When someone asks “Excuse me, do you have a moment?” be entirely honest with them. You do not have a moment. No one can truly posess a moment. Ask them “Do you have a moment?” and if they say they do, never trust them again. Anyone who purports to master time in such a way is a liar and a thief.
You know that song? The one that goes “Doo doo do do do, doooo, doo doo, do do do do do, da, da doo dum da, dooby doo woo, dooby dooby, do do do, doo dum da da da dooooo”? Yeah, remember that one. It’s going to be vital.
Memorise this list: Tornado, Defenestration, Upset, Cupcake, Blueish, Horns, Query, Voice, Acromantula, Lalapalooza, Error, Northwesternly, Ten, Nine, Yearling, Upset, Crumpet, Organisation, Glib, Glass, Venture, Cats, Erstwhile, Genghis, Uuuuurrrrggggghhhhhh
You will either be met with an unfortunate demise or an unfortunate demiguise. The stars were unclear on which.
Have you checked on Mercury lately? You know how that Mercury is! Take your eyes off of it for one minute and it goes straight into retrograde. Oh Mercury, not again!
History is bound to repeat itself. Did you hear history last time it spoke? If you can’t listen to what history said, it’s going to need to repeat itself just to get the point across. History gets very tired of repeating what you don’t hear and may stop repeating for your edification soon if you don’t shape up. Maybe when history doesn’t repeat and you’re crying because you didn’t hear, you’ll appreciate all the things that history has done for you.
Two by two, hands of blue. Two by two, hands of blue. I’m not sure what that means, but it certainly sounds ominous.
This will be an entirely ordinary week. Completely, totally ordinary, without anything of interest happening during it. Utterly plain. You have no reason to have any interest in this week, because it holds nothing you’ll want to know.
This week will be good. For a more in-depth horoscope, please subscribe to our premium edition, Horoscopes Plus! For just three sickles a week, you’ll get advice direct from the stars to make every day more meaningful. Don’t hesitate, availability is limited. Send your three sickles to the Horoscope Mistress, care of Hogwart’s Owl Post.
Finders, keepers; losers, weepers. Finders, sleepers; losers, peepers. Finders, beepers; losers, don’t get a rhyme.
Your horoscope is on the tip of your tongue. You know it! I know you know it, and I believe in you! Just stick your tongue out a little further and maybe you’ll see it written there. Looking in a mirror won’t do much good – who can read things backwards! Just try to get your tongue out there and you’ll see what the stars have to say.
The cosmos are infinite and far-stretching, as distant and unreachable as the moon, and yet, somehow, they always know what you need to know every week. This week, they think you need to take a few good naps. Isn’t that sweet of those cold, unfeeling galactic spirals?