- and the Northern Irish team pulled its weight in the right direction. Chasers began to actually score, beaters defended and aided when needed, and the keeper… Well, let’s say Marsha Lyon finally found her feet again. 

After a hundred and thirty minutes of game, the Bats had finally pulled ahead with 750 – 760 in their favour. A chance that finally seemed to inspire their Seeker Avery Whittle, and make him dive for the snitch, ultimately catching it to everyone’s surprise -but mostly the fans. The final scores marked 750 – 910 for the Bats. 

“I’m tellin’ ya! Just let her cook!” 
-Anonymous Ballycastle Bats fan, on Marsha Lyon’s performance.


Wimbourne Wasps V Chudley Cannons – 290 – 670
Another short game that was unexpected but thoroughly appreciated by the Cannons fans.  

Could this possibly be the year of redemption for the team from Chudley? It certainly is how it feels, at least for the team and their loyal fanbase. 

As soon as the seven members stepped on the pitch, everybody could see the change in their disposition: a winning mindset, no matter what. 

And that is exactly how the match went down. 

It started with the Cannons’ Chasers Consus Król and Clarity Terrell bringing the party early, as both scored back to back during the first one and a half minutes of the game, putting the Cannons at 40-0. Terrell’s experience and Król’s offensive tactics made a clear path for their third Chaser, Casimir Utkin, who put the cherry on top as he managed to get the team up to 70-0 -all in under four minutes of game.

Wimbourne Wasps’ Keeper Kjersti Nathalie was in a constant state of alert -surprisingly, as witnesses allegedly saw her the night prior partying-, and as she remained under attack, she tried to switch tactics around on the defense. Unfortunately, her desperate efforts to save her Wasps did not pan out, as her teams’ Beaters Emily Thompson and Aoife Murphy had their focus on avoiding the ‘bludgers’-rapid-fire’ from the enemy team. 

After only forty-six minutes of game, Król sent a determined quaffle to Nathalie’s hoops and the score sat at 290-520 for the Cannons. The fans were absolutely mad -in the good sense- about it, with some even yelling things like ‘I’d even let you Stupefy me, Król!’ or ‘Glory and Cannons until the end!’. Not even two minutes after the latest score, Chudley’s Callum Thorne went on ‘Maximum Seeking Mode On’, diving right through the air with a confident flair that assured the Golden Snitch in his hand and the fervent roar of the crowd. An epic end of a match that resulted in a final 290 – 670 for the Chudley Cannons. 

The broken curse seems to live on. 

“We might end up conquering… Who would have thought?” 
-Justyn Riley, Chudley Cannons Keeper, Captain and latest Believer.     


Pride of Portree V Puddlemere United – 650 – 390
It’s time for your infamous duo, Qudditch Reporters, professional observers of other people’s suffering. 

If the league wasn’t already terrified of Pride of Portree, this match should have done the trick. This team walked onto the pitch like they were personally offended to even be scheduled for this game, and considering Puddlemere’s performance this season… Most can understand why.

Portree didn’t just win, they glided through Puddlemere like someone just took their last burrito. Every player played it to perfection, from the new blood all the way to the team’s mascot, who was running around like a wild boar, cheering the team on -actually wait a second, do they even have a mascot…? Who was that guy?

Bernardi didn’t just participate in this match; he orchestrated it. The man flies like he’s reading a scoreboard that only he can see, sliding into open angles nobody else even realized existed until he was already scoring through them. At one point, he cut across the pitch so precisely, that half the stadium looked around to check if that was legal. It was. Unfortunately for Puddlemere. 

But even with Bernardi’s chaos artistry, the true show stealer was Pride’s Seeker Marfa Parma. Before the other seeker could even ‘think about thinking of making a move on the snitch’, it was already too late; Marfa was holding it in her hand, and Portree had another win.

