Quaffles & Bludgers – Matchweeks 3 & 4

Brooms, quaffles, bludgers, golden snitches, players giving their everything and fans shouting from the bottom of their lungs -amplifying charm included. The number one wizarding sport we all thrill for is here to make you jump on your broom. 

Calista Earnshaw and Edward Callbeck will bring you this week’s coverage, filled with the excitement and unexpected comebacks that will ultimately shape the scoreboard for this 2032-2033 season. 


Wigtown Wanderers V Kenmare Kestrels – 590 – 380
Good start of the week -and some even might say the season- for the Scottish team, who asserted dominance over the Irish one, in a game that lasted longer than a Mooncalf’s nocturnal walk. 

Unfortunately, the length of the match did not correlate with the final score, as the Scottish team’s keeper made sure of that. Wanderers’ very own Mick Mooney was what could only be described as ‘on fire’, as he kept those quaffles away from his hoops, much to the Kestrels’ chasers dismay -Abigail Grace Bluetooth in particular- as the chances of them scoring went from a very high end to a barely noticeable one; an unwelcome surprise for the team from Kenmare fans, specially after their annihilating performance against Puddlemere United. 

Eighty minutes of game had passed, and the score still was 280 to 110 for the team of Wigtown, with points mostly from chasers Garry Ivers and Shay Clark, and beautiful assists from Babs Paternoster. Wigtown had encountered a force to reckon with in Kenmare’s beaters Blossom Fairbairn and Isla MacCrae, practically carrying their team with their bats.

However, no matter how hard beaters beat, if chasers can’t chase, there’s no way the general team’s effort will pay off. 

Wigtown’s Mick Mooney was certainly ‘The Wall’ of the match, and after hundred and thirty minutes of game, the score was still 440 to 380 for his team. 

It was then, right after the last point scored by Garry Ivers, that seeker Evie Proudfoot went around in precise loops and zig zags and snatched the Golden Snitch, putting an end to a game that had some fans snoring on the grades -between points and points- and others leaving saying they were late for work. With a final score of 590 – 380, the victory was certainly Scottish.  

“Ye see these hoops? Ye touch ‘em, Ah break yer fingers, pal. Even if the game goes on and on, Ah dinnae care. Did we win? Aye, so there’s that.” 
-Mick Mooney, Wigtown Wanderers Keeper. 


Chudley Cannons V Pride of Portree – 900 – 960
If things were certain in life, we could say that The Chudley Cannons putting up a fight against Pride of Portree was definitely not on anyone’s Twisted Bingo’s card. Perhaps their strategy of ‘keeping their fingers crossed and hoping for the best’ is about to pan out sooner than anyone expects.

With Cannons’ Chaser Consus Król taking the lead on the scores -perhaps confirming wild rumours of him training with a more seasoned chaser during the off season-, the team from Chudley seemed… Unrecognisable. Fans on the grades were collapsing from the excitement, with some of them mumbling about ‘Glory! Glory days are back!’ or even ‘They needed to rest a year… The curse is over… Tell me the curse is over!’ as they held other fans by the shoulders and shook them mercilessly, as if they were victims of some random Jelly-Legs Jinx. 

This game was like no other during this round, as it lasted a full day that brought doubts, laughs and questioning -of the existential kind- to not only the fans from both teams, but also the players.

With Chudley on the lead during most of the match, Pride’s Chasers Valentine Weekes and Noah Hawtrey had an interesting time trying to keep the score alive. Even new rookie sensation Leo ‘Fianchetto’ Bernardi had an unexpected -and harsh- encounter with Cannons’ Keeper Justyn Riley, as his quaffles were denied on multiple occasions. Was the flanking just easy to predict? Perhaps Bernardi was questioning himself for half of the game, until his attempts were successful enough to leave his team a bit closer to the Cannons with 500 to 480 for his rivals, after five hours of game. 

On the other side, the Chudley Chasers did encounter a good defense in Pride of Portree’s Keeper Amrishaya ‘The Chaos’ Kol, who once more emerged victorious -and keeping her record- despite how much of a close call this match was. 

As the game -and the day- progressed, the scores went up to 900 to 810 for the team from Chudley. It still could go either way, chasing or seeking could bring victory yet. 

