It looks like this week the Black Queen’s Rook has something special in store for you all. A detailed reading of the stars’ forecast for the year ahead of you! Isn’t that nice of them?
CAPRICORN (DEC 22 – JAN 19)
This year, you can can look forward to making the the kinds of friends who have depth to them, Capricorn. Endless depths full of unknown creatures that have never known the light. Dark depths which draw you into them as if returning to the soil. The company you will keep this year will have extraordinary depth, and you’ll enjoy every drop of it! At least one of these new social acquaintances might prove to be instrumental in helping you achieve a close personal goal. A goal you’ve dreamed of accomplishing since you were capable of cognisant thought. This year will be the year that you fight the moon! You might also attract more of a following this year because there are actually many people who want to fight the moon. If you win, you’ll gain significant respect from others. At the same time, however, people might begin to have stronger expectations from you. Next you might have to fight Jupiter, or even the sun! Make sure to stock up on those Fire-Protection potions.
AQUARIUS (JAN 20 – FEB 18)
The stars say that Uranus will be working with Mars to change the way you think and even the language or jargon you use this year. You’ll find that you’re much more interested in proving that life from other planets exists and that you’ve added many more long jackets to your wardrobe. You may even try to convince people to call you by a new name, perhaps something like a woodland animal. This year Jupiter will also be meddling in your affairs, telling you that you should consider ‘Skeptic’ as your future career. You’re not sure what a Skeptic actually does, of course, but it sounds about as good as anything else, right? As for the more imminent future, you will get a song stuck in your head for this entire next week. It goes dah dah dah dede dee, something something soul to steal. You know the song. It’s the one with the very catchy chorus and the fantastic violin solo.
PISCES (FEB 19 – MAR 20)
This year will be filled with new experiences for you, Pisces! Just make sure to keep note of every moment, including the embarrassing ones. Especially the embarrassing ones. As long as you keep your mood swings under control, you can make sure that you won’t be the one getting embarrassed. You’ll likely begin this year looking to answer some deep questions that have been bothering you for a while. Look to Saturn for help with this, as it will put new thoughts and ideas into your mind that you never even considered before. Take this into consideration when you happen upon an unlocked trunk of one of your dorm mates. You will need to clean up before its owner finds out. Of course, you’re not a cannibal, you’re just curious. This week will bring more soup. Clean towels are the key. Later in the year, while Mars travels retrograde, if you feel as if no matter how hard you push, your efforts are not getting any results, be sure to exercise patience. There is a reason for this frustration, and you’re meant to re-evaluate your strategy. It’ll be worth it in the end.
ARIES (MAR 21 – APR 19)
You receive a letter from yourself in the future sometime this year. It will likely read something like: “Really? You’re wearing that? What was I thinking? You really ought to rethink what you wear out of uniform, you’ll thank me. And by me, I mean you’ll thank yourself, then write this letter to send it back and reprimand your past self for your fashion choices. Really, just ugh.” Saturn will be all up in your business this year as well, telling you that all those careers you have planned for when you graduate are dumb. You should be something sensible, like a ventriloquist, a taxidermist, or a gangster florist. However the stars would also like to point out that Saturn is really out of touch with current events, and probably has never worked a stable job in its life. Later this year, you’ll finally get sick of the constant accusations and finally get a cat to blame for your farts.
TAURUS (APR 20 – MAY 20)
You have an exciting year ahead of you, Taurus!
GEMINI (MAY 21 – JUN 20)
You will wish you had stayed in bed this week. Actually, Gemini, you will wish you had stayed in bed this whole year. Not because anything bad will happen, just because you like to sleep. Who doesn’t like to sleep? In other news, the spider that bit you in your sleep was radioactive and has granted you super powers! However, these will be literally indistinguishable from your normal magical abilities, so really it was a huge waste of a spider bite. You ought to go to the Matron for that too, it’s starting to look a little gross. In addition to the new powers, a visit from Uranus will gift you a terrible singing voice. It’s as bad as you think. At some point, you will think everyone will forget about it, but trust the stars, they won’t. Another unwanted gift that Uranus will bring you is a strong interest in studying a metaphysical subject such as Astrology, Numerology or another field. Well… don’t. That’s our thing. Get your own thing.
CANCER (JUN 21 – JUL 22)
A stranger may mean you harm this week so greet everyone with a blood-curdling shriek. Luckily, this doesn’t hold true for most of the year, just in patches throughout, so it may be best to just keep up the shrieking. You never know. Pay attention to a defining Solar Eclipse in your sign on July 12th for a major development. This eclipse will be closely opposite Pluto, the planet of power and control, and you might be ready to do battle with your shadow double. The stars recommend a lot of training montages until then, preferably with catchy muggle music from the 1980s. From what we understand, that particular era of music is the one that makes you strong enough to beat whatever rival you may have. This will be the year you decide if you can work through the tension you’re feeling, or if you should change your name and flee the country. If you do decide to stay, you will find something you lost. However you will lose it again very soon after.