Of course, you know what needs to happen next… It’s the Puddlemere playing, and you know what that means. It’s time to interview their biggest fan, Mr Algernon Fletch. Only one slight issue, though; he didn’t seem to be around. When visiting his favorite bookie, he was nowhere to be found. Just a torn-up sock, pieces of a shirt, drag marks, and what looks like a trail of tears -to be determined, more tasting is needed.

Our hypothesis is that… Indeed, the wife got to him before us this time. And with another loss for Puddlemere United 650 – 390, the question is raised; will we find him in the next match?

“I just blinked my eyes and… Bam! The game was done!” 
-Anonymous Pride of Portree fan. 


Montrose Magpies V Caerphilly Catapults – 720 – 910

If you enjoy heartbreak, tension, or watching a team repeatedly insist ‘we can still turn this around’ while the universe says ‘absolutely not’, then this match was perfect for you. The Montrose Magpies have officially fallen to 0–3, a record that is beginning to look less like bad luck and more like a personal vendetta from fate itself.

The match was actually overall fantastic to watch, well, that is unless of course you are one of those degenerate Magpies’ fans. It sounds like our reporter here has a bit of a bias, or was he actually just a fan himself who is devastated by the loss? The world may never know.

Both teams spent the full match throwing haymakers, some even saying elbows were thrown -allegedly. 

One fan could even be caught screaming, ‘Hit him with a scissor kick’. 

Honestly, this reporter is lost for words and now intrigued; breaking down the process of how someone could even potentially do that on a flying broom. However, this reporter needs to bet…. We mean to find out if it’s feasible. 

Enough about that, though, the beaters from the Montrose Magpies were on point, preventing the Catapults’ Chasers Kasandra Bélanger and Gabriella Dudley from playing -fully- the game -otherwise the difference in the scores would be… Well, massive.

But as has been the theme this round, everything came down to the snitch. 

A very dramatic, high-stress, probably should have expected it, snitch chase.

It was neck and neck, the kind of chase where even the referees looked stressed, until the Catapults’ Seeker Toutorix Tracy managed to close a slight gap and wrap the game up with a catch that felt equal parts skill and pure, refined spite. Perhaps this was what the Caerphilly Catapults’ Keeper Hestia Withka meant by ‘fixing the snitch evading their seeker’.

Final score: 720-910, and the magpies leave with another loss. Boooooooooooo -What? Who put that? At this point, the only thing the Magpies have consistently done this season is crush their fans’ spirits for generations to come.

It is clear now, the Montrose Magpies don’t need a new strategy; they need an exorcist.

“As I mentioned before all it takes is for our seeker to find the spark, and he sure did.”
-Hestia Withka, Caerphilly Catapults Keeper. 


Falmouth Falcons V Tutshill Tornadoes – 1030 – 780
If anyone out there is still calling the Falcons a fluke, at this point, it’s starting to sound like denial. They walked into this match carrying the same underdog label everyone insists on sticking to them, and once again, they tore straight through it.

From the opening whistle, the Falcons played with the kind of confidence that usually belongs to teams stacked with star names and inflated egos. What they have instead is relentless, exhausting effort and a strategist in Chaser Declan Byrne who seems determined to reinvent the sport every Saturday.

Byrne’s play-calling was the backbone of today’s win. He stitched together combinations and formations that had the opposing side second-guessing themselves before they’d even crossed midfield. Commentators spent most of the match scrambling for explanations, because whatever Byrne was drawing up looked three steps ahead of anything the other bench could answer with.

And the players fed off it.

While the matchup looked balanced at kickoff, the Falcons gradually tightened their grip as the minutes passed. They didn’t fall into the mid-game slump that plagues so many teams; if anything, they sharpened. By the final stretch, stamina and sheer willpower took over, and the Falcons pushed the scoreline out of reach with almost casual certainty.

Three games. Three wins.
At some point, the league will stop being surprised.

“Our beaters weren’t entirely breaking any heads, so, you know… We decided to win.” 
-Declan Byrne, Falmouth Falcons Chaser.