Writes gossip correspondent Philomena Pest

Oh darling, the foils of young love! It’s strangely addictive, isn’t it? Whether it’s the melody of a simple serenade, or a poem spoken in gentle, tentative whispers, the exchange of a simple plucked flower from a freshly fertilized field, or a box of chocolates procured from the finest chocolatiers. For the ladies of Beauxbatons Academy, however, love is no more than weaponized emulsion; but who’s getting painted blue?

Once the Queen of the love-rhombus, Cardan Duarte’s sinister trap has evolved into a hexagonal-entanglement, pulling in victims from all over Hogwarts castle. Her latest scathing beguilement comes in the form of Albert Tournadre, who recently threw himself into her embrace, showing signs that he had been compromised by some sort of devious highly advanced magic more than likely concocted at Beauxbatons, as part of a bigger ploy to take out the competition. Scathing!

The question remains; will the chaotic and sparring Lars Stangeland of Durmstrang let this happen, or will he wise up and join forces with the tantrum-prone Hogwarts Champion, Elliot Reid, once and for all? Remember, darlings… it’s not too late to enact that castling. Or is it? *smoky laugh* My money’s on the French!

Magic Tricks

Ayo Onyilgowu isn’t just magical as a Beater for the Wimbourne Wasps—he’s also a leprechaun with skills in coin trickery he learned from his mentor, Sir Kiss.

I’ve seen Ayo, I do love a good quidditch game after all, and he’d be the tallest of all the leprechauns I’ve ever seen. I do wonder about this coin trick though!

Vamps and Unicorns and Wolves, Oh my!

Vampires, unicorns, leprechauns, and wolves walk into a bar. That’s not the set-up of a joke, but commentary on the patrons of The Crimson Fang during the Mardi Gras party.

This sounds like it was quite the party. Now, I wonder who was who of all those creatures and beasts named!

Firm Con-firmed

I heard a young lady from the DMAC was all over a handsome auror’s chest at the Mardi Gras party at the Fang. She kept calling him very firm and tried to get a member of the Wizengamot to confirm it!

Ahh, this brings back memories of my late Sylvester. He had the nicest chest, shame that dragon had to eat him. …I digress..

Cheeky Peeks

I seen Darragh Daly eyeing another woman at the party in the fang in front of Persephone?? Is he a cheeky bugger or is he unfaithful?

Well, as long as all he did was eye there’s no harm in that if no one gets upset! Besides, the Darling Daly may be a rascal but he does seem to be into Persphone!

American Arrogance

President Raynott of MACUSA showed up unannounced at the Ministry of Magic this week. The Minister is currently abroad on diplomatic business so Ministry officials were left to deal with the situation themselves. Young, Mr. Colquhoun seemed to hold his own against the man, charming him with hotel recommendations and a free ticket to the Triwizard Tournament before he went on his way. Miss Nishi of the DMLE Patrol Squad also showed her confidence, not afraid to give it to the man straight and show that the British Ministry was not going to be pushed around by American arrogance.

Everything I have heard about the President says this is entirely all too common for his rude ways.  Thank goodness for the hard work of those that delt with him! Give the younger  Mr Colquhoun a bonus for this!  He’s well on his way to high places like his father!

Rekindling old flames?

Lysander Diaval of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement was seen recently making moves on Persephone Vitrac in the Crimson Fang. Despite the tumultuous year the pair have had and her relationship with Quidditch star Darragh Daly, the young Chaser seemed all too welcoming of the attention.

OOHHHH can this be true?  If the brilliant and lovely Lysander does get back with Persephone, I hope she treats him RIGHT this time and doesn’t get straying eyes.  He deserves someone amazing! Such a sweet and brilliant young man who’s had to deal with way too much heartbreak. I so want a happy ending for him.. 

Turning a Cheek?

Harpies Chaser Persephone Vitrac certainly seemed to snub Darragh Daly at the MGAS Unity Festival. She turned away from his affectionate greeting upon his arrival to the fairgrounds.

This aligns with the above whisper about a reunion of Lysander and Persephone! Be still my heart! 

Broken Hearts or Broken Bones?

Speaking of Darragh Daly, who would have thought a Quidditch Pro would fly so poorly he dropped into the energy field around the comet. Vitrac was seen carrying his unconscious form before depositing him at the healer’s tent.

I’m sure that  it was the heartbreak that caused this. Someone has to suffer for others dreams to come true in love after all.  

Want to whisper something juicy to Euphegenia? 

* Legally Witch Weekly must clarify that all information published comes from external sources and Witch Weekly does not knowingly publish libelous gossip.

Unity. An ironic theme for a dueling exhibition, if I do say so myself. At least, it does seem ironic to me to have a theme of wizarding kind working together and supporting one another whilst duelists compete with the most intense and aggressive spells they can manage. 

And they are aggressive. In a slinky but stylish outfit designed by famous French designer Isidore Gagnier featuring a corseted pencil skirt that is to die for, your darling reporter, Scandella Bliss set out to have a word with the talented duelists ready to magically gouge one another’s eyes out at the Unity Festival to be held this weekend courtesy of the Ministry of Magic Department of Magical Games and Sports. Never did I imagine to be witness to such hostility from duelists volunteering their time to what is meant to be such a noble cause.

The first duelist I managed to catch up with is a young rookie who just graduated from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft of Wizardry by the name of Bonnie Nishi. I cannot lie, readers, I was surprised to find myself with a pretty young lady who seemed quite refined despite her… rather suggestive street attire. There is more to Nishi though than just a sweet face and a clever mind. The rising star belonging to the Manchester Mandrakes has a ferocious temper hiding behind those starry eyes- to be expected of a former member of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, I suppose.

