This week the stars’ advice won’t be as horrific, but that doesn’t mean they’re any better.
ARIES (Mar 21 – Apr 19)
Things to bother believing in: love, wands, extraterrestrials.
TAURUS (Apr 20 – May 20)
Let the record show that they were ill-equipped to deal with you. Which is unsurprising since you are ill-equipped to deal with you.
GEMINI (May 21 – Jun 20)
Gemini, busy yourself with the affairs of the living for once.
CANCER (Jun 21 – Jul 22)
The Answer is No.
LEO (Jul 23 – Aug 22)
Ohhhh, boy. You. Forget you. Yes, specifically you.
VIRGO (Aug 23 – Sep 22)
Why fear the dead when you can fear the living? Corpses in motion, cruelty, and kindness.
LIBRA (Sep 23 – Oct 22)
Please practice blinking. The other students are beginning to become unsettled by your unnatural ability to carry on a conversation and maintain constant, unblinking eye contact.
SCORPIO (Oct 23 – Nov 21)
You’ve long seen your downfall spelt out in another’s bones.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 – Dec 21)
The victor spoils, the loser learns.
CAPRICORN (Dec 22 – Jan 19)
You are a curse, none are prepared for.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 – Feb 18)
What possessed you to come this far? No, seriously. Was it cute?
PISCES (Feb 19 – Mar 20)
Take a long shower. Wash your hair. Wash the clothes you are wearing. Wash the memories from your body and mind. Obliviate.