And as sometimes goes, it was the seeking that brought the end for the day. Pride’s Seeker Marfa Parma is known for her razor-sharp organisation and ability to read tactics as they unfold. Kept calm even when the plays around her fell apart. Her temper nearly sparked early on, but she quickly adapted, analyzing every shift in formation, every feint from the opposing seeking. 

Then, with trademark precision, she struck.

While her rival committed to a risky dive, she would predict the snitch’s real path, breaking away and positioning herself perfectly. The Golden Snitch appeared and she snatched it…..The rest you can see in the scoring, 900 – 960 for her team.

“GG, EZ.” 
-Leo ‘Fianchetto’ Bernardi, Pride of Portree Chaser. 


Tutshill Tornadoes V Appleby Arrows – 910 – 600
If there was a match where beaters beat, this was it. 

No, truly. The green of the pitch at the Tutshill’s home was stained with red during the whole duration of the game and beyond. The game started with a slow pace that quickly escalated into precise bludgering and screams of ‘my arm’, ‘ouch!’, ‘can someone get this bludger off my path?’ and ‘watch it, I don’t wanna lose my head’ on multiple occasions. 

First score of the game was at barely five minutes after the snitch was released, the Tornadoes Chaser Elliot Nelson made sure to put his team in advantage as he threw the quaffle through the hoops, looped on his broom, waved at his fans, got an assisted pass from Robert Parsnicky, scored again, and was taken down by the Appleby’s beater Gareth Davies. 

From then, the plays seemed to repeat themselves as the match advanced: Nelson scored, Davies put him down. And the same would go for the other team, with the Arrows’ Chasers Scooty Moore and Jenson Barnett scoring and being brought down by Tutshill’s beaters Kip Heath and Cerys Llewellyn. Interestingly enough, Barnett was getting more beaten up than any other chasers, particularly by part-time Magical Wildlife enthusiast and full-time bludger lover Cerys Llewellyn, -something about him mentioning that dragons were nothing but monsters. 

After fifty minutes of game, the scores were 500 to 420 for the Tornadoes, with players from both sides visibly wounded and fans from the Arrows yelling ‘Again! Beat him again!’ and ‘It’s three hoops, how hard can it be to cover them?’, as Nelson kept scoring on the Arrows’ hoops.  

Needless to say, Arrows’ Keeper Hardy Barnes was not particularly happy, as he kept sending obscene gestures towards those ‘complaining’ fans, perhaps wasting more time fighting than defending. 

With seventy minutes played, Nelson put the score up to 760 – 600 for the Tornadoes, giving the perfect advantage to his team’s seeker. Lacey Bolton did not hesitate, with the precision and the confidence she’s known for, she dived for the Golden Snitch, leaving a very bamboozled Everett Butcher, as the seeker from the Arrows could not keep up with her strategy, allowing her to raise victorious for the Tornadoes, with a score of 1010 – 700. 

However, things did not end up there. As the snitch was caught, fans from the Appleby team began to boo, and after such a violent game, both teams got slightly rowdy. Wands were taken, bats were used, and quaffles were abused to add more blood to certain faces. Referees had to be involved, and both teams got a penalty of minus 100 points for each, resulting in a final score of 910 – 600. 

But that’s life, right? 

“Nothing, just an inchident… On the match.” 
-Elliot Nelson, Tutshill Tornadoes Chaser, when questioned about the post-match fight and how it started.   


Montrose Magpies V Wimbourne Wasps – 330 – 470
This has been -so far- the shortest game of the season. With both the Magpies and the Wasps losing their previous round, the fans were ready for anything to happen; blood, tears, debt, joy or even a food fight from the grades. 

Fortunately, nothing but tears and joy, even if there was a Wimbourne Wasps fan that threatened to throw a butterbeer to one of the Magpies followers -something about a wasp being uglier than a magpie.

The match started with a good pace, with Wasps’ chasers Tryphena Beetlegleam and Robyn McKowen scoring the first twenty points, both with brilliant assists from Layne Peacock who certainly made the female fans swoon as he graciously passed the quaffle around. Thirty points later, the Magpies caught up to the Wasps, with scores from Chasers Cass Audley and Silver Summerfield. With only thirty-one minutes of game, the scores had been up to 330 to 320 for the Magpies, as their Keeper Myles Burnham seemed to be keeping their cool. 