Moving into the interview, I asked Nishi to introduce herself for those who are wondering just who this newcomer to the League is and she had this to say:

“Right, I’m Bonnie Nishi. […] Let’s see… I’m 19  and just really happy for the support I’ve been getting from all the Mandrake fans. I’m really excited to be part of the club and just want to make sure I take every match one day at a time. I’m from the area so I grew up with the Mandrakes and this is a dream of mine!”

Moving on, Miss Nishi expressed her excitement for the upcoming festival and her feelings about the theme saying:

“I think it’s going to be fun. I just want everyone to have a good time at the festival and use this as a chance to bring us all together!”

Isn’t she sweet? Don’t let it fool you, however, as it was when I asked her opinion on her opponent that Nishi’s claws came out. There have been rumours that Robin Ross has called Nishi a green nobody with no hope of coming out of this and going anywhere but St. Mungo’s. When I asked her about this, Nishi had this to say:

“[…] Alright. Look. If I’m going to St Mungo’s, it’s to take her flowers. Maybe she should spend less time obsessing over me and more time trying to claw her way into a ranking that doesn’t require 3 digits! And while she’s at it maybe she should try to get out of her ‘I peaked in 7th year so I’m just going to wear this scarf all my life’ mentality.”

Vicious words from the Mandrake Rookie! Believe me, readers, I was every bit as surprised as you were! Still, it does make for good writing, doesn’t it? 

Next, I caught up with duelist Harper Nicholson of the Orkney Warlords. Nicholson, not to be confused with Harper Williams of the same club, is known to be something of a critic when it comes to those she considers to be dueling disappointments- even when those disappointments are on her own team. Needless to say, I was eager to have a word with her for your reading pleasure!

Starting out, I asked Nicholson to introduce herself in her own words. Here’s what she had to say:

“My name is Harper Nicholson – The Lady of Fire. I will be representing the Orkney Warlords at the upcoming Unity Festival in Hogsmeade. There is not much to be said about me – I work hard, and I win.”

Say what you want about Nicholson, the fiery duelist is certainly confident and without fear of jinxing herself or looking an absolute dunce if she suffers a loss. Next, I asked her if she had any feelings around the upcoming exhibit.

“There is nothing to feel about it. It is only an exhibit, yes, but the fans – and the world – will see what the Warlords are made out of. There is nobody out there that works as hard as us and, let us be honest. There is none out there as skilled as we are. While they joke around and play their games, we WILL sweep victory right under their laughing noses.”

I’ll be honest, readers, I had no opinion on the Warlords before this interview but after hearing Nicholson’s words, I can assure you I will not be heading out to obtain any of the club’s merch [not that I would be caught dead in a dueling club tee anyhow.] That said, if anything is going to be packing the crowd around the exhibition stage this weekend, it is the Warlord’s opinion of her opponent. Perhaps Nicholson’s reputation for setting fires is truly more about the fuel she pours over the rivalries in the League when speaking of fellow duelists. What do I mean, you ask? Well, Nicholson had this to say of Bristol Boggart, Crush:

“Ha! Fitting, that she chose the name Crush – that is exactly what I will do to her. That silly charade my “opponent” and her team call a gimmick will come in useful when they are forced to retire and must earn coin by whatever means. Do you really think there is more to her than her mouth? She belongs in a Circus – and I am going to send her back there.”

Certainly harsh words from a brave soul. For those of you unaware of the reputation of the dueling gang known as the Bristol Boggarts, they are no joke. Judges and fans alike have been known to show up in St. Mungo’s after speaking words just like this and I would be unsurprised to find that the money raised at this festival ended up paying Nicholson’s medical bills. Lastly, I asked Nicholson if there was anything she wanted to say regarding unity in the wizarding world. Despite volunteering her time to this exhibition and it’s cause, Nicholson had this to say:

“The only Unity I concern myself with is the Warlords’.”

I am not one to be left speechless, but readers, Nicholson accomplished rendering me utterly tongue-tied without the use of her wand. I left Nicholson with haste to catch up with Bristol Boggart Crush next and what a meeting that was.

Crush of the Bristol Boggarts is a character if I have ever met one. The only word I can conjure to mind when describing her is this: loud. Loud in appearance and loud in nature. Crush was found in the Snitch and Wand in Little Lamplight guzzling a firewhisky down before drawing her wand and directing the glass it had been in across the room and into the head of one unsuspecting patron. Cue the first bar fight I’ve ever been witness to, which ended with Crush on top- quite literally- of the unconscious patron. Not even the owner of this establishment dared to throw out the pink haired duelist in leather- the logo of the Boggarts displayed proudly on the back. Regardless, as things settled down and Crush eventually released her brawling partner, she moved into a booth with me to have a word. Like the others, I asked Crush to describe herself for those of you new to keeping up with dueling. A disclaimer, however, Crush’s responses have been edited to remove the profanity to appease my editor.

“Ain’t nothing to say, love. I’m a [redacted] Boggart in all senses of the [redacted] word- I [redacted] duel and when I ain’t on stage, I’m on my [redacted] broom with my brothers. I’m going ta be representin’ the [redacted] Boggarts in this upcomin’ exhibition and I’m going ta be [redacted] winnin’ for the club. Ain’t no [redacted] doubt about that.”

As she was the one to bring it up, I asked Crush how she felt about the upcoming exhibit in Hogsmeade. She had this to say:

“It’s real [redacted] sad to hear about that lot gettin’ [redacted] injured at the Spring Open, really. I think this [redacted] festival’s a good [redacted] idea, gettin’ the [redacted] Wizardin’ lot together to show them [redacted] goblin protestor [redacted] that we won’ be stopped and we ain’t goin’ ta [redacted]fall apart at the seams, yeah?”

