Owl Post Horoscope Expert is nearly as cursed a position as Defense Against The Dark Arts Professor. Another week, another individual reading the stars to guide us-have a look and see what they’ve got to say.
Don’t throw out those old notes. You’ll soon meet a foe which can only be vanquished through study aids from years past. Toss your books in its face and laugh!
There’s a secret message from the stars written in your class schedule. It’s been there since the beginning of the year. Have you found it yet? If you do, send it to the Owl Post for a reward.
You’re doing a great job believing in yourself. But really, should you?
Choose carefully which side of your mouth you speak out of this week. One wrong twist of the lips and you could wind up in a world of trouble – doubly so in Charms class.
Everyone is looking at you, Leo, so you need to take a stand. No, really. Get up. Rise. Everyone is looking at you. Don’t feel afraid. Wave at them with your best beauty queen wave, then curtsey. It doesn’t matter if you’re wearing a skirt or not. Everyone is looking at you. Can you feel their eyes pressing into your skin? Can you feel their lashes crawling up your body? Take a bow, Leo. We’re all looking at you. Everyone is looking at you.
The blue-eyed girl is not to be trusted under any circumstances.
This is the best week you’ll have all year for getting things done, so don’t slack off. It’s time to study, do all your homework, complete every bit of extra credit, re-organise your sock drawer, press your robes, and shine your shoes. If you don’t get it done now, you certainly won’t get the chance next week.
Skepticism will get you far this week. Take, for example, these horoscopes. Should you really believe me when I tell you that you’re going to begin a grand adventure? You’re a school student. What kind of grand adventure are you going to take? Gallivanting off into a disused broom closet with your best friend who just so happens to be a Capricorn? Be realistic. You’re not going to do anything of the sort. Maybe it’s best to try not to get too depressed while the futility of life sinks in. Have fun.
Make sure you buy lots of vases when you’re next in Hogsmeade. Even if you don’t get any roses delivered, you’ll make a killing selling them to everyone who did, and then you can use the money to drown your sorrows in chocolate. Chocolate is far better than roses anyways.
You know that door marked Do Not Enter? The one you’ve always wanted to find out what was in there but you’ve just never had the chance to go through? This is your week. Get a friend or two, sneak out under cover of darkness, and launch yourself into the abyss. Maybe you’ll find the answers to every question you were afraid to ask. Or maybe you’ll end up with a mop bucket on your head. The adventure is yours to take.
No, I’m not telling you that. Ask Tarot Tuesday instead.
The following is a list of foods which you must not eat this week: parsnips, potatoes, peas, pearl onions, pizza, porridge, partridge, passionfruit, pasta, parmesan cheese, paprika, papayas, pasta, pears, peaches, pineapple, plums, pepper, pumpkin, pine nuts, prawns, and parsley.