With the team from Montrose beaters focused on the Wasps’ chasers, an opportunity arose for the players from Wimbourne. Wasps’ Beater Emily Thompson came, saw and conquered, as she strategically placed her bat on one of the bludgers and aimed towards the Magpies’ seeker Arethousa Ainsworth. With the opposite seeker down -just enough-, Wasps’ Mieke Königsmann gathered all the luck she could, and flew down in a subtle loop and caught the snitch just after thirty-three minutes of game. 

Short but sweet victory for the Wimbourne Wasps, with a score of 330 – 470 in their favour. 

“I mean, wasps can be cute too, right? And… What are magpies but bird-bullies? That’s right, innit? I’m tellin’ ya, me butterbear was about to touch their heads if we hadn’t just won… Pfft.. Wasps uglier than magpies… Imagine… Go win some games, we talk later about who’s uglier…” 

-Anonymous Wimbourne Wasps fan who was not about to start a food/drink fight at the grades after not being offended about his Quidditch Mascot affiliation. Allegedly.    


Caerphilly Catapults V Falmouth Falcons – 790 – 830
Another day, another match.

And another loss for the Catapults, whilst the Falcons keep smiling bright. Deserving? Not in the chasing/keeping department, let us be clear. 

This game was played beautifully by the Catapults’ Chasers Gabriella Dudley and Kasandra Bélanger. They scored, and scored, and scored. Assisted passes -and even more quaffles through the Falcons’ hoops- from third Chaser Elara Quinn added to the magic, and after half an hour of game, they had put their team at a fair advantage of 520 to 300 for their team. Keeper Hestia Withka lived up to her last name, and performed as she should, keeping those hoops with her life, just as if she was defending her team from dragons. Everyone thought ‘this is it, this is a Catapults game’. 

Unfortunately for the Welsh team, the Falmouth Falcons’ beaters had other plans in mind. Lachlan Stewart and Rhys Morgan were not only on point, they did what they had to carry their team to victory, preventing the Caerphilly chasers to score just enough, and probably ending with a sore back at the end of the game. With a hundred-two minutes in game, the Falcons still had chances to turn the tables, as the score was 790 to 680 for the Catapults. 

Back pain or not, the beaters’ strategy was perfectly favourable for the Falcons’ Seeker Dot Townsend to do her thing. Graceful, precise, just in the right place at the right time, Townsend doted upon the fans with a beautiful triple loop as she dived to catch the Golden Snitch with ease, ending the match with a score of 790 – 830 for her team. 

“Notice me, Dot Townsend.” 
-Allegedly NOT the same Falmouth Falcons fan who was definitely NOT mesmerised with the Seeker’s skills and charms during the last match.  

“I’ve done exactly what’s expected of me in the last two games and so has the rest of the team. The only thing that keeps evading us is the snitch. Once we fix that and our seeker finds that spark the scoreline will look very different.”
-Hestia Withka, Caerphilly Catapults Keeper. 


Ballycastle Bats V Holyhead Harpies – 590 – 1060
After the results from the last round, it was clear the Holyhead Harpies wanted more. Perhaps the start of the season was a deja-vu of the finals of the 2028 Euro Cup for the Harpies, and precisely because of that, they needed to prove they were -without hesitation- better. 

Opening the score was Chaser Jolene Parris, with an excellent and precise pass from Siobhan O’Connor, putting the all-girls team at an advantage soon enough. With their third woman Fiona Campbell chasing after the quaffle -and scoring-, the girls showed the Ballycastle Bats’ Keeper Marsha Lyon that she was not in for a fun game. With only fifteen minutes of game, the scores were up to 180 – 70 for the Harpies. 

Luckily -or unluckily- for Marsha, her beaters were up to the job, preventing a few more quaffles going into her hoops. However, this move also activated the Holyhead Harpies beaters into ‘defensive-agressive’ mode, ultimately unlocking the hidden achievement of what is now known as ‘The Battle of The Beater Bennet/ts’. 

Every time Beater Blaise Bennett went after one of the Holyhead chasers, Harpies’ Beater Lillibeth Bennet retaliated with a bludger of her own towards a member of the Bats. A beating battle that only ended with more bludgering. Exhilarating.