Reasonable words coming from the Bristol Boggart. Wanting to save the juiciest question for last and also not wanting to risk a glass flying at my own head, I decided to ask Crush if there was anything she wanted to say about Wizarding Unity next.

“Well, of course, there is. Unity’s real [redacted] important, innit? Wizardin’ kind needs to stick together especially in [redacted] times like this. That lot would learn a lot from the Boggarts, we’re thicker than [redacted] thieves, even if we have a [redacted] go at one another sometimes, yeah?”

An interesting sentiment. And the perfect fuel for the fire Warlord Harper Nicholson started. Waiting until the bartender had served the Boggart another drink, I took the opportunity to tell the pierced duelist just what her opponent had said about both her club and the perceived outcome of the upcoming exhibition match. Now, I would never be allowed to publish everything Crush said in response, but I am sure you will get the sentiment. 

“[…] That [redacted] absolute [redacted] scrubber really [redacted] thinks she’s got any [redacted] chance? I’ll [redacted] so far up her [redacted] she’ll be spittin’ [redacted] splinters for the rest of her life. What an [redacted][redacted], wait ‘til I’ve got her on [redacted] stage, I’ll [redacted] her [redacted] with my [redacted] boot, she’ll have [redacted] shoe laces coming out of her [redacted] […]”

I’ve never heard such colourful language, let alone coming from a witch sporting a Hufflepuff scarf, readers. Nevertheless, your darling reporter managed to make it out of the pub without glass or boots embedded in her person, leaving Crush behind just as the owner served her a round of shots to sedate her I’m sure.

That left only one duelist for me to track down, one Robin Ross of Godric’s Glorious. Readers should be quite familiar with Ross even if they aren’t the sort to keep up with dueling, given her status as a part-time model. Of all the duelists on the list, I was quite eager to meet with Ross and perhaps interact with a powerful and beautiful woman that I could actually relate with. What I got instead was an unintelligible Scot- easy to look at but believe me, readers, it was quite difficult to understand her. Fortunately, my Expeditious Excerpt Quill was able to make something out of what she had to say. 

As with the others, I asked her to introduce herself for whatever readers we might have who have lived under a rock for the duration of her career.

“Ach! Ye’re a bonny one tae be askin’! The name’s Robin Ross of Godric’s Glorious and ye’ve ne’er seen a finer bunch. We’re all old Gryffindors and we care about preservin’ the legacy of Good Godric himself, which is to say Darin’, Chivalry, and Nerve. I’m the one that’s steppin’ up this weekend so ye’ll have a show, no question!”

Of course, as a Ravenclaw, I felt no stirring of emotions at this clearly over rehearsed speech, but they’re very pretty words once you realise what it is you’ve just heard. Moving on, I asked Ross how she felt about the upcoming exhibit.

“I’ve been visitin’ Hogsmeade since I was a wee lass, aye, and I’m thrilled tae be representin’ the Glorious on Sunday. There’s a lot tae look forward tae and ye can be sure I’ll be arrivin’ early an’ stayin’ late. It’s past time Hogsmeade got a taste of Pro Duelin’ and I’m honoured tae be so near the old stompin’ grounds again.”

Another prepared speech from the graduated Gryffindor. In fact, your favourite reporter did begin to wonder if Ross has a unique thought rattling around inside her pretty little head. Still, we pressed on with a question of how Ross felt about her opponent. After an initial practiced quote from the Glorious duelist, I thought to inform her of the things the Mandrake Rookie had to say about her in return. Unfortunately, this question too was answered in the most dull and practiced way.

“Ach, and isn’t it cute of her tae say it. Ye know we in the Highlands like tae be affable when we can but as my kinsmen and women are wont tae say: them’s are fightin’ words. Now, of course I’ll be understandin’ why a wee hen would be intimidated by a lass of standin’, ’tis only natural aye, but I’m nae concerned about the pecks of some bright young bird just flown the nest. Bonnie’d be better served tae smile at the pretty lioness but mind her claws as well.”

I must say, it is impressive to see how she blunts even her threats down into something with less edge than butter knives. Smiling pretty, the toothless lioness closed up with these final words about Wizarding Unity.

“There’s lots I’d say if ye felt like sittin’ down fer a dram o’er the weekend, yeah? I’d go on and on about my time at Hogwarts and later on the circuit but the most important thing tae remember is that yer match is only as good as yer opponent’s gonna let it be. We all want tae put on the best show we can and that means we need our Mandrakes and Banshees, our Kelpies and Krakens and Celts.”

Eager to escape this droll interview, I thanked Ross for her time before returning to the office. Despite the rather disappointing ending to a day full of otherwise enticing aggression, this writer can say this: Readers, Sunday’s Unity Festival promises to be an exciting one full of fiery rivalries and delicious drama. I believe you would be foolish to miss it as it will provide gossip for weeks, I am sure. Ta-ra.

Editor’s Note: The Unity Festival will be held in Hogsmeade on Sunday, March 28th, 2028. Proceeds will be going to St. Mungo’s to assist in the care of those duelists injured during the Goblin Attack on the Spring Open Dueling Tournament. Events include a dueling exhibition seeing Nishi vs Ross and Crush vs Nicholson. Also featuring a Broom Race against noted Quidditch pros such as Vitrac of the Holyhead Harpies and Sterling of the Ballycastle Bats, Qhroma, and more. Brought to you by Fizzie Hard Pumpkin Juice and the Ministry of Magic.

Reid Wins Second Task, Duarte And Stangeland’s Dangerous Distraction, And What’s Next?

