The Raven Quill seems to be otherwise occupied this week and we unfortunately asked Professor Priaulx to write the Horoscopes for us instead of Professor Ipswich. Bad idea really, but according to the Editor-in-Chief “it’s planets an’ stars, anyane couldae made tha same mistake”
Aries: Mar. 21 – Apr. 19
Quite honestly horoscopes are entirely ridiculous, the idea that planets and stars have any influence on our day-to-day lives is laughable.
Taurus: Apr. 20 – May 20
I mean, if you look at it this way; the chances of you getting hit by lightning due to Venus’s conjunction with Mars is exactly the same as if you stood in a field waving a clothes hanger in the air during a thunderstorm.
Gemini: May 21 – June 20
It just baffles me that the amount of people born within the same month should all have the same characteristics and sets of fate each month.
Cancer: June 21 – July 22
I mean, if a white rabbit with blue eyes hopped across the path whilst I was born one sunny December morning it doesn’t make me any more likely to be a pathological liar than if Neptune moved across the sky the moment I was born.
Leo: July 23 – Aug. 22
Unfortunately dear Leo, if you are possessive and arrogant it is not the month you were born in, it just means you have a very unlikeable personality
Virgo: Aug. 23 – Sept. 22
It worries me genuinely that there are students at this school who will base their week off this article every Friday. Maybe you just shouldn’t leave your dorm room at all and not just that one week?
Libra: Sept. 23 – Oct. 22
Here’s a suggestion, why don’t you pretend to be one star sign to your deluded friend and once they are fully convinced then reveal your actual date of birth?
Scorpio: Oct. 23 – Nov. 21
“Apparently” more factors need to be included to “accurately” gain a correct horoscope such as time and location of birth, though (to coin a muggle term) it could be more accurately looked upon as pinning the tail on a donkey.
Sagittarius: Nov. 22 – Dec. 21
Maybe at some point in people’s lives, however, they should take responsibility for their actions rather than blaming it on their star sign?
Capricorn: Dec. 22 – Jan. 19
Honestly, I find the existence of the Warlock’s Hairy Heart more credible than a life dictated by astronomical movement
Aquarius: Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
Dear Aquarius, apparently because you were born at 1am on the 20th of January, suddenly and fundamentally you’re now an Aquarius, and a totally different personality and person entirely than if you’d been born an hour earlier. Woe for you
Pisces: Feb. 19 – March 20
The same to you Pisces.