SCORPIO (OCT 23 – NOV 21)
This week, spend time with a friend, plotting revenge on common enemies. The full moon this week will cause your relationship to change, for better or worse, so enjoy your time having a partner. Plans are likely to not go as planned, so make sure to bring a spare.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV 22 – DEC 21)
You’ve been needing some time off lately, Sagittarius, but this week is the wrong week to slack off. You’ve been ignoring that problem, and this week’s full moon will really make things worse. So much worse. So, so much worse.
CAPRICORN (DEC 22 – JAN 19)
Capricorn, stop hiding who you are. The stars think you should shed your skin and show this miserable world what you’re made of. Which is spiders. You are made entirely of spiders, and the stars demand that you unleash yourself upon the world.
AQUARIUS (JAN 20 – FEB 18)
A lot of information will be coming your way this week, including some especially shocking news. You should keep this news to yourself. Telling others will not go well at all. Try not to let the weight of your secrets crush you.
PISCES (FEB 19 – MAR 20)
You are being followed. No, don’t look behind you, they’ll see you look. Keep your wand on you at all times this week. You don’t know when they will strike, but you must be ready. Practice your shield charms and dodging skills.
ARIES (MAR 21 – APR 19)
Don’t let Virgo escape your clutches again this week. The shackles were just too loose last time, and honestly you shouldn’t trust your minions to handle the job on their own. And you really could use an evil lair. Have you considered the Charms classroom? Just don’t get caught swishing your cape around and cackling during classes.
TAURUS (APR 20 – MAY 20)
Your ruling planet, Venus, is busy this week, so she’s asking the Moon to take over for her. Venus has a date with Saturn, which is really causing a hectic week filled with scheduling issues. She apologises for the inconvenience, but have you seen Saturn?
GEMINI (MAY 21 – JUN 20)
It’s going to be a complicated emotional week, Gemini. You’ve shot yourself in the foot, and now you’re dealing with the consequences. How are you going to move forward? You have literally shot yourself in the foot. Sorry, this is next week’s horoscope, good luck.
CANCER (JUN 21 – JUL 22)
You will no longer fall in love with every sign you read, however, you might fall in love with every sign you ignore. I don’t mean other astrological signs, I mean literal printed words posted as notices. It would be best if you read every sign you see this week.
LEO (JUL 23 – AUG 22)
This week you will end up somewhere entirely unexpected and unexplained. You won’t even remember how you got there. You may want to prepare for this by carrying some supplies everywhere you go, including to bed.
VIRGO (AUG 23 – SEP 22)
I’m sure everything is just fine. Don’t look in the Charms classroom. Just close your eyes during class, and try not to pay attention to any evil cackling you might hear. It’s fine, honestly. You worry too much. Have you considered taking a longer shower than usual? It helps with relaxing sometimes.
LIBRA (SEP 23 – OCT 22)
You have been warned.