Writes gossip correspondent Philomena Pest

Ah yes, the triumph of a rook, DARLING, in this unravelling inferno-game of chess, that continues to be beaten, squashed and mastered by thirteen-year-old Elliot Reid, who’s temper tantrums have proven to be less of a burden and more of a ducat to the cup – a cup that is surely going to be his – as this ambitious emerald-housed student secures his second victory in what is becoming this centuries most scandal-filled Triwizard Tournament to date.

But who cares about underwater creatures in a wet and tricky task, when your biggest fish to fry is that of your precarious love-triangle. Or quadrangle. Or quadrilateral. Or is it a trapezoid, darling? Who cares! It’s a chiffon of outrageous love, and one that I would wear in a heartbeat! Whether it’s the chaotic and sparring Lars Stangeland, his greatest love-competition and enemy Magnus Laufreyn, or her doting handful of other consorts from across the three schools, Duarte is more than distracted. It’s better than scandalous, darling, it’s monstrous… and I love it!

*a smoky laugh emits from the column*

But how long can the Rook’s revelling, or Duarte and Stangeland’s love-rhombus go on, before reality sinks its teeth in, and draws out the bloody, horrifying reality of what’s to come next, darlings. Death. And then some. Or at least, frostbite, darlings, as whispers treacle through that it will likely involve racing and stormy weather conditions. Get your umbrellas, ladies! Or your brooms, or winged horses, or illegal flying chariots, or whatever it takes! But most importantly, bring your gossip, and I’ll do the rest! Mwah! 

Let’s Move On

Well I can’t really blame him. Poor Lysander. Just leave the man alone and let him get on with his life! He’s more than Persphone’s ex after all!

Lysander Diaval has been seen sulking around in the Crimson Fang with it’s owner, Jean-Baptiste. When asked about his thoughts on the confirmation of Persephone Vitrac and Darragh Daly’s relationship, he was quick to recede into the shadows!

Keeper of Hearts?

This is just a lovely sweet pick-me-up story! Good for them! Best of luck and keep us posted! I do love reading about budding romances! Reminds me of when I met my late husband.

Looks like the Keeper of the Creature Reserve is not only aiding sick animals. She’s been seen quite often recently with a fellow handsome magizoologist in close proximity. Judging by the looks they gave each other they clearly did not talk about creatures, maybe more about animal instincts?

Taker of Souls?

I UTTERLY refuse to believe a bit of this is true! Well, maybe about a book but not one that takes souls! That’s..not even possible after all. And the butterfly could have been a mere transfigured bit of magic inside the cage. 

I overheard Lysander Diaval, talking to a foreigner and that potions shop owner, Airtia. Apparently, he carries a tome around that talks about taking people’s souls or something, and I wouldn’t be surprised considering I saw him wearing a cage with a live butterfly in it. I wonder if it’s actually a pixie or a fairy that he’s captured. How cruel!

Foreign Education

I do hope the others in the pub educated him properly! Saying such a thing could get one hurt in the wrong crowd!

There was a foreign man in the Three Broomsticks the other night, named Bellamy something or other, who claimed there was no difference between England and Scotland! The nerve!

Winter Bee Gone!

Oh the poor dear! Bees can be such fickle things and a hard winter can be hard on them! I do hope she managed to save some! Someone update me!

I saw the owner of the Beehive Stores over in Godric’s Hollow, that Winifred Hare lady, frantically smoking out her bee boxes. I wonder what’s happened to her “livestock.”

Department of Beautiful People?

There ARE quite a number of attractive people in the DMLE right now. The Cadwell siblings, Lysander, Miss NIshi and the heads of it themselves! Good luck with this, whisperer, if you’re wanting to pursue this one! 

Apparently one of the Ministry’s newest law enforcement officials is a woman with stunning and shockingly blue eyes. Gwenaderin Ferox, I could get lost in them! The Department of Magical Law Enforcement really must be obsessed with collecting the gorgeous and mysterious types.

Each Scar Tatt is a Life

I have heard rumours in the past that some law enforcement find ways to mark their arrests. Though the way this was worded tells more of a story. Do send me more of it, dear whisperer.

I overheard Wyatt Maddux at the Crimson Fang saying that every tattoo on his body is for each victim – I mean criminal – that he’s apprehended! The man is covered in ink!

Moving On

L’chaim!  I want to hear all about this !  How wonderful for sweet Lysander!

A little bird told me that Lysander Diaval was heard saying he had a date the other night. I wonder who the lucky person was.

Feeling Down?

As the head of a Ministry department perhaps he just had a long day and wanted to support his team while also being tired? Hmm.. I don’t get many whispers about Avery. A man of mystery indeed.

Did anyone else see how sullen the Head Auror Avery Mccallister looked the other night when he was at the Crimson Fang with his team?

Just Friends or Maybe More?

OYE VEY, again with trying to make poor Lysander look bad with this! Friends hug! Plus from what I have heard about the younger Colquhouns it would take all the dragons in the world to pull them apart, if that!

Lysander Diaval was seen embracing… EMBRACING! Aisling Colquhoun in the Three Broomsticks! Ruined his own marriage, so now he’s gone off to try and ruin someone else’s too, it seems!

Rejection Woes

I do feel this sounds like a take two might be warranted, only, maybe in private. And with much apologies and going slow. 

Apparently, Bonnie Nishi boldly asked Gwen Ferox out for Valentine’s. In typical, bumbling Ferox fashion, Ferox must have rejected, offended, or slighted Nishi enough for her to uncharacteristically make a scene around Hogsmeade.

Getting an Eye Full?

Oh my! Sounds like I may want a copy of this calendar myself! It must be quite the thing!

My neighbor came home with a new Quidditch calendar a week or two ago and I haven’t seen them leave the house since. At first, I thought maybe I should contact someone to do a welfare check, but then I saw a copy of the calendar for myself and haven’t left my room since.

