Another week another dose of perfectly legit and not at all nonsensical advice from the stars, courtesy of the Black Queen’s Rook.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV 22 – DEC 21)
It’s makeover week, Sagittarius! Venus says so, and she’s always up-to-date on the latest fashion, so she should know! Venus is charming and graceful, and while you, Sagittarius, sometimes bumble through life saying awkward things, spending too much money, and picking food off of other people’s plates, and generally mucking things up. You really are a mess. Actually, I think you have a bit of this morning’s breakfast on your cheek. No, the other side. No, no—Just forget it.
CAPRICORN (DEC 22 – JAN 19)
There will be a Mercury retrograde in Sagittarius this week, which begins on December 3rd, so don’t expect much of anything to make sense. Silent details favor solid hermits and pragmatic shrimp this week, so do your best to convey exact belly properties using only hisses and shakes. Eerie needles will be gifted to bitter tin wives. So get out there and ambush those mechanical moth children!
AQUARIUS (JAN 20 – FEB 18)
A full moon in fellow Air sign Gemini arrives on December 3rd, illuminating the romance and creativity sector of your chart—and bringing plenty of drama, as full moons do. Again, confrontations will arise, and you can bet plenty of talk will go down, as Gemini is a sign that doesn’t really ever shut up—and, on that note, neither does Sagittarius, or Leo, or any of those guys, really. Forget all those losers, Aquarius, after all, you stocked up on pre-dug graves a couple of weeks ago, so you’re all set for this week.
PISCES (FEB 19 – MAR 20)
This week is your lucky week, Pisces! Look at you. So young, so innocent. You make a mistake, what’s the worst that could happen? You die? No problem! Ah…enjoy this week, Pisces.
ARIES (MAR 21 – APR 19)
Slow down, Aries! Slow waaaaay down. Nope, still too fast. Do you even know how to slow down? You can’t just keep doing everything as fast as you can manage, Aries, or else you might choke on your soup. In fact, that’s what the stars say this week: ‘You will choke on your soup’. I’m just looking out for you, Aries, and totally not trying to beat you at some sort of footrace this week. There’s not even a race this week. You should just sleep in this week too.
TAURUS (APR 20 – MAY 20)
A lot of things are happening this week, Taurus. A lot of things, for sure. Some of them will be exciting, some of them boring, but they sure will be happening! There might even be a few occurrences, circumstances, situations, junctures, and transpirations this week. Just beware of any incidents, affairs, or things that come up as well. Of course you can handle any episode or undertaking that comes your way this week.
GEMINI (MAY 21 – JUN 20)
Choose the one on the left.
CANCER (JUN 21 – JUL 22)
Sagittarius season is here, Cancer, which means it’s time for you to get organised, tackle your chores, and renew your Sagittarius hunting license. Hunting sagittari is both fun and great exercise. It provides an opportunity to get outdoors, socialise with fellow Cancers, and there is nothing like the thrill of the chase. Remember that sagittari are easy to recognise by their bright copper and gold plumage, and are roughly the size of a small chicken. Be sure to have good all-weather boots, and dress in layers. It’s likely to be wet and cold, and you’ll be doing a lot of walking on uneven terrain.
LEO (JUL 23 – AUG 22)
Take this week to reconsider every decision you’ve ever made and everything you’ve ever done. Did you choose the correct path? Are you happy with what you’ve done? Did you make sure to cover your tracks? Surely no one will be able to uncover what you have done. You made sure to hide the evidence oh so cleverly. But what if they find out, Leo? Perhaps it would be best if you changed your name and appearance and fled to a foreign country. I hear Brazil is quite nice this time of year.
VIRGO (AUG 23 – SEP 22)
Your ruling planet, Mercury, retrogrades this month! We told them to knock it off, but Mercury just put its fingers in its ears and sang ‘Roar’ by Katy Perry as loud as it could. Now the song is stuck in my head, and I just can’t stop humming it. Mercury retrograde has a bad reputation for miscommunication, delays, and technical difficulties, possibly because it refuses to listen to anyone else instead of shouting old pop songs at the top of its lungs. Avoid doing much of anything until Mercury stops being such a pain in the butt and owns up to its mistakes.
LIBRA (SEP 23 – OCT 22)
Mars opposes Uranus this week, which will bring some shocking changes and endings within your relationships. Trust that whatever—or whoever—leaves your life, it’s what’s meant to be. You are one of the most charming and easy-to-get-along-with people, Libra, but even you can be a massive pain—which is a good thing, because otherwise people would take advantage of your kindness. At least that’s what I would tell myself if I were you, Libra. Whatever helps you sleep at night.
SCORPIO (OCT 23 – NOV 21)
Your ruling planet Mars enters your sign this week, and that’s not all! If you act now you’ll also get the five-piece potato-dicing kit, the ten-piece cookware set, and a ton of stress, all a £74.22 value for only £55.99! Act now, because supplies are limited! And if you call right this second, we will throw in lucky planet Jupiter making a harmonious connection with Neptune, bringing romance and a boost in creativity, for absolutely free! This offer is limited to this week only, so send cash only to your nearest white dwarf or neutron star.