We all know the stress which comes from starting a new adventure, and what bigger adventure is there than your time at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry? Well, to make things a little easier, we at the Owl Post have compiled a tried and true list of 50 things NOT to do at Hogwarts, if you want to survive your first year.
But first, a moment of silence for those who went out and did the field work for this list and never returned…..
1.Don’t try to take out a life insurance policy on Professor O’Keeffe. (I know, tempting given she’s our third headmistress in what? Four years?)
2.Should you discover a werewolf, do not try and put a flea collar on them. Not if you value your hands anyhow.
3.Do not use your socks to make hand-puppets of the Slytherin-House mascot.
4.Do not attempt to take the Giant Squid as a date to the Winter Ball
5.Do not lock Slytherins and Gryffindors in a room together and bet on which House will come out alive. (It’s the Slytherins, I’m sure!)
6.Do not declare an official “Hug A Slytherin Day” (It’s supposed to be week. Any less and they get grumpy.)
7.It is not necessary to yell, “BURN!” whenever points are taken from any house. (But man is it fun)
8.Don’t start referring to showering as “Giving Moaning-Myrtle an eye-full.”
9.DO NOT ask your schoolmates about the silvery scars. Not unless you want lots of crying and traumatic stories.
10.Do not start a betting pool on the next student to lose a limb. (But my money’s on Julia. Vitrac curse anyone?)
11.Definitely do not refer to the O’Connell twins as bookends.
12.Don’t write all your essays in red ink and claim it as blood. (Or do, Merlin it’ll be funny at least!)
13.You probably shouldn’t ask “How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?” and walk away. At least not multiple times. (It’s only funny the first time.)
14.You should not ask Persephone Vitrac if it’s that time of the month.
15.Do not ask Green when you will learn how to make Love Potion Number 9. (She’s just had a divorce not too long ago, this is a recipe for disaster. On second thought…. DO IT.)
16.Do NOT try to hook Green up with the Defence Against the Dark Arts Professor. No matter how well you think their subjects go together.
17.Do not ask veela for a rag drenched in their sweat so you can sell it as ‘veela pheromones.’ (But if you do, I request a portion of the proceeds for the idea.)
18.Do not lick housemates’ toads. Or kiss them.
19.Gryffindor Courage does not come in bottles labeled, “Firewhiskey.” That is illegal. Instead, it comes in bottles labeled Felix Felicis. (Disclaimer: In excessive doses Felix Felicis is a highly dangerous potion. The Owl Post is not responsible for any poisonings. The good news is, you can’t brew it anyhow.)
20.“To conquer the Earth with an army of flying monkeys” is not a career choice. (Banks will kill you.)
21.Do not refer to the hippogryff as a ‘Horseybird’. Actually… I think Riley would be okay with it.
22.Do not call yourself the Defense Against the Boring Classes Professor
a.Or the Care of Witches Underwear Professor
b.Or any other sort of professor.
23.Do not, under any circumstances, ask Essa Nazari to sing. Ever.
24.Do not encourage your gullible housemates to try and play tag with the Whomping Willow. (Drachblume will hogtie you if it gets broken again but I’ll pay you 5 galleons to watch.)
25.Do not start every Potions class by asking Winslow if the potion is acceptable as Body Lotion.
26.Do not offer to give Winslow a massage.
27.Do not greet O’Keeffe with ‘I have it on good authority that you have no evidence.’ Or Green for that matter.
28.Do not play poker with the Div professor’s tarot deck.
29.Do not draw mustaches, glasses, scars, devil horns, or other paraphernalia on the Hogwarts paintings whilst their subjects are sleeping. (Please, please do. Please.)
30.Do not add ‘according to the prophecy’ at the end of all your sentences to raise your divination grade. (Trust me, it doesn’t work.)
31.Should you ever find the punch at a party spiked… Do not convince your best friend to flirt with O’Keeffe.
32.Actually, just always avoid the punch at balls, parties, and dances.
33.Do not organise a witch burning, even if you’ve been assigned to do a presentation on the witch burnings in History of Magic. (You’ll get your victim all tied to the post before someone rains on your fiery parade. Trust me.)
34.Do not forget that the new password to Gryffindor Tower is ‘Petrificus Totalus’ and must be recited with your wand pointed at yourself.
35.Do not tell everyone that Amira Zidane started the ‘Hug a Werewolf’ Campaign. (But she totally did.)
36.Do not scream that you are melting every time you get wet.
37.Do not not send the divinations professor a howler that says ‘Your life will be cursed for seven years if you don’t send this to 10 fellow professors within 15 minutes.’ (But if you do, make sure there’s an audience.)
38.It is a bad idea to tell O’Keeffe she takes herself too seriously.
39..Do not insist the house elves serve Slytherin only fried snakes.
40.House Elves are not acceptable replacements for bludgers.
41.Do not sweep the Ravenclaw Common Room with Thomasin Sexton’s prized Quidditch broom. (Do replace her prized Quidditch broom with a regular one from the caretaker’s cupboard and watch the hilarity which ensues.)
42.Don’t stress house points to much! Slytherin lost about 1000 points two years ago and still didn’t end up dead last in the running for the house cup.
43.Do not pretend to know the killing curse and pretend to do it in front of people who annoy you. (No matter how hilarious it is when they injure themselves diving for cover.)
44.Do NOT ask if Prof Eastwood and Prof Dracheblume are married or engaged yet. The entire school will know when it happens at last.
45.Do NOT bring a Magic 8 Ball to Divinations (unless you happen to have enough to share).
46.Do not ask snobby pain in the arse purebloods things like, “If your parents got divorced, would they still be brother and sister?”
47.“42” is not the answer to every question on the O.W.L.s
48..Do not tell Professor Priaulx that Astronomy needs to be rewritten as Pluto is no longer a planet.
49.Do not inform the professors that they cannot assign homework, as we do not actually go home during the school year to do it.
50.Do not attempt underwater Quidditch. It does not separate the master from the layman. It will not improve your chances of joining the Quidditch team. But if you do attempt it… Come find me first.