Cape Full of Bats

Oh such a SWEET thing for him to do! Bats are very important after all! Animagi family members or not!  

I overheard Lysander Diaval at the Crimson Fang, talking about how he’s rehabilitating an injured bat and keeping it as a pet. I wonder if it’s a family member.

Want to whisper something juicy to Euphegenia? 

* Legally Witch Weekly must clarify that all information published comes from external sources and Witch Weekly does not knowingly publish libelous gossip.

Falcons Feast on the Kestrels

Cannons Close Top Four Gap

Welcome to this week’s summary of Quaffles and Bludgers, the best place to stop off to get your Quidditch news – apart from the pitch itself of course! This week we cover the last three competition weeks of the British & Irish Quidditch League, the best in the world of course, so buckle up and strap in as we take you through the competition’s best games and the worst games throughout the season so far.

Beginning our first matchweek were the Banchory Bangers who took on the Wimbourne Wasps to an incredibly close, incredibly quick, high octane game between the pair of them, with Wimbourne getting to a quick start as they scored not one, two nor three shots on goal but instead managed to sink four before the Bangers managed to get an answer in edgeways. Regardless, the competition between the two was fierce, and Wimbourne were leading within the thirtieth minute by fifty points before the Bangers managed to get their gloves upon the snitch, a crash landing catch that called an end to a very tight, very quick game. Banchory Bangers 240 – Wimbourne Wasps 130!

Next across the country we travelled to Falmouth, where Barry Fletcher’s side were ready to take another victory, and take it they did. With a dominant performance which showed off the brutal play that we’ve come to expect from players like Darragh Daly and Jasper Baxter, Falmouth absolutely dominated little minnows Kenmare, showing them what it is like to play with the big dogs of the League. Manager and Coach Barry Fletcher looked very amused as his team came away with a dominant win. Falmouth 320 – 120 Kenmare.

Puddlemere United, a team performing above expectations this year took on the Montrose Magpies and drove them to an incredibly close contest, playing out of their minds in a game that ended between the pair with less than fifty points between them. With Puddlemere’s attacking presence almost reminiscent of Portree’s own scramble attack formation that they’ve used to great effect during the year – with players positioned almost all over the field to throw Beaters and the like off – they proved very effective at penetrating the Montrose defence which was out in storm. The Magpies however clinged on, and whilst the Puddlemere attack was shockingly strong their bulwark approach to the game kept them in for a close affair that finally came to an end midnight on the thirteenth – Puddlemere 450 – 410 Montrose!

Ballycastle – resurgent and eager to get back in the top four spot for their chance at European competition – took on the Wigtown Wanderers in a close bout, with Ballycastle holding the lead for the majority of the game with only a few blips in their performance. Wigtown however held the previous league champions to a closely contested game which surprised many what with how dire Wigtown had performed in the last few months. Eventually however Ballycastle clinched the win and pushed their points differential ever closer to a positive number and closer still to their competition for fourth position. Ballycastle 370 – 310 Wigtown.

Elsewhere in a game that surprised many Chudley put the Pride of Portree to the sword with a fantastic performance that lead to the record for the fastest game in the year of British & Irish Quidditch so far, with the bout between the two teams lasting for 23 minutes and 16 seconds overall. With the plucky Cannons managing to keep up with the Pride, dropping only ten points to them in the eighteenth minute Chudley then did the impossible and caught the snitch, closing the game out with a fantastic scoreline that shows just how close the game truly was. Cannons 240 – 100 Portree.

Tutshill meanwhile were swept aside by the Caerphilly Catapults, the teams both showing off a rather delightful smattering of poor play between themselves to make Tutshill’s presence at the bottom of the League – after their mid-table finish the season prior – resolute. Tutshill originally started relatively well, scoring 40 points higher than Caerphilly in the opening moments of the game before it seemed that the balls were lost and the players were simply ambling around the air doing nothing. After an hour or so of no action, when spectators began to quit the stadium and head for greener pastures the snitch at last came into sight and was caught – rather easily in fact – by the Caerphilly Catapults, bringing the dreadful game between the pair to an end much to the relief of not only the crowd and the referees, but the Wizarding World on a whole. Caerphilly 200 – 90 Tutshill.

Finally in what – depending on which side you are on and which team you support – was seen as either the most exciting and skilful play of Quidditch so far in the League, or perhaps the most dull and morale-destroying game was the match between Holyhead and Appleby, the Arrows hoping to get their pursuit of the top four spot and a place in the European Cup secured after their early-season resurgence into the annals of British Quidditch royalty. However this was not to be as Holyhead had other ideas. Staking their claim upon the League it seemed, Holyhead put 440 points between the Appleby hoops without even giving them a taste of the ball, the Arrows missing their mark each time they came close to an ounce of possession. Then, with a quick Snitch catching the game was bought to an end – some felt to almost save Appleby the humiliation of a drawn out competition – with Holyhead having scored all of the points and Appleby holding all of the regrets. Holyhead 590 – 0 Appleby.

The following week held similar results within the quidditch league, though things shifted and changed for each teams as many of those who lost their games or won their games found themselves upon the opposite end of things, allowing the League a touch more of the competitive leeway that we so love in our sport. This week of matches began on the 20th of January with a positive routing of the Kenmare Kestrals, Kenmare still trying to work off their demolishing at the hands of Falmouth the week prior received another demoralising defeat by Puddlemere United. Puddlemere of course a team now on a streak of victories, the usual lower- mid table team emulated the Holyhead Harpies before them and kept the possession away from Kenmare, playing quick and greedy Quidditch to keep the ball in their hands as they racked up one hundred unanswered points before closing the game with a Snitch catching. Puddlemere United 250 – 0 Kenmare Kestrels.

