We don’t have words for the Black Queen’s Rook’s predictions this week. Just… Have at it.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV 22 – DEC 21)
You might be clinging to the past in some way but feel determined to leap into your future in another. However, you must be careful about running into your future self. It is vitally important that you try not to set unrealistic expectations or make unnecessarily drastic changes. Focus instead on preventing a cataclysmic paradox that will destroy the universe as we know it.
CAPRICORN (DEC 22 – JAN 19)
Let’s have a moment of silence for the illusion that is in the process of disintegrating. It has been a pretty illusion, hasn’t it? Filled with hope and gusto, it has fueled you with motivation. But then again—on second thought, its prettiness was more the result of dark creature trying to eat you. The hope was somewhat misleading, the teeth were all too real, and the fear was an inefficient source of motivation. Still, let’s observe a moment of silence anyway. Even dysfunctional mirages caused by beasts trying to eat you deserve to be mourned.
AQUARIUS (JAN 20 – FEB 18)
You might appear selfish in the eyes of someone by pursuing something that matters to or suits you—I’m sorry, that is a typo. You might appear shellfish in the eyes of someone by pursuing something that matters to or suits you. You will be transformed into a crab or a lobster, due to your lack of empathy for others. Avoid the kitchens this next week, or you might end up as dinner.
PISCES (FEB 19 – MAR 20)
A Pisces can be one slippery fish to catch—but they’re a great catch nonetheless, thanks to their mystical, psychic powers. This week all fishes should beware of others trying to capture them or demanding wishes to be granted. As you well know, you can only grant one wish a year, and you’re not going to let it be some dumb wish for a million galleons or something. Or you could always just grant monkey paw wishes, that would teach them.
ARIES (MAR 21 – APR 19)
The light is coming closer and soon you will see exactly what the future holds with a special someone. The light is a little bit blinding though, so you might want to duck out of the way when it gets within touching distance, or possibly even turn around. But don’t turn around for too long or the light will be gone. We think it’s a light. I’ve discussed it with a few other astrologers and it’s either a light or a brick.
TAURUS (APR 20 – MAY 20)
Are you in the mood for something a little risky? Bring a shovel, a lot of rope, at least two jars, a small knife, and a fork to the clock tower at midnight. Come alone, and make sure you are not followed. Really plan out this meeting. If all goes right, the payoff will be big.
GEMINI (MAY 21 – JUN 20)
How scared are you of centipedes, Gemini? I mean, no reason. The stars are just asking. Like, are you super super scared, because I can’t say for sure, but you’re pretty brave, right? Like, you could handle a couple of centipedes! You could handle a bunch of centipedes! Right, Gemini? No reason. I’m just asking.
CANCER (JUN 21 – JUL 22)
It’s imperative that you spend this week learning everything there is to know about the migration habits of the North African Yellow Stone Frog. It has to do with you winning a lot of money, so just do it. I didn’t just make that up. Don’t trust me, trust the stars. If you have to kiss frogs to find a prince, imagine what you’ll need to do for someone really powerful.
LEO (JUL 23 – AUG 22)
You know what you did, and you should apologise.
VIRGO (AUG 23 – SEP 22)
Remember last week, when you said that next week was going to be better than that week but then this week came and it wasn’t actually better than the week you thought it would be better than? You know what I mean. That’s all Jupiter’s fault. I don’t know what to tell you. Jupiter is being rubbish this week.
LIBRA (SEP 23 – OCT 22)
You will encounter frustration this week when you come across a Capricorn trying to research an animal that doesn’t actually exist. Ask them why, and they will claim something unintelligible about solidarity. You must be cautious to ensure that you can make a quick getaway should unexpected events occur. Make the most of your time. Friends that study together succeed together!
SCORPIO (OCT 23 – NOV 21)
The simple things in life will return to haunt you this week as you begin to mourn your unhappiness and take it out on others. Alienating yourself from your friends and house mates will harm your chances of them wanting to help you in your quest for happiness. And totally stuff up your chances of getting anything good as a birthday present. Think of the presents – it may help you get through their constant grinding regarding all that potting soil you put in their bed.