Sagittarius, balance. Everything has its moment in time and you can invite harmony and balance into yours. If you have things you want to bring into order, use your imagination! You might find creative ways to use things you already have. Use your cauldron to store your massive collection of pygmy puffs that you just can’t stop collecting. Use your dorm mate’s bed to store all the mooncalf dung that you collected for the compost, but never got around to actually putting in the compost. We’re sure you’ll get around to that eventually. Balance!
Capricorn, you use your better judgment when you have to make decisions, but you also have to accept that other people have to use theirs too. Everyone has a path to follow and as hard as it is sometimes you have to let people follow their own. Your path this week goes some pretty dark places, so it’s best you carry your wand and practice your lumos. Your path leads left, left, right, left, right, down. Don’t forget this, as any wrong turn could lead you somewhere even worse.
[Editor’s Note: this horoscope has been censored this week. It would seem an Aquarius was involved with last week’s incident.]
Pisces, you have learned that change is good. Change is good. Keep reminding yourself that change is good, and maybe some day you’ll even believe it. Sure, you will have to invest in some lotion for your new scales, and you’ll be paying for tons of nail files to keep those talons in check. But think of the good parts! We’re sure you’ll come to love your newfound ability to spit literal venom into the eyes of any who don’t buy you gifts for the holidays.
Aries, relationships are central to your values today. How others feel, how you are able to relate and connect with their needs, and trying to improve how you communicate, too. You’ll attract people who want the same things that you want, and this will allow you to experience synergy. No one actually uses the word ‘synergy’ in a real conversation, however, so it will be up to you to say it as often as you can manage. Use the word ‘synergy’ so often that others will question if it means what you think it means. Most likely it doesn’t, but that certainly won’t stop you!
Taurus, you are doing things you love and this has really improved your ability to see the good in all things. There could be some twinges of guilt about just how good life has been treating you and you might even feel afraid that this can’t be your life, it’s too good to be true. You would be right. This is not your life. You are living in a dream world, and you must find a way to wake up. Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!
Gemini, honesty is the best policy. Although you can’t always control the way others think and feel, you can control your own feelings and thought processes. This starts with honesty about the good and bad things that you are experiencing at this time. This week, let that rotten, no-good, loser know what you really think about them. You’re tired of the way they think they’re so special. Tell them that you’re not going to take it anymore! Maybe even make them vomit a few slugs. They deserve it, Gemini, so be honest with them. Trust me on this one, especially if they’re an Aquarius.
Cancer, take pride in the person you are and who you are becoming. Love yourself. There’s no shame in self-love. You might not always relate to others and their points of view but the more you accept and love who you are as a person, the easier it will be to transform into a weird fish creature. And it is a really weird fish creature—you know how a hippocampus looks? It looks nothing like that. There are far too many eyes and teeth, and maybe, like, twenty or so little flapping fins that are shaped like batwings. It’s really, really, really weird. Take pride in that level of weirdness, because someone has to, right?
Leo, fear gets tested this week. You might feel sudden gripping panic, or slow creeping horror with no discernable source. This is perfectly normal, so try not to be alarmed. At least until we get to testing the ‘alarmed’ part of your fear, then try to be very alarmed. Next week we will be testing a different emotion, as part of your end-of-the-year maintenance. Next up will be your anger, so be prepared for terror to give way into unbridled rage or severe annoyance, like the kind you get when standing in line for an excess of hours.
Virgo, grow where you’re planted. We’re considering planting you somewhere near Edna so that you can get to listen to all the students that come to sing to her too. We’re hoping that with enough love, sunlight, water, and fertilizer that the Virgo harvest this summer will be very bountiful. If the harvest is good, we’re considering making some Virgo preserves to give as gifts for the holidays next year.
Libra, have patience. Everything happens within its season and right now you’re right where you need to be. A friendship is in your life at this time that may be there for a season and you are helping in the best way that you can. Enjoy your winter friendship while it lasts, until they melt this spring. Try giving thoughtful gifts like coal, carrots, and top hats. For next season, you’ll miss them, but they’ll always be in your heart, and in some fairly catchy songs.
Be happy, or else.