Elsewhere in flying form the Chudley Cannons were regretfully brought down by what many are beginning to call an ever lucky Banchory Bangers side. With both teams showing off a lot of competition despite the disparity of their situation – Banchory involved in the scrimmage for fourth position whilst Chudley sit at the bottom of the table with Tutshill to keep them company – Banchory managed to take away the win after falling 140 points behind the plucky Cannons. Despite the loss Chudley fans remain happy and hope to get some new blood to turn these sorts of close losses into victories. Chudley 420 – 430 Banchory.

Elsewhere the Wigtown Wanderers – eager to bounce back from their defeat at the hands of the Ballycastle Bats – bounced back with a victory over the Caerphilly Catapults, who showed off equally terrible quidditch much in the same vein they had decided to show off in their vilified victory over the equally terrible Tornadoes the week prior. Playing some impressive quidditch, the Wigtown Wanderers managed to sink 18 shots on goal to bring themselves out of the threshold of a loss to a Snitch catch, only to have this exact thing happen to them as Caerphilly raced after the Snitch, one of their players actually being sent off of the pitch for foul play against the Seeker, with the Catapults’ modus operandi clear: catch the Snitch as soon as possible. This catch was not enough however, for in almost prophetic fashion Wigtown pushed themselves above such losses, taking the victory with skill and finesse one might expect to come from one of the world’s best. Wigtown 180 – 150 Caerphilly.

Falmouth meanwhile across the nation put the sword to the Appleby Arrows in their attempt to once more get their show back on track and take a victory to propel them back into some sort of leading position. Falmouth – uninterested in Appleby’s hopeful growth into a top tier British & Irish side went out with the same lethal intensity that they tended to hold during their games, sinking goal after goal and shattering at least three of the Arrows’ broomsticks in the process as they took the game 570 – 460 on Appleby’s part, the team keeping things nice and close with a late Snitch catch to stop their punishment.  Falmouth 570 – 460 Appleby.

The Wimbourne Wasps – after falling to a miserable defeat at the hands of Banchory the week prior shocked fans of British & Irish Quidditch across the two nations however as they felled the mighty Ballycastle Bats, the Bats seemingly on a warpath to regain their top-four spot, hoping to ascend after the failure of the Pride of Portree to take a victory last week. The Wasps started the game with a shocking intensity, and despite the work of Caryxander Sterling accidentally breaking one of their Chaser’s legs in the process the Wasps managed to take them game with a Snitch catch to close the contest out. Wimbourne 590 – 420 Ballycastle.

The Pride of Portree got back to their winning ways with a convincing sweep of the Montrose Magpies, the Magpies themselves in a bit of a tough spot with their loss of Puddlemere last week seemingly demolishing their morale whilst the victory has propelled the United to new heights. Portree came out swinging, wanting to return to their winning ways after losing to the Chudley Cannons – a match that their Captain stated was a fluke victory much to the chagrin of many who wish to see the Chudley Cannons succeed in the league like old times. With 610 points on the board before an hour had passed, and the Magpies looking dour with each ding of the bell signalling more points weighing down upon them, it was only the Snitch being caught that saved them from a potential sweep and the humiliation Appleby had felt in the week prior. Portree 610 – 150 Montrose.

In the final game of the week the Tutshill Tornadoes travelled to Holyhead to take on the Harpies who – after their incredibly strong performance last week – seemed a touch shaky upon their brooms, struggling to get into the rhythm of the game and allowing Tutshill the chance to play. The Tutshill Tornadoes are not regarded by the dear editors of this work to be the most skilled in the League, but if allowed to play Tutshill Quidditch they can be a force, and a force they were. The Tornadoes fought for every score and defended goal they could, battling against the Harpies as The Silver Wolf Persephone Vitrac fought with her colleagues to score as much as possible, shoving Tutshill to a close encounter that was ended by Holyhead catching the snitch – at a most opportune moment as Tutshill were beginning to get some real momentum behind themselves. Holyhead Harpies 310 – 290 Tutshill Tornadoes.

In our next week of sport the table shifted and changed even further, with more losses and victories that none could see coming, along with a derby for the entirety of the two nations’ fans to enjoy. Beginning the week was the remarkable trumping of the Falmouth Falcons at the hands of the Caerphilly Catapults who had been – dare I say it – positively /awful/ in the weeks prior. Coming out with a clear, very simple gameplan the Caerphilly Catapults simply /let themselves/ be punching bags for the bruisers on the Falcon’s side, with the likes of Jasper Baxter and Darragh Daly not seemingly able to adapt to the playstyle as quickly as they might usually. The match smacked of a large team disrespecting the minnows, doubting their ability as they scored point after point, expecting themselves to remain safe from defeat until they were trumped by the Snitch as it rested within Catapult hands. Catapults 240 – Falcons 170.

Elsewhere the Banchory Bangers found themselves learning from the mistakes the Holyhead Harpies had made the weak prior in their difficult victory over the Tutshill Tornadoes – don’t /play/ with your food. The Bangers came out swinging against Tutshill, who without being given the time to actually /play/ their game were dominated, with only one own goal being scored on the side of the Bangers – seen almost as a joke on the Tornadoes behalf – keeping them from being swept as Banchory blew them away. Bangers 530 – 10 Tutshill.

The dire Appleby Arrows faced yet another – perhaps more straightforward – test of their ability this week against the Kenmare Kestrals, managing to come away with their first victory in the last three games after back to back defeats against Holyhead and Falmouth, two teams that they were hoping to match in class and calibre. Kenmare played a very average game which was blown out by Appleby’s hyper aggressive attacking strategy, the Arrows almost seeming to want revenge for the disgrace of losing their previous matches. Dominating the Kestrals across the park, Appleby ended the game with a sound victory of 300 – 80, scoring 70 points on the Kestrals and then catching the Snitch to further cement their dominant victory over them.

