Last year the Owl Post published a list of Things To Not Do If You Want To Survive Your First Year. It went pretty swimmingly so we thought we’d repeat the gesture for our newest batch of little firsties!
- Do not attempt to ask the Giant Squid to the Yule Ball. It’s not an appropriate date, and it’s literally deadly.
- Do not sing “We’re Off to See the Wizard” while skipping off to the Headmaster’s office.
- Don’t try to take out a life insurance policy on Adam Fletcher.
- Should you discover a werewolf, do not try and put a flea collar on them. Not if you value your hands anyhow.
- Do NOT bring a Magic 8 Ball to Divinations (unless you happen to have enough to share).
- Do NOT ask Professor Lykin if he’s single. (He is not and he doesn’t take kindly to it. Nor does his lady.)
- Hallucinogenic Mushrooms are not extra Herbology work.
- Do not use your socks to make hand-puppets of the Slytherin-House mascot.
- Do not lock Slytherins and Gryffindors in a room together and bet on which House will come out alive.
- Do not declare an official “Hug A Slytherin Day” (It’s supposed to be week)
- It is not necessary to yell, “BURN!” whenever points are taken from any house. (But man is it fun)
- Do not encourage your gullible housemates to try and play tag with the Whomping Willow. (Drachblume will hogtie you if it gets broken again)
- Do not ask when you will learn how to make Love Potion Number 9.
- Do not start every Potions class by asking DuVal if the potion is acceptable as Body Lotion.
- Do not offer to give DuVal a massage.
- Do not call the Howlett twins, “ bookends .”
- There is no such thing as a were-thylacine.(why though?)
- Do not lick housemates’ toads. Or kiss them.
- Gryffindor Courage does not come in bottles labeled, “Firewhisky.”
- It is a bad idea to tell O’Keeffe she takes herself too seriously.
- “To conquer the Earth with an army of flying monkeys” is not a career choice. Banks will kill you.
- Do not insist the house elves serve Slytherin only fried snakes.
- House Elves are not acceptable replacements for bludgers.
- Do not sweep the Ravenclaw Common Room with Eric Hyland’s prized Quidditch broom. (Do replace his prized Quidditch broom with a regular one from the caretaker’s cupboard and watch the hilarity which ensues.)
- Don’t stress house points to much! Slytherin lost about 1000 points last year and still didn’t end up dead last in the running for the house cup.
Bonus: Do not, under any circumstances, ask Essa Nazari to sing. Ever.
Bonus Part Two: Do NOT ask if Prof Eastwood and Prof Dracheblume are married or engaged yet. The entire school will know when it happens at last.