Whilst the beaters did their best, -or thrived in the violence- the chasers chased like there was no tomorrow. Ballycastle’s Tobin Townsend did his best, and scored the last goal of the game, -right before being taken by a precise hit by the Harpies’ Isla MacDonald… A bludger that seemed to be sent with care and vengeance. Could this confirm the rumours of them being seen together during a night out in London?-, leaving the board at 590 to 910 in favour of the all-girls Welsh team. 

It was the ninetieth minute of the game when the Ballycastle Seeker Avery Whittle seemed to go on the move, allegedly having spotted the Golden Snitch. However, not even the snitch could save his team now, and as he flew with tunnel vision, a perfectly timed rogue bludger took him out, leaving Holyhead’s Captain and Seeker Kayla Murphy with a clear path for victory. 

With the prize caught, the match ended at 590-1060 for the Harpies, causing furor on the grades. On one side, euphoric chants of victory, and on the other? The misery of the Bats’ fans aimed at everything, after their second defeat of the season. 

Complaints like ‘Avery Who? Avery Can’t See A Nundu From Three Feet Apart, that’s who!’, were heard along with ‘My three year old can chase better than these chasers! Do they have hands or butterfingers?’ and finally:

‘Do the D.E.F.E.N.S.E, 
One, two, three, four, five. 
Stick to those H.O.O.P.S.,
Stop letting Harpies pass!’
Harsh. Hopefully, the Ballycastle Bats can redeem themselves in the next round.   

“Maaaan… I just wanted to be the Better Beater Bennett.”
-Blaise Bennett, Ballycastle Bats Beater, on bludgers between him and ‘The Other Beater Bennet’. 


Puddlemere United V Banchory Bangers – 730 – 630
This game had everyone questioning their existence! 

Who would’ve guessed Puddlemere would be able to win any games this season after the abomination that unfolded in the last match? Well… definitely not us. But even with all the slander, disrespect, hate mail – most of which was allegedly mine-  the team still pulled through. Algernon’s wife must have given them a stern talking to. 

This game was long, half a day long, but even when the game might have been ‘slow’, it could not be compared to the rush Puddlemere fans might have felt when they saw their team score. And score again. Even if they didn’t score as much as the Bangers. 

Every little helps.  

Chasers Sora McKellan and Jack Jones were not as sleepy as in their previous game, putting in the effort to keep the team alive. Of course, the Banchory Bangers did retaliate, and made sure their score was up to ‘standards’. Three hours into the game, and the scores were up to… Oh, just 210 to 220 for the Bangers. 

Four more hours would need to pass -with fans taking naps, eating and working from the grades- for the team from Banchory chaser and Captain Ulysses Ellington to get an assisted pass from Josias Saylor and score the last goal of the game; 580 to 630, a slight advantage for them, despite every player performing as they should. 

However, Puddlemere’s seeker Callum McClarken showed his talents in this game. The moment the snitch was in sight, it was as if McClarken slipped into a different space of existence—no wasted movement, after seven hours of waiting, one must add. No Hesitation. Just pure, deadly precision. He flew like a ghost – silent, focused, and already three steps ahead of everyone else on the pitch, putting an end to a half a day match that resulted in -surprisingly- victory for his team, with a final score of 730 – 630. 

To find out what happened to the team’s determination, we even interviewed the man himself – Puddlemere United’s number one fan Algernon Fletch – who, to no one’s surprise, was already cashing in his ticket. 

Algernon, jumping for joy, “We won! I knew we would win. Selling all my wife’s jewelry was worth it. I knew they wouldn’t let me down again.”

Clearly Mr Fletch has a problem and needs help… or a death wish, honestly, death wish sounds more likely at this point. 

Our reporters asked why he had so much faith in them – besides the gambling addiction.

“Mr Algernon, glad to see you jumping for joy this time. After the last game, what made you so confident to sell all your wife’s precious jewelry and risk a smite from the gods?”

Algernon cleared his throat and tried to look very professional. “Well, you see, my beautiful, lovely… And very scary wife gave the players a stern talking. She told them that if they lose again – causing her [expletive] husband to lose more money, she will hit them with her infamous spinning chancla attack.”

Ah, it all makes sense now. The wife is a Latina; even a Basilisk would be scared to approach them without at least some preparation. Looks like the team gets to survive another day, unlike Algernon, when she finds out he pawned off her jewelry. 

Maybe a post-beating interview will take place after, stay tuned!