Puddlemere, on a hot streak of victories took on the mighty Cannons this week in a hotly contested fixture between the two. With Chudley playing out of their socks in an attempt to secure victories in three very close games and only coming away with one win, Puddlemere managed to secure yet another victory upon their scoresheet further cementing themselves as a capable team going into the future years of Quidditch within the nation. Despite Chudley’s best efforts the sloppiness that many have said is indicative of Chudley Cannons’ Quidditch failed them yet again, leaving the scoreline at Chudley 250 – 520 Puddlemere.

Across the nation a resurgent Wimbourne side – over their loss of the Bangers and being fuelled now by their victory over previous league victors and defending champions in the Ballycastle Bats – brought their A game when facing off against the Pride of Portree, another successful team this year and another scalp for them to add to their list. With what looked to be a new gameplan implemented to specifically deal with the classy style of game that the Pride have been bringing all season, the Wimbourne Wasps found themselves dominant as they took the Pride to a fantastic victory. Game, set and match. Wimbourne 680 – 360 Portree.

On a cold streak themselves, the Montrose Magpies found no mercy as they met the Wigtown Wanders, the Wanderers having come just off of a win against the Caerphilly Catapults. Plundits held the belief that with Montrose’s two new signings from the Agincourt Axes (Adam Fletcher making his return to British & Irish Quidditch, joined by one of his team mates in their first foray into the proper side of the sport) the Magpies were guaranteed the win. With this assumption, on top of the belief that perhaps the victory against such poor opposition the prior wouldn’t have much of an effect on the morale of the Wanderers many found themselves expecting a victory for the Magpies, only to watch as they were beaten around the field by a remarkably strong Wigtown side clearly hungry for a victory. Finally ending the thrashing with the respite of a successful seeker, Montrose finished the game 130 – 550 for the Wanderers, absolutely demolished by the opposition.

In the final game of the week the Holyhead Harpies took on Ballycastle Bats, the current League front runners facing off against the previous champions from the year prior. In a closely contested game between the pair it was the Bats who came away with the victory, with previous Slytherin Captain Persephone Vitrac facing off against once Co-Captain Caryxander Sterling in a bout that saw The Silver Wolf hunted across the sky by the red-haired man. Speaking to the Beater after the game, Caryxander – we’ll call him Cary in the interests of not wasting good paper space – declared that “(Persephone) Vitrac is hard to miss in the air. She’s either behind you scoring or in front of you with her silver or black hair billowing in the wind. Bit like a target ain’t it?” The man seemed to find much cheer in the victory and the friendly bout with his previous captain, though some Harpies fans were unhappy that their team were defeated in the bout that would have put them on steady ground with Falmouth prowling. Holyhead Harpies 450 – 570 Ballycastle.

That about rounds off our foray into the Wizarding World’s Premier sport, in its premier league. We hope you’ve enjoyed reading along with us, and we hope you enjoy the next edition!

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Writes gossip correspondent Philomena Pest

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Sometimes, darlings, enough is enough, and my sources tell me that this is certainly the case for our national ‘hero to be’ Elliott Reid of Slytherin House. Infuriated by his ‘eavesdropping’ housemates, Reid is said to have skulked off to a dueling room to royally lash out on the nearest training dummy he could get his mittens on, leaving it trampled, frayed and utterly dismayed.

Though no deliberation is needed to figure out why, darlings, this rabid competitor cannot withhold his temper, when the answer can be found at the top of the castle food chain, donned in chic, steely blacks: Aoife O’Keeffe. Students begging for personal training are told quite firmly and frostily “no” – left pondering the foibles of their young existences, impotent to a Tournament that heeds their Headmistress’s attention far more than anything else. Has Reid been pushed too far, or is there something else at bay? Oh I do love a mystery!

Attention is a funny thing, too, darlings, a thing that Professor Gaston Reuter could boldly attest to. After all, having come under fire for his recent classroom ramblings regarding the infamous arrest of Wandlore studies, it is no shock at all that he would go on to retract this shocking decision and reinstate this most prized of subjects. And a correct retraction at that, darlings! I do salute him. In a letter addressed to our very office, Reuter demands to know the source of our inside scoops! And darlings, whilst one cannot reasonably or logistically do this, I must applaud him for his efforts! *Smoky laugh!*

Baby Bliss

Oh this is wonderful news The last we had heard was the happy couple was heading off into the sunset after their Hogwarts romance. What a lovely update!  Someone do let us know when the child is born and all the names!

Former Hogwarts Professors Musibella and Lane Cavanaugh were recently overheard whilst shopping in Diagon Alley to be expecting a second child. It’s good to know the romance has survived their departure from the school of witchcraft and wizardry.

Et tu, Devon?

An actor as a teacher? Well they’ve had professors with odder previous professions! Anyone have a whisper on what he’s teaching? He is a darling actor. I saw his turn at Hamlet, just brilliant 

Did anyone see that actor Devon Purchase in Hogsmeade? Supposedly the Barkeep says he was talking about being a Professor. I thought he was supposed to be doing Metamorphosis at the Palladium? Maybe the rumours that Steven Toast stole his role aren’t entirely unfounded…

Holding out Hope for a Harpy

Perhaps love will spring again? Though the competition with the delicious Darragh Daly for the Hollyhead darling is high. How will Miss Ferox manage? DO keep me posted about developments here!

I spotted Gwen Ferox back in Godric’s Hollow, pitifully pestering Persephone Vitrac again after some failure and scandal in the States.