LEO (JUL 23 – AUG 22)
This year, against all odds, you will accomplish a basic task. Fortunately, it’ll also be a year where you feel happier than you have in quite some time! You can thank Jupiter, the planet of luck and blessings, for this good fortune, but not too much, because you know how Jupiter can get. The world is your oyster. Gross. Oysters are really gross, honestly. Sure, there might be a pearl, and it might be really beautiful and valuable, but you had to dig it out of that stinky snot thing. But hey, Leo, it’s not my life, it’s yours! You must really love smelly mollusks, because the stars say you’ll be really happy about this year. On to your much, much, much closer future. A fart plays a pivotal role in with your crush this week, and you will find yourself nervous and gassy. Just blame it on Aries, don’t worry, it’ll go over just fine. So get out there, Leo, with your smelly oysters and flatulence and socks. I think I might have forgotten to mention the socks. They’re fairly bad.
VIRGO (AUG 23 – SEP 22)
Be prepared for tricks of magic, which, however, will not be performed by well-meaning wizards, but rather by tricksters. These fraudsters would like to get you to overlook the fact that a piglet dressed in pink is not a doll, but still just a small pig, no matter how cute it may be. Nobody will easily fool Virgo this way! You know what a pig looks like! Like any pig, it has puffy fur, like a bear cub. Soft, and tan, and a thick round belly, and no real discernible arms or legs, just…little nubs that flit about as it slowly moves across the floor. Oh so cute the way its bulbous square of a body moves! Actually, we’re not entirely sure we know what a pig looks like. Oh! But you do, Virgo, so, you’ll have to tell us about it. Or maybe just draw a picture? In other news, sometime this year, a man with a beak will try to bill you. Or perhaps it was a duck. Or perhaps it was a pig. Do pigs have bills?
LIBRA (SEP 23 – OCT 22)
This year, Libra, you will be most like a cat. Or was it a pig? No, definitely cat. Not a dog, not a parrot, a cat. This means you will be proud and independent this year with a desire to do things your own way. Sure, that might get dangerous from time to time, but cats have nine lives, right? Besides that, you’ll be skipping all your showers this year, but bathing far more often, using that rough tongue that Libras have. Make sure to switch to a food that includes a natural fiber blend that helps minimise hairballs while Omega-6 helps give you a radiant coat and healthy skin. The crunchy kibble will help reduce plaque build-up and whiten teeth too. Your decision-making capabilities should earn you appreciation during this year, or maybe it will just be that shiny coat. However, difficulties will arise in the form of temptation as you realise that there are a lot of things in the castle that you could sharpen your claws on. Try to resist, because we’re sure that you can still lose house points as a cat.
SCORPIO (OCT 23 – NOV 21)
You’ll kick off this year feeling as if you’ve got the whole world in your hands, and rightly so! Jupiter, the planet of expansion and abundance, entered your sign back on October 10th, and as the New Year begins you’re still basking in this cosmic glory. As Jupiter showers you with cosmic radiation, you’ll soon find that you’ve grown. Literally. Soon you’ll be unable to fit inside the castle, but nevermind your studies when you can literally be a giant. You won’t be able to find anything to wear, however, so all those nightmares you had about forgetting to wear clothes will come true. Your only hope will to be team up with an ambitious Capricorn to go fight Jupiter together and to stop your rapid growth. Otherwise, by next year, you might be the next moon, and that would just throw off all the tides. A Lunar Eclipse on January 31st might bring you a reward or honour while a Solar Eclipse on August 11th might bring stellar advancement, and you can skip from moon right to sun.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV 22 – DEC 21)
Sorry, our last horoscope wasn’t meant for you, Sagittarius. The note we had left for ourselves had gotten soggy. Luckily, there will be no soggy Sagittarius this year, as you are a unique alloy of copper and zinc. Our lives are long and many people think that everything must be accomplished and managed in time and, let’s say it clearly, at almost any cost. But Sagittarius, you have already seen the light and know that everything has its right time. Which is around 10:35am, just after breakfast. To that end, you might choose this year as one to develop any of your hidden talents, including psychic gifts. You’ll find that just after breakfast, it’s much easier to find a quiet place to bend spoons without any of the house elves finding you and telling you to stop stealing the silverware. House elves are rarely understanding of the general needs of students that may or may not be made of brass or similar alloys. At the same time you may already suspect that a certain mischief is awakening inside you. It means that you would like to start a worldwide revolution, perhaps a new punk-rock band. Start thinking up some good names.