The Art of Schmoozery is an artform that many Slytherins have dabbled in previously. Some I, myself, happen to consider myself a true shady queen on the matter as I’m sure as my peers, are aware. I’m here to share with you a few of my trade secrets in order to help you for the better.
The art form that is the schmoozing is all about observance. The first step to properly clocking your professor with the right compliment, conversation, or gift is all about watching them. What do your professors like? Where are they seen ‘chilling’? And I’m not talking about the recent weather, oof. What’s on their desk in their offices? Perhaps a treat? Professor Zemeckis has often been seen snacking on sugared truffles, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Your professors are people too, believe it or not, and generally smart ones. I mean, they’re here teaching and dealing with you lot – they have probably been through it once or twice. Find out what they like and dislike, perhaps there’s something you have in common with them. Strike up a conversation to get on their good side. Schmoozing isn’t all about gifts and unwanted flattery, after all. I mean, who knew? Obviously not you, you’re reading this article. Keep going, you’re doing great.
Your classmates are all here for the same goal, to inevitably get the ______ (fill in the blank) out of here. Your fellow students are likely to have noticed a few things, especially with the core professors. Chat with them to see what they know, and see if you can get a few tips and tricks! But don’t reveal all of your secrets, you’ve still got to stand out! And with some of you, that may be quite a feat to accomplish. I’m here wishing you the best of luck.
The time to schmooze is now! You’ve gathered your information, gotten your gifts, and gathered your flattery ammo. Be sure that your gifts and compliments aren’t misplaced, and fit easily into the conversation. Don’t just go into a professor’s office, compliment their eyebrows and bolt. Make sure it flows! Now go! Be free, my children! And don’t come crawling to me if you muck it up.
You’ve now been equipped with the general tools to succeed at proper schmoozery. I can’t wait to see all of our grades rise! With my advice, you’re surely going to go on to do better things. I don’t see how you could get by without me! I’m kidding!
This is Darci Russ, your favorite shady queen, from only the schmooziest of Houses, Slytherin.