Macaulay the Minister?

Oh this is a surprise to say the least! Quite a change up unless someone is pulling my leg!  Though a change in direction  for the Macauley family would help their standing and reputation quite a lot!

George Macauley was apparently quite eloquent when he addressed the Wizengamot this week. In fact, he helped to save the wizard world from economic ruin! Who would have guessed? Rumour is that the Wizengamot have been trying to keep that family out of their business due to Bernand’s (the senior) less than diplomatic behaviour – pure-blood line doesn’t always get you an advantage when people in power think you are a buffoon. Maybe the younger Mr. Macauley will correct that and find himself with a seat?

Precaution or Preservation

In all honesty I am QUITE surprised it took this long for this to happen. After that attack on the Minister over the summer! Letting just anyone in could lead to so many more issues!  It’s not just the Minister that needs to feel safe at work but all the hundreds of people also working there! The  real heart and cogs of the Ministry! 

The Ministry of Magic is now a fortress. Distinguished members of the public once welcomed are now being turned away by officious security at the new checking gate. It seems that things are more serious than we thought and threats of attack against senior officials are being uncovered day by day. Or maybe Merriweather is up to something else?

Ministry Nepotism

Oh I bet this makes for some quite confusing conversations about the ministry!  Just which A Colquhoun is meant! But good on the younger one for getting so far so fast! Though I do now wonder what happened to his predecessor! Did he find love in France? Or did something more nefarious happen to Mr St Jours!? Also did the younger one make this rise up on his own merit or did he ride his fathers coat tails?  My dear whisperers let me know

The Colquhoun family are making tracks in the Ministry. Young Archibald, former Hogwarts Head Boy, is now Senior Assistant to the Minister after only a year in a Junior role in International Cooperation. Then again, his predecessor made a similarly quick rise in station too. Do Ministers just have a preference for bright young men or is there some trick that other people are missing?

Fair Fangs Never Won Fair Lady

I don’t usually combine whispers but these two are so close to the same and so short I felt it wouldn’t hurt this once.  I need intel..and photos of this new manager ! It sounds like he must be quite dreamy in a gothic way!  But I’m far too old to make a trip to Hogsmeade myself. 

It seems the Crimson Fang has a new manager from New Orleans and he definitely has vampire vibes.

Ladies have been going into the Crimson Fang and coming out smitten with the manager.

An hair-raising experience

If one wears a properly fitted wig this would be quite hard to do! Perhaps someone hasn’t been able to afford the good wigs then? Or well, from what I have heard Bonnie is QUITE the up and coming superstar of the DMLE

I heard around the office that Bonnie Nishi managed to snatch Sophia Peyroux’s wig during DMLE training.

Delectable DMLE

Good on them! Lets just hope one of them can manage to snap him up. He’s QUITE a catch and needs some new love in his life. I’d go for him myself but I fear he’s not into women of a certain age.

The DMLE had a night of drinking at the Crimson Fang. Most of the new hires and even the Fang manager seemed to be lining up to flirt with Lysander Corvus-Diaval.

Heartbreak hotel club

I had not quite realized what a heart breaker Miss Vitrac is. But perhaps now that she has been caught by the Delectable Daly she won’t be breaking any more. 

Alice Hawkins, Bonnie Nishi, Gwen Ferox, and Lysander Corvus-Diaval all in the Crimson Fang. Vampire coven meetup or support group for those whom Chaser Persephone Vitrac has chased?

Want to whisper something juicy to Euphegenia? 

* Legally Witch Weekly must clarify that all information published comes from external sources and Witch Weekly does not knowingly publish libelous gossip.

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Writes gossip correspondent Philomena Pest

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War! Huh! What is it good for? Absolutely everything, darlings. If you’re Lars Stangeland, the Durmstrang Triwizard champion, anyway. In a bid to scope out the threats, and solidify a second-task win, Stangeland recently participated in an off-the-record duel with Cardan Duarte, the Beauxbatons Academy of Magic Triwizard champion. Throughout this meddlesome, duplicitous and unfair battle, Stangeland’s oddly advanced shields are said to have thwarted Duarte’s heaving spell attempts, leaving the witch subdued, exhausted and probably nervous for the second task. Stangeland’s aggressive approach was markedly ‘gung-ho’, with his competitors allegedly sensing his desire to ‘go to war’, and win the competition at all costs. Scathing!

But what is a bit of frivolous sparring among now-internationally-recognised stars? To Duarte, youthful, feminine, and painstakingly beautiful, it’s nothing more than a mere side-hustle, darling. The real game is in the mind’s of her components, who she continues to bewitch into a nefarious love-triangle, using any means necessary. Love potions, beguilement, or some other means taught exclusively at Beauxbatons… for you see, in a game of chess, the Queen rarely loses. But who, darling readers, bides their time as the King or Pawn? Why fret over the logistics of who’s stronger or more skilled, when you can worm your way into the hearts of two unsuspecting boys – Stangefield and his school-mate Magnus Laufreyn – then plot your moves, little by little, till their backs are turned and you can sing that all too powerful phrase,  ‘checkmate’. Oh, you clever little girl you! You have my stamp of approval. 

And where oh where does the barely-fourteen-year-old Hogwarts champion, Elliott Reid, stand in all of this? To the chaotic, warmongering and opinionated Stangeland, Reid’s only notable advantage is running away. But having defeated the almighty Nundu, a creature renowned for its almost impossible resilience to individual bouts of magic, I’d wager that places Reid as the Rook, in this most tantalizing of games. And why undervalue your Rook, when you can join forces and enact a Castling. Get clever, or get caught, darlings! And may you all live to see another task… or not. *Smoky laugh!*