A friend you’ve known for years might suddenly shock you by saying some unkind things that you would never have expected of them, Capricorn. Sometimes it’s hard to forgive these things, but make the effort. Try a new deodorant. It’s OK, it happens to everyone, just not as often. With both feisty Mars and jovial Jupiter in your friendship zone, key alignments to planets in your sign could see you making fabulous progress with their help. Or just shower.
Have you just recently reached an important goal, Aquarius? If so, you might be confused as to what you’re going to pursue in the future. You may be considering a number of options but not be sure which one is right for you. Perhaps it’s none of them. Maybe your perfect goal is still over the horizon. Perhaps you should pursue the exciting hobby of dung collecting. There are loads of dung around the castle, and if you’re really lucky, you might get into mooncalf dung. Just watch out, the stars warn that it’s quite volatile.
With dynamic Mars aligning with expansive Jupiter, you could be fired up with ideas about going on an adventure and fighting the forces of evil. However, with the help of your friends, you could find that you have the courage to always save the day. You may be the leader of the team, but inevitably your moody friend with the great hair will be the really popular one. Just watch out for the evil yet charismatic warlock who will send a new monster to fight you every week.
Buy a box of fake eyeballs. You’ll thanks us later.
Speak your truth! This week, as weighty Saturn eats lunch alongside messenger Mercury, you can’t help but call out the neon pink elephant in the room. But don’t underestimate the impact of your critiques. Once the words are out, there will be nothing you can do to take them back. Make sure you have somewhere to send the elephant once everyone notices it, because honestly, how are you going to feed an elephant? Also, school policy bids me to remind you that neon pink elephants are not an approved familiar, however neon green is acceptable, so long as it’s invisible.
Jealousy, mystery, and [the print seems to be smudged with something sticky] This week is full of [more smudge] subterranean [it looks like it might be ink] information that’s been hidden from your view. [but it smells very metallic] take nothing at surface value. The question is, can you deal with their shadow side? Before you go picking the lock [somehow every paper is smudged in this way] want to see what lies beneath. [surely it couldn’t be blood] it probably will by the weekend.
An object that you treasure, perhaps a family heirloom, will be missing, Cancer. Don’t panic. It’s probably somewhere in your dorm, although it may have slipped behind something or had a pile of other stuff put on top of it. At any rate, it’s somewhere in the castle at least. It is clearly much more elusive than it should be. Keep looking when you have time and the item will turn up in a very strange place. A very, very strange place.
This week you might play detective, Leo. Something or someone, perhaps a family heirloom, has gone missing in your House and you’ll be out there leading the charge. The object of your search could prove elusive, but will probably turn up none the worse for wear. The only caution: when searching, don’t look too far away. Whatever you seek is probably very close to you you. Did you take it? You should give it back, but leave it somewhere very, very strange.
This week will be full of hits, misses, and horrible horrible backfired spells. We can’t tell you exactly what will go wrong, but we recommend staying away from anyone you really like. In fact, maybe just hang out with that one person that keeps annoying you. You know the one. We’re pretty sure that you won’t mind what happens to them this week. Don’t forget to practice your scouring charms, and maybe bring some tissues, just in case.
Rational thought gets muddled today as everything seems to be happening to you at once, Libra. Everyone wants your advice, lots of people need favors, and you seem to have grown a lot of fur. Stay calm and don’t react by getting short with people. Actually it seems that you have gotten much shorter too. If anyone suddenly decides they want to pet you, bite them, but make sure to pretend you’re okay with the pets first. Deception is key.
A strange letter could come from a person who doesn’t leave a name and whose writing you don’t recognise, Scorpio. It might, however, sound important and therefore could bother you throughout the afternoon. How can you return a letter when you don’t know who the person is? Don’t make yourself crazy. This isn’t worth agonising over. If it’s important, the person will write to you again. The way none of your clothes seem to fit anymore is far more important.
Although you never really felt like you made a difference yesterday, your kind words and understanding made the world spin 0.0001% faster for approximately 3 nano-seconds. That means that you managed to shorten the night by the same amount. Keep at it, maybe if you’re kind and compassionate enough you can get this thing going fast enough to spin everyone off into space. Now that’s killing with kindness.