Oh no! There is a crisis in the castle! What do I do?
Timocleia Gwilym
Fifth Year Prefect
Gryffindor House
The Administration here at Hogwarts and the Ministry of Magic are always at great pains to remind us that Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry is the safest place in the Wizarding World, bar none. Forget Azkaban Prison, the vaults below Gringotts, or even the offices of DMLE and the Minister herself. Hogwarts is it. The safest place in the world for people like us. That’s what they tell us.
However, sometimes this sterling reputation is tested (tarnished) on occasion by a teeny, tiny little catastrophe or crisis that might happen here at Hogwarts. Some years ago, for instance, not all that long before this year’s Seventh-Year students arrived, there was a battle against the Undead waged by Professors and students alike in these very halls. Apparently this caused a tower and the entry hall (at a minimum) to collapse, and perhaps the Grand Staircase too. There are very dangerous things in this supposedly ‘safe’ school, including a Whomping Willow that will mush you into jelly if you give it half an opportunity (and that’s definitely not in the school brochure!).
We still have a Banshee in the castle that has been locked up for quite a number of years; we have been attacked by dragons, acromantulae, Dark Witches and Wizards, intelligent evil clocks, and a couple of years ago about half the student population was replaced by doppelgangers from through a set of ancient magical mirrors. Oh, and there have been werewolf attacks too, and we have even been threatened by trolls brought to the school to protect the students. And this is all just in the last decade or so. Just look through old issues of the Owl Post. We have all heard some of the older stories, including a battle against an actual army of Dark Wizards and Witches. And sometimes the dangers we face can be much more subtle or unexpected, such as a random pocketwatch that carried a curse that nearly killed this author in her Second Year.
Seriously, it amazes me that our parents and guardians even let us come here, particularly those of us whose parents and guardians are alumni of this esteemed institution. With Muggleborn students, I can understand it: their parents only have the brochure and the letter to go by. If there is even a brochure.
So: crises do happen here from time to time. What is a Firstie to do?
Step 1. DO NOT PANIC.
Crises can happen quickly or slowly. They can be big or small; they can involve the immediate destruction of half the castle or the slow destruction of a single hapless student. Any which way a crisis finds you, do not panic. Panicking will only serve to make the crisis worse. Do not just run around screaming. Think. Evaluate the situation. And follow the rest of these pieces of advice.
Step 2. PANIC.
Now that you have identified a problem, you need to get moving. Quickly. There is no crisis that is well-served by undertaking your action more slowly than you need to. What should you do? It should be obvious from the catalog of crises and catastrophes above that the range of possibilities is far too large as to admit of a single answer. But whatever you are going to do, do it right away. Do not mess around. The rest of this list is a set of steps most likely to result in preserving your life under the widest-possible range of crises imaginable. However, it is definitely not perfect, and you may have to figure things out as you go.
Step 3. FIND A PROFESSOR OR A PREFECT.
If you can.
Professors will usually (but not always) be very handy in crisis situations. If you are a Firstie, then you do not have a big magical arsenal yet with which to confront a crisis. But a Professor does. Usually. So do Prefects and higher-year students. The nice part about finding a Prefect is that they are required to help you. Of course, if immediate death is going to be consequence of such help, then the average Prefect may be somewhat uncomfortable with or reticent about helping. Even so, having the Prefect close at hand will at least demonstrate to the source of the crisis that a more magically-capable person is, well, at least there.
In the absence of a Professor or a Prefect, any higher-year student will do. If you are unsuccessful in Step 3, but remain alive anyway, then proceed immediately to Step 4.
Step 4. RUN.
Remember, you are a First-Year student, and your magical ability is somewhere between that of a Flobberworm and a Puffapod. So it will generally be a very bad idea for you to try to face something that is powerful enough to cause an actual crisis at Hogwarts. If you have successfully completed Step 3, then there is another person there already. So you do not need to outrun the source of the crisis. You just need to outrun the other person.
Step 5. HIDE.
As a First-Year, or even as a high-year student, hiding is a perfectly acceptable action to take in the face of a major crisis. Chances are, the Professor/Prefect/Higher-Year Student/Monster-Bait that you found in Step 3 will tell you to run and hide anyway, so this might be a little repetitive. However, it bears stating here because when some panicked older person is screaming at you to run and hide, then that will serve as reinforcement.
A good hiding place will generally be in the opposite direction from the source of a crisis. In the case where the crisis is all around you, then it is up to your discretion (and good luck). One of your greatest gifts as a First-Year is that you are small, and therefore can generally find a great many more hiding places than an older (and larger) student or adult. Try to be creative about a hiding place. Do not go for the obvious ones (such as under the bed) because the monsters will probably know enough to look there and find you anyway. One of my favorite places to hide is in large drawers in cupboards and wardrobes, but of course I am smaller than anyone else here.
Step 6. WAIT.
The waiting is the hardest part. You are waiting for the crisis to end, and for magically stronger people to fix things for you. Does that sound boring? Yes! Is it safer than wading into the fray? Yes! So your choices basically boil down to either a boring patch of time which results in a longer, fuller life where you can yourself turn into a magically more powerful being standing strong against the dangers in the Wizarding World, or… An ignominious death as you try to fight a dragon with that neat new Colovaria spell you learned. And Red Sparks. Good luck with that.
Step 7. ALL CLEAR.
Ideally, at some point the crisis will pass, and someone will come find you and let you out. Or it will just get quiet out there and you will come out by yourself (though be careful doing that). Yay! The crisis is past, and you can go on with your regular life, assuming that you survived and that Hogwarts still stands. You made it!
ALTERNATIVE PROCEDURE
For some people, the above system is unsatisfactory. They want to do something! After all, we are all Wizards and Witches! We control the very powers of the Universe! Well, not really. You are a First-Year student, not one of the Peverell brothers, nor the reincarnation of Merlin. So should you choose an alternative course of action that involves turning and standing bravely against the crisis, undaunted and heroic, well… Just make sure you have a great many friends around you when you do. Otherwise your stand might be very brief indeed.
